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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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relationship

Step 1: Be Honest

Something I have been working at ever since I told my boyfriend the reflex lie of, “What do you mean my sweatshirt smells like smoke?” in response to his question “Have you been smoking?” is being more honest with him. Of course- I’m still working on bringing up past smoking transgressions, but I figure step one is being more honest about the present.

Well the opportunity to be more honest with my boyfriend presented itself last night and instead of my reflexive response to deny, I took the high road and confessed. Before you get too excited, he still does not know about the past four months of occasional cigarette smoking. But I did fess up to smoking something…

Here is the story. My roommate, boyfriend and I went shopping at the mall and roommate decides to bring up recent pot smoking done up in mountains. She starts talking about how it didn’t really make her high and her comments sort of begged me to answer. I took a moment instead of either responding right way or not responding at all to think about what I could say. On one hand I could just lie by omission- not say anything and boyfriend will probably think I didn’t smoke pot (or will forever wonder if I did- and potentially trust me less). On the other hand, I could just respond with the comment I want to make- not making a big deal about it and have him find out that I indeed have smoked marijuana again. I picked option 2 and I said, “Yeah, I didn’t really feel much of anything either.” To which boyfriend replies (disappointed), “Wait a second, you were smoking pot too?” To which I replied (jokingly), “Yes, but technically I didn’t get high from it so it almost doesn’t count.” Then a little more seriously I asked, “Are you mad/disappointed with me?” to which he replied, “No.” I actually think he appreciates the fact that I didn’t lie to him even though he totally does not approve of pot smoking. He is one person that definitely sees pot as way worse than cigarettes.

I think the key to getting over reflexive lying about things that you have hidden in the past is to take a moment before replying to think of possible responses and then answer. If you truly want to be honest and are ready to come clean then the split second you wait could mean the difference between telling the truth and perpetuating the lies. Also, for me- I’m starting to learn that honesty in the relationship is the best policy, because you are who you are, and that isn’t changing. Whomever you choose to be with needs to accept who you are or move on. I’ve made some mistakes with Boyfriend in this area, but I think that it is never too late to start being more honest with him.

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Caught?

Lying becomes so easy when you do it all the time. It almost becomes a reflex- when it shouldn’t be. I know what I should have said tonight. I knew it two-seconds after the lie left my mouth. Lies. I think that is the worst thing that has come from me smoking. I’m cuddling in bed with my boyfriend and he was like- “you smell like smoke.” Of course if had smoked today or even the day before I might have been a little prepared for it. But I haven’t smoked for two days now and I thought I was wearing a clean sweatshirt. In any case, the sweatshirt I am wearing has been washed- so it just goes to show how deep the smell of smoke seeps in or how bad I am at doing laundry, one of the two. In any case, I’m not sure he bought the lie that left my mouth tonight. He asked me point blank, “Have you been smoking?” and I said no. Which I should have said- “Not recently in that sweatshirt, I’m not sure why washing didn’t remove the smell” (and made a joke about it) or “yes, are you mad that I have been keeping it from you?” He later made a comment/joke about me being his “little covert smoker”- which is why I am pretty sure he is on to me.

In any case, I should tell him. As I should have months ago… for some reason I have this feeling that is going to be more mad about me keeping something from him than his is going to be about the actual smoking. I mean sure he doesn’t want me to smoke for protective, “I want you to live as long as possible reasons”, but I think the betrayal of me lying to him will hurt him more. Really- I deserve what is coming to me. I’ve made my bed and now I have to sleep in it.

And now for some Hawksley Workman… since he sometimes can say things better than I can:

The Need to Confess… Part Two

I’ve been trying to work out how to confess to my significant other that I not only have spent the past week smoking, behind his and everyone elses back but that I have absolutely no desire to stop. I’m forcing myself to stop smoking until I tell him. Why? Because this is the only thing I can think of that will give me sufficient motivation to tell him. I almost told him last night. The conversation was not quite serious enough though  and all I got out was that I really like inhaling smoke. I got him to agree to go to a hookah bar with me and it scared me a little that he was even resistant to that. Despite all of the smoking bans, hookah bars are still allowed to have smoking for cultural reasons as long as the shisha is tobacco free. I think this is funny seeing as it is still smoking and undoubtedly just as bad for you, just not addictive. Plus- for the most part I do not think you inhale the smoke… I’ve gone off on a tangent.

