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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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reflection

The Smokers Club

I found this interesting documentary two college students did about smoking and I though I would share it with the readers. It is not really fetish related, but caters to my interests, namely exploring why people try smoking and why people continue to smoke. Plus, there are some good moments in the film and overall I think it was well done. One thing I noticed is neither of the people making the documentary smoked a lot, at most half a pack a day. The in fact, Maria was the one who smoked less, but had more trouble staying smoke free. I think what it showed is the huge psychological component to smoking and that it doesn’t really matter how much you smoke, but how attached you are to it. ┬áIt also made me appreciate how easy I have it when I go through my “I don’t want to smoke phases” as I am not surrounded by it. Both of the documentarians were surrounded by friends that smoke. I think if that were the case with me, I probably would be smoking all the time right now. The social barrier to my smoking is the biggest and I have been a little unfair to my boyfriend in saying that it mainly him who prevents me from smoking. It really isn’t. It is how I perceive my entire social group would react to my vice/indulgence that stops me from taking it up. Part of me really hates the fact that I care what others think at the age of 26. I’m happy not smoking but also unhappy that the reason I don’t smoking has very little to do with myself. Especially after finishing Atlas Shrugged, I felt really silly for not doing something that could potentially make me happier mainly because others would not want me to. While the whole book did not resonate with me, certain parts did especially this quote:

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

Anyhow… without further delay, here is the documentary:
Part 1:

Part2:

Hope you enjoyed!

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Just Over Half Way…

As of a couple of days ago, I think it would have been either Wednesday or Thursday, I made it through half a pack of cigarettes. It only took me, I don’t know, two and half months. I have 11 left now and there were 25 to begin with. I was going to have one today- but right now I don’t feel like it and honestly, something I have learned through the last 14 cigarettes- no point in smoking when you do not feel like it. The experience is not nearly as good when you aren’t into it. And I find I rush it when I’m not really into it- which tends to make the cigarette even worse. There is nothing worse than a rushed cigarette.

I did this silly Facebook quiz to say what my “true age” was- but I had trouble filling in sort of the categories. The questions on smoking were either: do you smoke more than two packs a day or less than two packs a day or you have quit but it has been less than 5 years or more than 5 years since you quit or you have never smoked. Now I could say that I smoke less than two packs a day- but honestly that puts me in the same category as someone who smokes 20X what I do. I am well aware that any smoking is bad, but seriously- there was no room for any sort of “occasionally” gray area. The drinking question was not much better. You either drink one, two, three, four, five or more, or no drinks a day. Where is the answer for number of drinks in a week? I don’t drink every day, sometimes not even at all during a week. When I do drink it is usually on the weekend.

Anyhow, the reason why I was posting is because I haven’t really decided what I will do when the pack is finished. I think I’m just going to take things as they come. If I want more, I’ll buy more- but if I don’t, no need to spend money on something I that don’t want. I have a feeling that even if I do not want more right away, I will eventually want more and will eventually buy another pack.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have smoked all 14 cigarettes- for most people getting through a pack probably does not represent much of a feat. But considering how long I agonized over the decision, it is a big deal to me. And the world has not imploded like I once thought it would… and the most surprising thing to come from all of this, as I mentioned in my last post, is peace. My mind can finally rest and worry about more important things- like lesson planning, which I actually enjoy doing.

Philosophizing…

I was composing a whole post on making choices and morality, but for some reason it did not feel right to me so I scrapped the whole thing. I found my old journal that actually documents a little of my first experiences with smoking. I thought it was long lost. I was actually once again surprised at how guarded I was in my writing. Maybe I was still scared that someone would find it and read it. Maybe I was scared that writing it down would make things more real.

From even before I bought my first pack, having inhaled maybe about a cigarette’s worth of puff’s off of my friend’s cigarettes I was having thoughts like this:

I don’t know why, but right now I really want a cigarette. From the way I want one, you would never guess that I don’t smoke.

These thoughts perplexed me… even then.

Later, after I had purchased my first pack I actually said the following which I thought was quite profound for an 18 year old:

I live in a world of doublethink- where I think two contradicting thoughts at the same time and believe them both. Smoking is so bad for me, I don’t really like doing it, but at the same time I do. My favourite part has to be watching the smoke come out of my mouth… and it has to be smoke that I have inhaled or it does not look right.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term ‘doublethink’, it comes from George Orwell’s book, 1984 and I have given the most simple definition of it above (bolded part). I remember reading the book and thinking it was a really clever term since it applies to many things in life.

My thoughts regarding smoking often contradict themselves as I noticed many years ago. Although I do not think I hate smoking as much as I did then, perhaps because I’m getting more accustomed to it and perhaps because I have found a brand that I like. But there is still a lot of contradiction going on in my head… although I’m not sure that is it textbook “doublethink” or exactly like what is presented in 1984- but similar.

I’ve deemed this a “smoking week” as I actually have time to indulge and it is getting warmer out. I am getting bolder with my smoking in the sense that I am not as careful as I used to be. Yesterday, I smoked in the backyard shelter as I knew no one would be home for awhile. Today, I “went for tea” which meant I went for a smoke, picked up my tea and headed home right away even though there was a good chance that my roommate would smell it on me. Maybe I want someone to catch me… although I’m not sure what I would say if they did. I like to think I would be bold and say- “so what, it is not like it is illegal?” But I would probably act just like a teenager caught red handed by their parents.

At this point, I don’t feel like I am going to regret my decision to smoke. I’m actually the most at peace I have been for awhile. I never thought I would say that since I always thought that smoking would throw my life into upheaval- but I think, like with everything else in life, there is peace in balance. Maybe it is doublethink at work and I’m now living a life of “controlled insanity”. I’ll take the controlled insanity, if it gives me peace.

The Sound of Silence

I’ve been busy, busy and thus there have been a lack of updates. I’ve only smoked one cigarette since the last one and that will be two weeks ago as of today. Feels like just yesterday. I actually caught the cold that is going around and have had little desire to light up. This has been both odd for me as of late and was also a blessing because I was able to concentrate on my work for a bit without daydreaming about having a cigarette. I still think about it, albeit less than I had been.

I decided to set a date for the next time I would smoke and it is coming up pretty fast. About two weeks from now. I decided to do something a little more risky that day and let myself smoke more than once if I want to that day. Although I will be sure to space them out as to not make myself sick. I tend to get carried away because I want to be able to smoke like someone that does it all the time, but I have not the nicotine tolerance to do so. I’m looking forward to my one day of completely letting go of my sense of control. There is something strangely attractive about the idea of it.

I have not really been reflecting much on these things as of late because my powers of introspection have been directed toward my course work. I think that one thing I have going for me as a teacher is I’m already entirely too self-reflective for my own good. But perhaps this skill will come to benefit my students as I will constantly be thinking of way I can improve on what I am doing. On that note, I will sign out for now and get back to my school work. It never seems to end.

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