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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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Sexuality

The Need to Confess… Part Two

I’ve been trying to work out how to confess to my significant other that I not only have spent the past week smoking, behind his and everyone elses back but that I have absolutely no desire to stop. I’m forcing myself to stop smoking until I tell him. Why? Because this is the only thing I can think of that will give me sufficient motivation to tell him. I almost told him last night. The conversation was not quite serious enough though  and all I got out was that I really like inhaling smoke. I got him to agree to go to a hookah bar with me and it scared me a little that he was even resistant to that. Despite all of the smoking bans, hookah bars are still allowed to have smoking for cultural reasons as long as the shisha is tobacco free. I think this is funny seeing as it is still smoking and undoubtedly just as bad for you, just not addictive. Plus- for the most part I do not think you inhale the smoke… I’ve gone off on a tangent.

Anyhow- now that I am no longer permitting myself to smoke, I want to that much more. The forbidden fruit factor I guess. I mean it was still forbidden when I was doing it, only now it is more forbidden since I am no longer permitting myself to do it. I’m not sure that makes any sense. The past seven days are the longest stretch of continuous smoking I have ever done. Sure I missed two days, but I almost smoked every day last week. It was the first time I actually felt like a smoker. It was the first time that even in my mind I identified myself as such.  As odd as it might sound, I even liked the way it made me smell- a smell I previously detested on others. My last cigarette I even postponed washing my hand for as long as I could because I liked occasionally smelling it. Last night, thinking about never doing it again made me really sad. I think that if (or should I say…when?) I give myself permission to indulge at will, I still I have little desire to become a heavy smoker. I enjoy my active lifestyle and will continue to do all the things I did before. This of course will not happen until I tell my boyfriend and I still feel that he is the only one who needs to know about my smoking.

How do I bring this up? Do I take my pack out of my hiding spot in my truck and show him? How do I tell him that although I am a perfectly intelligent, normally rational personal, I have this one desire that is not based in reason? I consider myself to be a perfectly intelligent human being.  How do I explain to him that in my mind, the benefits outweigh the risks when he only see it as being self-destructive? I mean it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I have this desire to something that I know is bad for me and that part of the reason I enjoy doing it so much is because it is bad for me. The other side of why I want to do it has to with my sexuality and how smoking has somehow, even without me actively doing it has become intrinsically tied to my sexual being. I was reading my earlier blog posts and never when I started this blog in November would I have thought that this is where my journey would take me. I feel so much less repressed now and I feel like “coming out” or coming completely clean about my desire and intent to smoke to my boyfriend is the last step. I think the reason why I am so hesitant is because I am scared it will destroy the relationship. Maybe it will be destroyed because I have not been completely honest. Almost more scary for me- I’m scared he will reject me because of it and I think that it is such a big deal because of what it means to me. Smoking is not just smoking for me. It is not about the nicotine, although I do enjoy the effects. I can tell there is no physical draw for me yet, at least not from nicotine. If it was about the nicotine, I could go out and buy myself some gum or lozenges or even smokeless tobacco. Starting smoking for me is probably as big of a deal for me as quitting smoking is to people.

As crazy as it may sound, I think that my desire to smoke and by extension any smoking I do are part of who I am. And I guess I am scared of having this side of my personality revealed and potentially rejected. Although I have been hiding the fetish from my significant other for almost four years now, it is only in the past six months that I have really come to terms with actually having the fetish and what that means.

I’m still not sure how I am going to tell him, I only know that must tell him because of what smoking means to me. I feel like everytime I smoke, it is like I am cheating on him with my other lover since in many ways, smoking is my other lover. I really do not want to have to pick between the two which I think is why I am so hesitant to talk to him about it. But I cannot keep sneaking around like this. The guilt of that will kill me quicker than any of the poisons I willfully inhale.

My Sexuality

Before I get into a discussion about what exactly turns me on when it comes to smoking, I think I need to give a little background on my sexuality and what I have come to believe about sexual orientation. I have spent almost as much time thinking about my sexuality as I have about my fascination with smoking only with my orientation I feel like I know exactly who I am.

I spent most of my adolescence pretty confident in the fact that I was straight. I had crushes on boys and most of my steamier dreams were about guys. I started to question my sexuality in my first year of university. It was second semester and the guy whom I had been crushing on sends me an MSN message telling me he is gay. In my head, I thought- not again even though this was the first time this had ever happened to me. I don’t know why I thought that- but I think it had something to do with every single guy that I had ever had a crush on was somewhat effeminate. I think this was just luck- since I have since been attracted to non-effeminate guys. Regardless, there were a few others that came out to me over the next couple of years. Meanwhile- I was starting to think there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe my stepmother was right to be worried that in fact I might be lesbian. She is pretty homophobic and that was probably her biggest nightmare.

The prospect of possibly being lesbian did not bother me. I had never seen anything wrong with homosexuality despite being brought up in the Catholic Church and living in a tiny homophobic little town. In fact, that was one of the reasons that I started questioning my faith when I was younger in the first place. But that is another story for another time. What bothered me was being in this state of limbo, of not knowing. I wanted to know for sure exactly what my sexual preference was and I wanted to know now. It isn’t too different to how I have been feeling recently with exploring this side of my sexuality.

To be perfectly honest, I had a really narrow view of sexual orientation before I started really researching it and finding out about it. Before this questioning period I thought that people were gay or straight and that girls that called themselves bisexual were just doing it to turn on the boys. Sure I wasn’t homophobic, but I certainly had no idea how complex things are. I joined a forum for gay people and found it was a great place to explore in a semi-anonymous atmosphere. I made a lot of friends that I could be really open with, people who had experience with what I was going through.

I came to identify myself with the label bisexual. It took a long time before I did though. Even within the gay community there is a lot of stigma behind calling yourself bisexual. There were a lot of people that told me there is no such thing as being bisexual and that bisexuality was merely a transition period between coming out as gay or going back to being straight. That it was a cop out label for someone that is scared to call himself or herself gay and bisexuality- especially for women is more accepted. I didn’t really care. I couldn’t deny that I had feelings- both sexual and emotional for both men and women. I see sexuality as a continuum. I probably have more heterosexual tendencies so I would say there is about a 60/40 spilt heterosexual/ homosexual. 

I had my first crush on a girl in university. She was my roommate and nothing ever happened between us, but I definitely had more than platonic feelings for her. I almost met up with a few girls from the forum, but at the time I was not ready to come out. I have since, ironically, after starting the current relationship I am in. I guess it is ironic in the sense that I found love at a time when I had pretty much given up finding anyone: man or woman.

So what turns me on? Well if you are still reading, you could probably guess that seeing both women and men smoke turns me on. I prefer reading stories or seeing it in real life to the staged or overtly sexual pictures that you can pay for.  For some reason, I find it so much more arousing if the person does not seem aware of the fact that they might be turning someone on. I’m not big on tricks, I just prefer watching someone smoke naturally- like they would on a day-to-day basis. Watching them take the smoke into their lungs hold it and exhale with a look of pleasure on their face. It is really that simple for me. There is also the attraction of the fact that they are doing something inherently bad. I really like watching people that you would never expect to be smokers light up. Those are my favorite. I think those are my favorite because I kind of put myself into that category- of the people that are least likely to smoke but do anyways. I guess I’m not in that category right now, but if I ever started smoking I think that is where I would put myself.

I’ll probably write some more on this later. I feel like I have only touched the tip of the iceberg as to what I find so alluring and I’ve already reached almost 1000 words. Until the next time I procrastinate from studying… 

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