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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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turn-ons

Pipe Smoking: My Curiousity Grows…

I mentioned in previous posts that I found pipe smoking intriguing, but I’ve never found pipe smoking erotic… at least not until today. And I’m not sure if it is the pipe smoking per se or my boyfriend’s interest in it that was more of a turn-on. See, I really have no desire to see my boyfriend smoke cigarettes. My fetish is most about me or other women smoking and occasionally I see I guy that is smoking that I find attractive. Actually I know that I wouldn’t find it sexy if my boyfriend smoked cigarettes. It just doesn’t suit him.

But today, we were walking down the street and passed a tobacco shop. We peeked inside, not entering and he said something about maybe smoking a pipe. It caught me by surprise, but pleasantly. I said I was interested and had been for a while. He then said it would be something we could do together and I started to get turned-on, just thinking about doing it with him.

I’m not when this will happen, but I’m in no hurry really. I’m just happy he is open to smoking something… and why I have the desire to get him to smoke anything is beyond me. Probably partly to have him understand what I see in tobacco at all. I’m starting to see that there are many facets to my fetish that I previously didn’t see. I almost think I have a thing for the smoke… I guess only time will tell.

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Cigarette Fantasies

I knew that my desire had never really gone away- but the way it came back was completely unpredictable. I was on holidays with my roommate, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s cousin. The cousin- well he was hot so from here on I will refer to him as “the Hot Cousin”. If I had been single- I would have totally been into him. We chatted about lots of thing and somehow I brought up the train and how when I took my train trip across Canada we usually hung out in the smoking car/observation car because you couldn’t smell people’s B.O. that way. From there, we went on to complain about smoking bans, neither of us admitting to smoking at this point. At this point- I thought he was a triathlon-doing, non-smoker.

We went into to town from our little cabin and went out for dinner. At dinner- Hot Cousin commented on the fact that a lot of people around town were smoking. So Roommate asks, “Have you quit, I haven’t seen you go out for one yet?” to which Roommate’s Boyfriend answers, “He quit because of the Triathlon he is doing, although that never stopped him before.” Hot Cousin nods and Roommate asks, “Do you think you will start up again after the triathlon?” and he said , “Probably.” She then asked him why he would start again after taking the trouble to quit. To which Hot Cousin utters the words that had me drooling over him for the rest of the weekend, “Because I like to smoke.” She wrongfully assumed that this had to do with the nicotine and suggested he get one of those nicotine inhalers, to which I interject and say, “It’s not the same.” Hot Cousin nods, and affirms this by saying, “I like the feeling of inhaling, watching the smoke come out when I exhale.” I now checked my mouth to see if drool was actually coming out. That’s when the cigarette fantasies started again. Nothing like a beautiful boy professing his love of smoking to get the ball rolling again.

We watched Pineapple Express- the ultimate stoner movie. Actually- Seth Rogan does some pretty wicked snap inhales. Somehow- not really surprisingly this got us talking about smoking again.Apparently the real reason why Hot Cousin had quit smoking is that he has no weed. So Hot Cousin apparently likes his tobacco best mixed with a little marijuana. He said it was like mixing his two favorite things in the world and that he doesn’t really like to smoke either on their own. Now I am not a huge marijuana fan, but I was intrigued by this since I have never tried it. I’ve had both things on their own, but never together. I think what I dislike about marijuana is that because it is illegal, quality is always variable which means that the same amount of weed smoked does not always get you as high. Or you could completely incapacitate yourself with very little of a good product. But you never really know what you have until you’ve smoked it. Cigarettes, because they are regulated- despite brand differences are a very consistent product. Regardless, at this point in our weekend, we had neither tobacco nor weed.

The next day was spent skiing and fantasizing about smoking. Or at least that is what I was doing on the chairlift. I know the others were hoping that Roommate’s Sister would bring some marijuanacrossjoint when she came and she delivered. So that evening- after a day of skiing some weed was smoked. It wasn’t very good and all it did was make me crave a cigarette even more. Hot Cousin kept muttering his disappointment of not having any tobacco to mix with the weed as he rolled the cross joint. I kept fantasizing about how if he had said tobacco, I’d ask him to roll me just a plain cigarette. Especially since the weed was not very good, why have it mess with perfectly good tobacco? Part of this affirmed my fetish for cigarettes. I mean weed is just as dangerous, you still smoke it- inhaling probably worse crud into your lungs since there is no filter and it is illegal. I do enjoy watching the exhales almost as much. But did it turn me on? Nope. Not even a little. Seeing Hot Cousin inhale and exhale off of the cross joint, just sent me into fantasies about him doing the same to a cigarette. His style with a joint was not bad, so under the influence of the weed my mind wandered into cigarette fantasies.