Anyhow- now that I am no longer permitting myself to smoke, I want to that much more. The forbidden fruit factor I guess. I mean it was still forbidden when I was doing it, only now it is more forbidden since I am no longer permitting myself to do it. I’m not sure that makes any sense. The past seven days are the longest stretch of continuous smoking I have ever done. Sure I missed two days, but I almost smoked every day last week. It was the first time I actually felt like a smoker. It was the first time that even in my mind I identified myself as such.  As odd as it might sound, I even liked the way it made me smell- a smell I previously detested on others. My last cigarette I even postponed washing my hand for as long as I could because I liked occasionally smelling it. Last night, thinking about never doing it again made me really sad. I think that if (or should I say…when?) I give myself permission to indulge at will, I still I have little desire to become a heavy smoker. I enjoy my active lifestyle and will continue to do all the things I did before. This of course will not happen until I tell my boyfriend and I still feel that he is the only one who needs to know about my smoking.

How do I bring this up? Do I take my pack out of my hiding spot in my truck and show him? How do I tell him that although I am a perfectly intelligent, normally rational personal, I have this one desire that is not based in reason? I consider myself to be a perfectly intelligent human being.  How do I explain to him that in my mind, the benefits outweigh the risks when he only see it as being self-destructive? I mean it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I have this desire to something that I know is bad for me and that part of the reason I enjoy doing it so much is because it is bad for me. The other side of why I want to do it has to with my sexuality and how smoking has somehow, even without me actively doing it has become intrinsically tied to my sexual being. I was reading my earlier blog posts and never when I started this blog in November would I have thought that this is where my journey would take me. I feel so much less repressed now and I feel like “coming out” or coming completely clean about my desire and intent to smoke to my boyfriend is the last step. I think the reason why I am so hesitant is because I am scared it will destroy the relationship. Maybe it will be destroyed because I have not been completely honest. Almost more scary for me- I’m scared he will reject me because of it and I think that it is such a big deal because of what it means to me. Smoking is not just smoking for me. It is not about the nicotine, although I do enjoy the effects. I can tell there is no physical draw for me yet, at least not from nicotine. If it was about the nicotine, I could go out and buy myself some gum or lozenges or even smokeless tobacco. Starting smoking for me is probably as big of a deal for me as quitting smoking is to people.

As crazy as it may sound, I think that my desire to smoke and by extension any smoking I do are part of who I am. And I guess I am scared of having this side of my personality revealed and potentially rejected. Although I have been hiding the fetish from my significant other for almost four years now, it is only in the past six months that I have really come to terms with actually having the fetish and what that means.

I’m still not sure how I am going to tell him, I only know that must tell him because of what smoking means to me. I feel like everytime I smoke, it is like I am cheating on him with my other lover since in many ways, smoking is my other lover. I really do not want to have to pick between the two which I think is why I am so hesitant to talk to him about it. But I cannot keep sneaking around like this. The guilt of that will kill me quicker than any of the poisons I willfully inhale.

Confessions

Over the holidays I confessed my fetish to my boyfriend. It actually went surprisingly well. Here is how things went down. I went to pick him up at his parent’s place which is about an hour away from where I was. I agonized over everything on the drive there, but when I saw him again within about five minutes of being with him, I realized both how much I loved him and why I fell in love with him with him in the first place. 

We drove toward my parent’s place and decided to go shopping when we got to the city. We had a nice lunch and decided to brave the busy malls. On the drive there, we were reconnecting and having a playful, yet probably the most honest and sincere conversation we have had in a long time, I said something like we really need to learn more about each other. I guess since I have been thinking about this stuff a lot lately, I brought up fetishes. I asked him if he had any and he turned the question right around on me, and asked me if I had any. I’m driving at this point in the city, trying to pay attention to the road and I blush and say yes. So I said I’d tell him mine if he told me his. He proceeded to list off a fairly tame list and said your turn. I couldn’t say it so I told him to try and guess to buy me some time. At this point, I realize shit, he is NOT going to give up until he finds out.

