Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



The Reboot

I’m currently watching the U.S. election results pour in and it has reminded me that nothing in life is guaranteed. Polls are often wrong. I mean, they were wrong about how close this race is. No clear winner yet. But being the introspective person that I am, I’ve started thinking about where I’m going from here, since I find it more comforting than imagining Donald Trump as president. 

Starting Monday, I’m going to add back the following: 

1) Up the exercise. In addition to walking the dog, I’m going to add three higher intensity exercise days of at least 30 minutes

2) Slow down when I’m eating and stop when I’m full.

3) If the urge to smoke arises again before March, puff on the vaporizer (nicotine free). 

I didn’t notice any sort of ‘withdrawal’ from my slight slip yesterday. All it confirmed in my mind is I don’t want to smoke. So you might ask why the weird permission to smoke every 3 months plan, I proposed yesterday? My rationalization is that my desire to smoke has less to actually smoking and more to do with the fact that I told myself I couldn’t. Giving myself a full-time free pass led to very habitual use. Plus, I know I don’t want that now. That killed the part of me that thought regular smoking might be good. To be clear, 3 months is the minimum. If I have no desire, I’m not going to smoke for the sake of smoking.

So here is to my reboot. May the odds be ever in my favor. 


Challenge Day 1: Places that make me feel whole

So in the interest of branching out, not sounding like a broken record and maybe even for those of you that have been reading awhile to get to know me better, I’m going to blog on a different pre-chosen topic everyday. There are lots of these sorts of challenges out there, but I didn’t love all the questions in any of them so I made my own out of a combination of websites. I created a page with the topics and links to each of these posts.

Today’s question was: Name three places that make you feel whole.

This is a tough question for me because in spite of a few insecurities I have, I almost always feel whole. I feel whole whenever I’m not on autopilot. So the where is anytime I’m being present, I feel whole.

I’m going to unpack that a bit further because I have a feeling that isn’t a super satisfying answer.

The place I feel the most present in my life and thus the most whole is outside in nature.


This one of many pictures taken by me on the many walks I take with my dog during the week. Nothing makes me feel more present, more whole or more alive than going for these walks.


The mountains aren’t near my house, but I love hiking in the mountains. I love the stillness of nature, the sounds and of course the sights. Being in nature fills me with awe, something going to church never did.


I picked three pictures to represent three places, but really there aren’t only three. I bring my wholeness with me.

I’m also going to pick a different meditation to do each day. Today I chose Blue Sky- Meditation for Inner Stillness and Silence. I thought it fit with the theme of this post as well. I liked this one. I find using visualizations during meditation helps me focus and also helps bring me back when my mind wanders.

I found that focusing on self-care rather than the anxiety I’m feeling at times is more helpful than obsessing about feeling anxious. I find that meditation is often the best way to do this.

I’ve started exercising more regularly again as well which helps keeps the moods up as well. My friend asked me to do a 10 km race with her and I thought what better way to motivate myself to get back into running. I completed day 14 of my program today and was happy to see my running fitness is quickly returning.

Technically, it is a half-marathon training program, however there are built in 5 km and 10 km race days so my plan is to do the plan up to the 10 km race day and then maybe continue on. I like the half-marathon distance. It is sufficiently challenging without your life becoming only about running. This is the first time I’ve followed a training program that does time rather than distance and I’m liking it.

Until tomorrow…

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