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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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Smoking fetish

On a roll…

So I drove by myself a lot this weekend, meaning I spent a lot of time thinking about how Strange and Beautiful might go. I have the story outlined until where it began initially so now I just have to get it written out.

The unfortunate side effect of writing smoking fiction or even outlining possible story lines for smoking fiction is it made me really want to smoke. The urge was the worst when I was hungry. If I hadn’t correctly identified what I really needed, I was pretty close to buying a pack of cigarettes today.  I had the exact scheme and even how I’d get away with smoking it before I got home to my husband.

But I don’t want to start that again, where I’m smoking behind his back and I really don’t actually want to start smoking, despite what my fantasies say. That is what my 9 months of vaping and subsequent quit gave me. I’m able to separate reality vs fantasy. The urge I had today was the type that frequently led to me purchasing cigarettes and smoking in the past, but I guess I figured out how to ride these out.

What worked for those of you looking for tips: knowing that my desire in the moment no matter how big, was not bigger than my desire to be honest with myself, not start smoking again and also recognizing that it was all in my head, not from a legitimate need. I needed food and I think because I was thinking about my story, my brain was like you need to smoke. To be fair, when I was actively using nicotine that typically is how I felt when I needed to vape.

Anyhow, I got home and instead of doing chores or what not, I started to pen Chapter 24. So here it is: Chapter 24. Enjoy!

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An Update of Sorts

I thought I would write an update of sorts. Life is pretty good for me right now. Even though when I seem to get one area of life under control, another slips. I haven’t been doing great with eating lately. Namely, I’ve been eating too much or food that my body doesn’t like, resulting in weight gain and feeling gross. I’m working on it… ok honestly I haven’t been working on it. I have a terrible attitude when I comes to this. I keep telling myself I will start the low FODMAP elimination diet to figure out my trigger foods next week and it keeps getting put off. It reminds me of when I was contemplating quitting vaping, which means I will eventually get off my ass and do this.

I just started a new position at work. It started out a bit stressful with a crisis my boss was dealing with in his personal life. But things seem to be settling down.

Today, watching a woman smoke in her car, I realized just how appealing I still think smoking is. But it is tempered with the fact that I don’t really want to smoke myself. I think back to how anxious I felt all the time when I was using regularly and it literally kills my desire.

Writing smoking fiction seems to help channel the desire too. I’ve written two chapters to Strange and Beautiful, Chapter 22 and Chapter 23. Sometimes it backfires and makes me want to smoke more, but on the whole, it serves it’s purpose. I think this story is almost done. Apparently it is really long now, like almost novella length. I mean theoretically it could go on indefinitely, but I want it to have an ending.

That is all for tonight, hope this post finds my readers well.

How to deal with having a smoking fetish (in my non-expert opinion)

I’ve been thinking a lot about this given where I am today vs where I was when I started this blog. I used to be super ashamed of my fetish like it was something super freakish that I needed to suppress. But this instinct to suppress it, only made it stronger. Now I simply see it as something that developed during my formative years, likely in response to the anti-smoking propaganda that was very prevalent in the 90’s when I was growing up. My fascination started young, pre-internet and completely disconnected from pornography.

I recently read this article: Are Sexual Tastes Immutable? which describe a bit about how sexual tastes are acquired and whether or not they can be changed once they have been acquired. From this article asserts that:

Indeed, most of us have a good bit of indirect say over our sexual tastes (as contrasted with our sexual orientation). Brains are plastic. The truth is we are always training our brains—with or without our conscious participation. We can choose to avoid, pursue, and cease pursuit of, stimuli that condition our sexual tastes in particular directions.

On the many smoking fetish forums I’ve participated in, most people feel as though:

  1. Their sexual fetish for smoking developed young, often pre-internet exposure or even pre-pornography exposure.
  2. They feel as though it is something that they have always had or always will have.

This makes sense because the younger someone develops these sexual tastes, the more likely it will seem that they are innate and unchangeable.

My fetish has changed over time, but it certainly does feel as though it is here to stay. That said, I think if I had really wanted to rid myself of, I’ve been going about it completely the wrong way for many, many years.

That said, it isn’t too late if I want to change. The article quotes neuroplasticity expert Norman Doidge’s The Brain that Changes Itself:

Their treatment for sexual tastes acquired later in life was far simpler than that for patients who, in their critical periods [of development], acquired a preference for problematic sexual types. Yet even some of these men were able, like A., to change their [preferred] sexual type, because the same laws of neuroplasticity that allow us to acquire problematic tastes also allow us, in intensive treatment, to acquire newer, healthier ones and in some cases even to lose our older, troubling ones. It’s a use-it-or-lose-it brain, even where sexual desire and love are concerned.