I think that part of the reason why it does not turn me on as much is that the social taboo is not the same despite the fact that pot is illegal. There is a little a bit of a social taboo, but it is different. People still find ways to try and justify their pot smoking, saying stuff like it is not as bad as smoking cigarettes as if cigarettes are the mark of something that is bad for you. I mean the majority of time in health class is devoted to preventing you from smoking cigarettes probably because they are more readily available. Even amongst my pretty straight laced friends, marijuana use is more “okay” than cigarette use. The only exception to that is my boyfriend who sees marijuana as infinitely worse as it is illegal. Like my roommate for example- asking Hot Cousin why he doesn’t just stay quit- citing many of the “quit smoking” aids available, and yet she openly wishes she could find a marijuana dealer so she can get high more often. Tobacco smoking is seen as something “to be quit” whereas pot smoking is seen as “recreational” or “medicinal”. Marijuana is less physically addictive and less people go on to habitually use it like cigarettes so I think this is where people start pointing the finger at cigarettes being “bad”.

All and all it was a great holiday though… it was just one that at many times had me wishing I had stopped off and picked up a fresh pack of cigarettes. At start of the holiday this had not occurred to me. Actually- I am just getting over being sick, and with my cough I was unsure of how the even the pot smoke would feel. I was scared I would hack up a lung. But amazingly- nothing of the sort happened… I guess I understand slightly better now how smoker continue to smoke through colds, coughs and the like. I think I will spend the rest of today contemplating acting on some of my cigarette fantasies. I’m just worried that they are too good to be true…

My Sexuality

Before I get into a discussion about what exactly turns me on when it comes to smoking, I think I need to give a little background on my sexuality and what I have come to believe about sexual orientation. I have spent almost as much time thinking about my sexuality as I have about my fascination with smoking only with my orientation I feel like I know exactly who I am.

I spent most of my adolescence pretty confident in the fact that I was straight. I had crushes on boys and most of my steamier dreams were about guys. I started to question my sexuality in my first year of university. It was second semester and the guy whom I had been crushing on sends me an MSN message telling me he is gay. In my head, I thought- not again even though this was the first time this had ever happened to me. I don’t know why I thought that- but I think it had something to do with every single guy that I had ever had a crush on was somewhat effeminate. I think this was just luck- since I have since been attracted to non-effeminate guys. Regardless, there were a few others that came out to me over the next couple of years. Meanwhile- I was starting to think there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe my stepmother was right to be worried that in fact I might be lesbian. She is pretty homophobic and that was probably her biggest nightmare.

The prospect of possibly being lesbian did not bother me. I had never seen anything wrong with homosexuality despite being brought up in the Catholic Church and living in a tiny homophobic little town. In fact, that was one of the reasons that I started questioning my faith when I was younger in the first place. But that is another story for another time. What bothered me was being in this state of limbo, of not knowing. I wanted to know for sure exactly what my sexual preference was and I wanted to know now. It isn’t too different to how I have been feeling recently with exploring this side of my sexuality.

To be perfectly honest, I had a really narrow view of sexual orientation before I started really researching it and finding out about it. Before this questioning period I thought that people were gay or straight and that girls that called themselves bisexual were just doing it to turn on the boys. Sure I wasn’t homophobic, but I certainly had no idea how complex things are. I joined a forum for gay people and found it was a great place to explore in a semi-anonymous atmosphere. I made a lot of friends that I could be really open with, people who had experience with what I was going through.

I came to identify myself with the label bisexual. It took a long time before I did though. Even within the gay community there is a lot of stigma behind calling yourself bisexual. There were a lot of people that told me there is no such thing as being bisexual and that bisexuality was merely a transition period between coming out as gay or going back to being straight. That it was a cop out label for someone that is scared to call himself or herself gay and bisexuality- especially for women is more accepted. I didn’t really care. I couldn’t deny that I had feelings- both sexual and emotional for both men and women. I see sexuality as a continuum. I probably have more heterosexual tendencies so I would say there is about a 60/40 spilt heterosexual/ homosexual. 

I had my first crush on a girl in university. She was my roommate and nothing ever happened between us, but I definitely had more than platonic feelings for her. I almost met up with a few girls from the forum, but at the time I was not ready to come out. I have since, ironically, after starting the current relationship I am in. I guess it is ironic in the sense that I found love at a time when I had pretty much given up finding anyone: man or woman.

So what turns me on? Well if you are still reading, you could probably guess that seeing both women and men smoke turns me on. I prefer reading stories or seeing it in real life to the staged or overtly sexual pictures that you can pay for.  For some reason, I find it so much more arousing if the person does not seem aware of the fact that they might be turning someone on. I’m not big on tricks, I just prefer watching someone smoke naturally- like they would on a day-to-day basis. Watching them take the smoke into their lungs hold it and exhale with a look of pleasure on their face. It is really that simple for me. There is also the attraction of the fact that they are doing something inherently bad. I really like watching people that you would never expect to be smokers light up. Those are my favorite. I think those are my favorite because I kind of put myself into that category- of the people that are least likely to smoke but do anyways. I guess I’m not in that category right now, but if I ever started smoking I think that is where I would put myself.

I’ll probably write some more on this later. I feel like I have only touched the tip of the iceberg as to what I find so alluring and I’ve already reached almost 1000 words. Until the next time I procrastinate from studying… 

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