Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Day 2: More Tired, More Cravings, More Difficult but not impossible

The morning was the worse, followed by lunchtime and after-work. These are three of my key vaping moments that occur throughout my day. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over the morning craving. I think getting up in the morning just sucks period and I’ve always loved the instant awake provided by jolting the system with nicotine. Unfortunately, I’ve never been successful only having a morning cigarette or vape except for maybe when I first started.

I used nicotine free vaping to help me though all the cravings and it really helped. I know that it is just the placebo effect, but that effect is pretty powerful. I think the action of vaping mimic deep breathing so that probably assists with calming the craving.

Today I didn’t feel good like yesterday. In fact, my moods have been all over the place. Ranging from blah, to mildly irritable, to empty and right now mostly empty. I see people smoking and think, “I want one,” despite the fact that literally not 48 hours ago I was convinced I was done with smoking. And I am…but that is the power of this drug. I don’t really want a cigarette, I want the emptiness to go away. My addict brain is totally trying to rationalize using nicotine right now even though not 48 hours ago, nicotine was actually making me feel pretty crummy.

The empty feeling is the most dangerous. I think this is why smokers often gain weight when quitting. I could eat everything in sight right now. I’m limiting myself to things like vegetables, lest I want to gain a bunch of weight.

All and all, far less severe than the withdrawal symptoms I was experiencing when I closet smoked, the symptoms that led me to vaping. And the cravings are getting less intense.

I might have to exercise a bit more over the next few days to boost those feel good neurotransmitters because I think my swim yesterday is what helped quash my craving the best.

Day 2 isn’t over yet, but I know I can do this. Addict brain cannot win this time or rather I am more familiar with her moves now that I can do a better job countering them.


A reminder to myself

So I’m going on 20 hours without nicotine and I have to say I feel really good. When I got up at 5:30 am, the first thing I wanted to do is vape some nicotine so I could feel good again.  But I told myself not now, that I wasn’t going to vape first thing in the morning anymore. That I was going to wait until right before work in the morning.

I went swimming, like I often do in the morning. After my swim, I didn’t feel like vaping so I didn’t.

Went out for lunch like usual. Didn’t really feel like vaping so I didn’t. After work, I had the slightest automatic urge to vape in my car. Without the driver of physical withdrawal, it was easy to ignore.

Last time I tried quitting, I was sick so it was fairly easy because I didn’t feel like inhaling crap into my lungs. As soon as I was better, since I hadn’t fully committed to quit, relapse happened almost automatically.

I’m writing this post to remind myself that despite the fatigue I have right now from not being  stimulated, I still feel better today than I did yesterday. On the first day. My brain probably hasn’t even had a chance to start changing the levels of neurotransmitters. Perhaps it is easier this time because I was using so little nicotine. Regardless, I’m glad I got over the psychological humps I did this morning. It has given me the confidence that I can do this.

I think what got me through it was thinking to myself, “I’m not going to vape right now, I choose not to.” Planning a future vape time and then doing the same thing at that time. I carried my half full tank of 3 mg Bowden’s Mate around just in case. Tonight, I’m dumping it and will only carry tanks with 0 mg juice. I can do this.

12 hours Clean

So far the hardest craving to beat was the one when I first woke up. I haven’t craved nicotine since.

This might be easier than I thought it was going to be. I’m more alert, less tired and less anxious than I thought I would be. I was going to gradually reduce, but the game plan has changed. I’m going cold turkey.

Will keep you updated!

Almost Ready

Today, I purchased a couple of more nicotine free juices. Tomorrow, I start the process of weaning myself off nicotine. What changed since my last post? Not much really, but I feel like I’m ready to give nicotine up. Part of it was realizing that could still vape and that vaping nicotine free might actually be the best of both worlds. I find vaping 0 mg juice actually soothes my psychological cravings. So once I go through the temporary uncomfortableness of getting off nicotine, I should be able to just use vaping to my psychological cravings. In theory at least.

What is different this time from last? Last time, I was unsure about smoking. You might wonder what this has to do with vaping. Last time, I wasn’t sure if I was done with smoking. The cigarette I smoked, plus the few puffs off my friends solidified never wanting to smoke another cigarette again. I know that once I go  nicotine-free any dabbling with smoking will likely lead to a nicotine vaping relapse. Hopefully I can recall the discomfort of quitting and use that to stay quit.

My main motivation for quitting again is sleep quality. It was fine when I first started up again, but has steadily declined. Any benefit of nicotine during the day is not worth sacrificing sleep at night. I’m pretty sure lack of sufficient sleep is probably worse for me that the small amount of nicotine I’m consuming.

Anyhow, I will keep you updated as I progress. Already, I’ve consumed less over the past two days than I was last week.

Man Starts Smoking at 46

More on my experiences later, I found this article last night about this man who started smoking at 46 years old. He didn’t just start smoking though- I wanted to get up to a pack a day by the end of the month. People thought he was crazy. Hell, I sort of think he is crazy. But only sort of, because I can understand his curiosity. I admire him in a lot of ways, because I think if I ever tried a stunt like that I would not be able to quit after a month. 

I think his insight into the world of smoking is what makes this article so interesting to read. Especially for a non-smoker. He sort of taps into all the “why do people smoke?” questions that he had as a non-smoker while looking at them from the point of view of a smoker.

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