The article mentions, that if one is going to try to rid himself or herself of an unwanted sexual taste, they should avoid their stimulus. For example, in my case, a stimulus I could avoid is watching YouTube videos featuring women smoking. I’ve never watched smoking pornography, although when I was confessing my fetish to my partner I referred to it as ‘smoking pornography’ as for a person with a smoking fetish, no sex need be depicted for it to be an arousing image.

So what is my advice to you if you have a smoking fetish and it bugs you:

  1. Figure out where your fetish might have started. I found the more I explored the roots of my fetish, the less powerful it seemed to be.
  2. Avoid masturbation to smoking stimuli. This only reinforces the fetish.
  3. Avoid visiting website promoting smoking. Pro-smoking websites only reinforce the alluring parts of smoking.
  4. Start seeing smoking as a normal thing to do. The more I saw smoking as simply something people did rather than what I had built it up in my head to be (the ultimate ‘bad girl’ action, ‘the worst thing I could do to myself’. As I started to see smoking as ‘just smoking’, I found it less arousing.
  5. If all else fails, seek professional help.

If you have a smoking fetish, it doesn’t bother you but you are having trouble being aroused by your non-smoking partner:

  1. If they don’t smoke, don’t try to get them to smoke.
  2. Eliminate consumption of smoking media (videos, stories, forum posts etc.) This will increase your attraction to your real life partner.
  3. Incorporate non-nicotine vaping as a way to ‘play with the fetish’ in a non-addictive, less harmful way.If that doesn’t do it, see 2.
  4. Read step 1 again. Seriously, don’t do it. If it is that important to you that your partner smoke, find a smoker to be with.

If you are a non-smoker with a smoking fetish thinking about trying smoking because of your fetish:

  1. Experiment with non-nicotine vaping. I actually got a huge kick out of chucking giant clouds with my sub-ohm device. I suggest not going the route of nicotine as there really isn’t any need to add a nicotine addiction that you don’t already have. If I get the urge to smoke again, I have my device ready with my favourite juice precisely for this purpose.
  2. Get real with why you want to try smoking. For most people with a fetish, it starts as a curiosity about how smoking feels. For other people, it is an escalation of sorts. When pictures and videos don’t do it for them anymore, actually smoking ups the ante. So is it curiosity or a desire to escalate the intensity of the experience? Either way, proceed with caution. You basically have no idea how your body will react to nicotine and it can be a powerful reinforcer.
  3. If you do decide to try it, be okay with the possibility of becoming addicted. I know that sounds super ominous, but some people have a pretty intensely positive reaction to smoking. I know I did.

Where am I at? I am thinking about reducing my reliance on smoking fantasy when I masturbate. This sounds a bit daunting as I cannot recall a time in my adult life where I haven’t masturbated to smoking fantasy. No seriously. I’ve never been a huge picture or video watcher (although I have done it). I was much more into smoking erotica. Currently, watch some videos and mostly rely on my ‘what if I had started then…” fantasies which are pretty mundane but do the trick. Interestingly, my fantasies have changed since my 9 month vaping stint. Pre and during vaping my fantasies were always about future me starting to smoke. Since quitting, I know I don’t want to smoke in the present or future (and have to endure quitting again). The thought simply doesn’t arouse me anymore. This is a big change and I think that if that can change other things about my sexual tastes can change.

One thing that I have started doing that seems to be helping is incorporating mindfulness into my masturbation. What does this mean? Instead of using a fantasy to bring on arousal, I simply focus on all of the sensations that I am feeling while I masturbate or even on my breathing. Just like with mindful meditation, when I find my mind wandering or drumming up my regular fantasies, I just gently bring my attention back to my breathing or to the sensations that I am feeling. It typically takes longer to ‘complete’ than with fantasies but I’m finding that I am more satisfied. I think I could write a whole post just on this. For me, this seems more sensible than avoiding masturbation entirely (as I do not compulsively masturbate) and I think it will help on some level with retraining my brain.

Challenge Day 14: My 200th Post!

How fitting that I get this question for my 200th post.

The question for today is: When was the first time you were confronted with a part of yourself you didn’t really want to acknowledge?

When I started this blog. Ultimately, it was something that had simmered in the back of my mind for a long time but I guess I hoped that it would go away if I ignored it.

But it didn’t. It was hard to acknowledge that my fetish wasn’t going away. It was hard to acknowledge that I wanted to smoke. It was again hard to acknowledge that part of me wanted to be addicted because I think that desire is messed up. It was hard to acknowledge that in order to be free, I needed to give in entirely. It was also necessary to quit nicotine entirely to be completely free.

I know that might sound illogical, especially if you’ve never been addicted to anything before. It might sound foolish to anyone who has ever struggled with addiction. I still think I needed to go through my full surrender to nicotine in order to quash the desire ‘to be a smoker’, something that I think through my fetish had been married to a fantasy about smoking that actually wasn’t completely in line with reality.

