The article talks about why guilt based anti-smoking campaigns don’t work.
To quote the article:
The researchers suggest that when the emotion of guilt is activated, there can be a magnification of pleasure which derives from hedonic consumption, because there is a cognitive association between guilt and pleasure (Cho & Dar, 2015)
Perhaps this is why the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.
I still think anti-smoking campaigns are a large part of how my fetish developed. I mean there are the visual aspects that have been sexualized by society but aside from that I think the anti-smoking campaigns set smoking up as this terrible thing that you should never do and yet deep down it always seemed like it was something that I wanted to do.
But there might be something to this guilt thing as well. I haven’t quite figured out how it might be connected only that because smoking is vilified by society, it is only natural one might feel guilty doing it. I think this ties into my smoking fetish in the knowledge I’m doing something ‘bad’ and doing it anyways was always a turn-on for me.
I could get behind all of these except for one. One of the myths was that “Smoking is pleasurable” and the reasoning that it was a myth is that the pleasure stems from relieving withdrawal. While this is true once you are tolerant to the affect of nicotine, it discounts many other factors that many smokers would tell you they find pleasurable about smoking. Many smokers like the act of smoking itself.
It also seems to ignore the fact that prior to tolerance being developed to nicotine, smoking I would argue is intensely pleasurable. I mean, you’ve just flooded your brain with dopamine, the neurotransmitter of pleasure.
Sure, they’ve backed their mythbusting with research. But I think much of the research cited was very focused on the craving, which is yes, a huge factor but not the only factor that motivates people to smoke.
I don’t smoke anymore and I find cravings from vaping to be much less intense, especially now that I am down to 3 mg juice. If I were just vaping to relieve cravings, I would maybe vape 3 or 4 times a day. There are times when I vape, where I’m not relieving anything and I still find it pleasurable. It is the action that I find pleasant.
So one of the pipe and cigar blogs I follow posted the following ASMR pipe cleaning/smoking video. I clicked on it and watched a women speak in hushed tones cleaning her pipe and then smoking another for 25 minutes. As mentioned before in this blog, I have the attention span of a gnat so to watch something like this for 25 minutes straight is impressive. I can’t explain why I was so captivated. Was it ASMR? What is ASMR? I’m so confused. Okay, I’m not really confused, but you might be right now.
Here is the video in question:
Now before you start thinking this is some fetish thing, I had no sexual response to watching the video whatsoever. But I did feel really relaxed after, almost as if I had completed some sort of meditation. Which isn’t that surprising I guess, since I find the act of pipe smoking/cleaning very relaxing and somewhat meditative.
You might be wondering what ASMR is. I know I was. I had heard about it awhile back but I’m always the skeptic when it comes to stuff like this. ASMR stands for Autonomous sensory meridian response. Wikipedia describes it as: “a perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head, scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, or cognitive stimuli. The nature and classification of the ASMR phenomenon is controversial, with much anecdotal evidence of the phenomenon but little or no scientific explanation or verified data.”
When I first heard about this, I watched a trigger video (this is what people in the ASMR community call their videos) and nothing. Actually I don’t even think I made it through 30 seconds of one. But this was different. Maybe it is because I have such a psychological connection to smoking in the first place. Who knows? Was it ASMR? No idea, but I swear I felt a few tingles watching this. The sound quality is impeccable, because that is what they are trying to capture. You can hear everything perfectly and I think that is what makes it so pleasurable for me to watch.
You probably won’t be surprised that I watched her video on cigar smoking:
This one was more seductive and I found it doubly enjoyable to watch. And since I was on a roll, I watched this final one for the night. The last one was my favorite because I felt like she was letting me in on her own secret world.
Anyhow, I don’t know if I have experienced ASMR, but what I do know is I found these videos immensely pleasurable and relaxing to watch. I get why smoking would be a trigger for me so I’m not really surprised.
I guess I should warn people, watching these videos may trigger a desire to smoke a pipe or cigar. She does a good job of making these activities look immensely pleasurable.
I think I will just jump right in with Wednesday’s events since not much went on between yesterday and Sunday. Wednesday started out as a pretty shitty day. I am trying to arrange moving out of my sketchy apartment and the elevator for the new place I am moving into isn’t available on the weekend I was planning on moving, so change of plans, I’m moving this Saturday. It’s a long weekend here and I was planning on visiting family this weekend, but I guess that will have to wait. The boyfriend is pretty sad too, since he had been looking forward to getting away for awhile. I promise him that I will drive him down the following weekend. I go start packing as well as pick up some groceries for supper and general things to keep my mind off the fact that I still haven’t heard back from the job people. I bake a cheesecake and put some jerk chicken into the slow-cooker.