He started by naming every fetish that he classified as a “dumpable fetish”. I think this was because I told him I was scared he would think it was disgusting, so he named all the things he considered to be disgusting. You know- bestiality, golden showers, scat play, asphyxiation etc. I think in the 20 minute drive to the mall, he named every fetish he could think of ever having seen some sort of porn site on. He was starting to get frustrated and said something like- “I’ve already named all the unforgivable ones, yours can’t be that bad.” I told him it was something you could see people doing on the street and that it wasn’t something he would consider to be sexual. Still nothing. I think the hint that gave it away was that it is something that is bad for you, that society generally frowns upon but didn’t always and he put that together and guessed smoking. And then he laughed because he was like that isn’t a fetish. And later, after I told him it was mostly girls smoking and the thought of myself smoking turns me on he was like, “okay I guess that is a fetish.”

I guess what surprised me most is how accepting he is of it- especially after the hard time I have heard him give his brother. I even told him that I might even want to try smoking again at some point and he said he didn’t mind. He asked me if I had ever done it before because I guess he didn’t remember that I had told him that I had. I guess he also didn’t remember what his reaction to that was (which is why I was so scared to tell him in the first place). I think he was so fixated on the fact that I had smoked pot, that he didn’t remember that I had told him about my other smoking.

I told him about every time- and how it was mostly alone and that my urges to smoke are generally sexual in nature. I think he found that interesting more than anything. He really has no interest in taking part in any of it- but he did say that he has been attracted to smokers before- but not because they were smokers. I guess he was just trying to let me know that he wouldn’t be completely repulsed by me if I ever did it. I think he was also a little amused because he said something like, “You look at porn?” to which I replied- ,”Well you probably wouldn’t see it that way since the people are fully clothed- and well just smoking. I guess it is porn to me though.” I said I would show him sometime what porn looks like to me, since he seemed curious. He actually didn’t really understand what a fetish story would sound like… he kept asking, “So they just describe the smoking?” It was funny and I guess made me happy that the reaction was curiosity versus repulsion. He certainly doesn’t really understand it beyond the fact that he could see the attraction in that it is seen as bad, and bad can be sexy- especially to someone like me- smoking would seem really bad or definitely not
part of my image.

He had an interesting- very typical male response to it. He said something about I know how I can play to your fantasies- and he said something about picking up a smoking girl for a threesome. I playfully smacked him (exactly the reaction he was looking for) since that is the last thing I would want to do.

Within three hours of seeing him, I spill the beans on my fetish and it turned out far better than I could have imagined considering every comment he has made to me in the past. I think it was maybe because we were being completely serious with each other and he could see how closely I guarded this secret, despite spilling my beans anonymously on the Internet.

I’m not sure where things will go from here, but it feels good knowing that he knows. Knowing that I no longer have to keep this secret from him. I think that him knowing has brought us closer together since I realize now I was hiding a huge part of my sexual identity. 

I have a feeling he will never cater to my fantasies, but at this point I think I am okay with that. He has certain fantasies I might never be able to fulfill. Somethings may even be best left as fantasy since reality can often not live up to the magnificent fantasy world I have in my head.

Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my partner recently. He doesn’t know about my fetish and we’ve been together for almost four years now. I’m starting to feel like I need to tell him. I know that keeping this secret is not a good thing and more recently I’ve realized how ingrained it is in me. I mean it was always there, whether I was consciously contemplating it or not. Even if I am not thinking about it, when I’ve forced myself not to fantasize, all it takes is seeing someone out on the street or watching someone in a movie to bring me back. I guess I never thought about telling him before because I had never really accepted myself that it was here to stay. I thought that maybe once I was in a relationship, I would no longer need the fantasies that kept me company during my single years. Of course, it turns out I was wrong. In fact, my most unattainable fantasy involves my boyfriend smoking, which would of course never happen since he is very anti.

For better or for worse, I feel like I am going to have to tell him- lest I let it eat away at my insides, racking me with guilt over with holding a part of myself from someone I love. He’ll either not be able to get over it or accept me with it. But even if he accepts me, I know that based on his current attitude toward smoking- my fantasies will stay just that- fantasies. This might be fine, since I will not know what I am missing and maybe nothing could live up to the fantasies I have built in my head. But what if it isn’t enough? I guess it is good we have some time apart so that I can think on this. Mull things over in my head, as usual, before I do anything.

This will be a short post, since I have much to do to prepare for Christmas. I probably won’t post any new entries until after Christmas- but I will have time to check comments and reply to those. Happy Holidays Everyone and All The Best in the New Year!

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