I’ve accepted my fetish and that I have about as much control over it as someone has over being gay or straight. One theory on fetishes is that we imprint on something from our childhood. For me it was smoking.

I can control how I choose to let it into my life. I don’t need to smoke to fulfill it. The past few months have taught me that. I’m grateful I’m where I am with this and can’t wait to see where the next few years will take me.

Meditation: The Sound of Silence

Day 25 & 26: Surfing the Urge

Yesterday, I was in a good mood all day. Got a little weepy watching Inside Out with my class, which is a great movie to teach older kids, teens and even adults about emotions. Picked up some wood from the hardware store to build a garden box with my cousin and had him and his wife over for dinner.  After, dinner we had some drinks and my husband and my cousin decided to smoke pipes. Cue giant craving to join them.

My husband was very good in not offering me any. I kept myself busy while they smoked, making the most delicious Bailey’s and Hot chocolate that I’ve ever had for me and my cousins wife. And I vaped which took care of the craving to ‘smoke something’. My cousin asked why I wasn’t joining them and I told him I was 25 days into quitting. I talked to my husband about it after and he said that maybe one day I’ll be able to smoke a pipe again. I agree with him. Pipe smoking is something I’ve always been able to moderate my use with. It is hard to compulsively smoke pipes.

But I’m not ready yet. I don’t think I’ll be ready for at least a year. In fact, I want to give my brain at least that long without any nicotine before I attempt any moderation with smoking tobacco. Perhaps in that time, I’ll find a good pipe tobacco substitute e-juice that doesn’t leave a shitty aftertaste. I’m going through e-juice at a much slower rate now. I think I have enough juice for the next 6 months at least. I mean, I only vape about maximum 3 times a day. My consumption is down from a half or two thirds of a tank per day to a tank lasting more than a week. Good part about that, is that it is cheaper. The bad part is less juice sampling. I think I might work buying new e-juice into a reward system: for every milestone up to a year, I buy myself a new juice.

I’m glad my moodiness is starting to stabilize. I totally get why people relapse at various points in the first month of quitting. Some of the mood swings I haven’t seen the likes of since I was a hormonal teenager.

As for my fetish, I know it isn’t going away. I’m at a place with it where that is OK. One of my commenter said I missed talking about an important kind of craving: the fetish craving. This is actually, for me, the craving that started it all. I tried denying my desire to smoke and my fetish and that failed miserably; I tried pseudo-moderation with smoking and that led me to daily smoking which led me to daily vaping. Daily vaping might have worked, if it weren’t for my job requiring me to go without for 3 plus hours and the affects on my sleep quality. Daily vaping allowed me connect some of the things I find attractive about smoking to a version of smoking that I might not have found attractive otherwise. It led me to nicotine free vaping, which seems to scratch the fetish itch just fine. We will how it fairs long term.

You might ask: why not go nicotine-free from the start? I don’t think it would have worked because I still hadn’t gotten that ‘chasing the high’ mentality out of my head. I would have felt it was lacking. Now that I’ve experienced the difference between beginning/occasional smoking and smoking/ using nicotine when you are well and truly addicted I have a different perspective. After 25 days, the thing that has gotten me through the rough patches  emotionally/cognitively is that I physically feel the best I have felt in months. And that makes it all worth it.

This Explains A Lot Actually

Why anti-smoking campaigns fail – http://wp.me/p7oqTw-p

The article talks about why guilt based anti-smoking campaigns don’t work.

To quote the article:

The researchers suggest that when the emotion of guilt is activated, there can be a magnification of pleasure which derives from hedonic consumption, because there is a cognitive association between guilt and pleasure (Cho & Dar, 2015)

Perhaps this is why the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.

I still think anti-smoking campaigns are a large part of how my fetish developed. I mean there are the visual aspects that have been sexualized by society but aside from that I think the anti-smoking campaigns set smoking up as this terrible thing that you should never do and yet deep down it always seemed like it was something that I wanted to do.

But there might be something to this guilt thing as well. I haven’t quite figured out how it might be connected only that because smoking is vilified by society, it is only natural one might feel guilty doing it. I think this ties into my smoking fetish in the knowledge I’m doing something ‘bad’ and doing it anyways was always a turn-on for me. 

Canadian Kinks

this-is-the-porn-canadians-are-searching-for-body-image-1457364384-size_1000

We are surprisingly diverse in porn taste here in Canada and I thought it interesting that smoking actually made the list as a most searched in New Brunswick as it usually seems to be a kind of niche thing. I remember when I first told my now husband, I made such a big deal out of the fact that I had a fetish that he guessed almost every other kink and and was relieved that it was smoking. Although I would call it more of kink than a fetish. On par with guys in kilts. But I digress…

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