News of my job comes back around 2 pm. Alas, I am still unemployed. I’m sad, but life goes on. It’s my first e-mail job rejection, and I think I like it better than rejection by phone, which can be really awkward or rejection by regular mail which takes a lot longer. It is also better than the “let’s just not phone those that didn’t make the cut because we are cowards”.
I’m bummed, but I try not to be a downer after all we are taking a trip to the local tobacconist today. I go down to the best friend’s apartment and we drive to pick my boyfriend up. Best friend needs a pipe and we were going to be just looking. “Just looking” lasted about 5 minutes, when my boyfriend impulsively decides to buy us both pipes that we had been eyeing the last time we were in there. He says that he was probably going to get me mine anyways for Valentine’s Day (which we normally don’t really celebrate) and he says why wait until Monday. My new briar pipe is completely virgin, which means I’m going to have to take some time to break it in. Both my boyfriend’s and his friend’s new pipes are pre-carbonized which makes the process a little easier. We also pick up three new tobaccos and I think it might take us awhile to get through it all. I decide to stick with the tobacco I smoked last time, to see what the difference between smoking it in an virgin, non-caked pipe is like. The result- even only filling the pipe half-way I still have trouble smoking it down to an ash. The bottom of my bowl was almost wet, which is not good. The smoke was okay… not unpleasant, but certainly not the smooth, cool, sweet smoke of Sunday. I now see why briar pipes need a break-in period. I did some reading and found a good article on breaking in pipes. The bottom of the bowl is apparently the hardest place to form a cake as many pipe smokers don’t smoke their pipes all the way down to the bottom. So I found one method of breaking in that seems logical (unlike many of the methods). This method involves filling the bowl only a quarter of the way and smoking it to ash. Repeat 10-12 times until the bottom has a nice cake and then gradually add more and more tobacco until you reach a full bowl. Needless to say, this is going to take me awhile but I am going to be patient since part of pipe smoking is taking things slower. I think I will alternate between the corncob and my sexy new pipe so that I can keep this activity enjoyable. I actually like the challenge of break-in, but sometimes you just want to smoke a pipe.
What I did successfully do is not inhale! Yay! My boyfriend laughs at me and my “accidental inhaling”. Occasionally, what I do find with pipe smoking is that you will inhale some of the smoke you are blowing out just through normal action of breathing. But I didn’t inhale at all yesterday which was great. It also meant that I felt a heck of a lot better which is great.
After trying both a briar and corncob, I see why corncob pipes are recommended for beginners. They are very forgiving and smoke very well without any break in time. Plus, if user error causes you to trash your pipe, you didn’t spend very much on it. I think we all agreed on that fact despite all enjoying the “nicer look” of our new pipes. It’s interesting how each of us picked a pipe that really suited our personalities.
I also decided that pipes are definitely the “geeky” choice as far as ways to smoke tobacco. It isn’t so much that pipes are geeky but that it is the smoke of choice of many “geeky” types. This occurred to me as I watched some of YouTuber AmaneMisaMisa666 videos and checked out her deviant art gallery. I think I posted on her awhile back in Areas to Explore. What struck me as I browsed through her art is that we have very similar taste in books. Lord of the Rings, Wheel of Time Series as well as Twilight (my guilty pleasure) just to name a few. The common theme, ignoring Twilight of course, is that they are fantasy style books. What do people smoke in fantasy worlds? Why pipes of course. So I think the pipe has this sort of appeal to me as well. I noticed even on the YouTube biographies of many of the male pipe smoker’s videos I was watching there was this common theme.
In other news, I threw out all three packs of cigarettes I had been hanging onto for no apparent reason yesterday. I took one out of each pack, smelled them and held them in my hand one last time before giving them the toss. I doubt I will ever touch a cigarette again as I don’t foresee myself ever really wanting to anymore. My love affair with cigarettes is over. It made me sad back in September when I could tell that my relationship with cigarettes was coming to an end and I mourned a bit, but I think it is for the best. We really just weren’t right for each other. Sometimes fetish fantasy competes with reality. To become a full-fledged cigarette smoker like I wanted to in fantasy, would be to deny a large part of who I am, because even at the start of this blog I never did want to be a full-time every day smoker. I still don’t. But cigarettes demanded an everyday commitment from me, something I couldn’t give them. Pipe smoking still requires a lot commitment, but not all concentrated in the smoking department. Much of it is in the care of your pipes, cleaning them to ensure they don’t go rancid. I like this sort of fiddling. I think I will end this here. Until my next pipe smoking adventure, happy smoking!
Discovered the local tobacco shop and felt a little like I was stepping back in time. There was a distinct aroma graced the room, one that is rarely detected indoors anymore thanks to the smoking bans. It was clear that they did allow sampling here. I figure if we had our pipes on us, they might have given us a short lesson right then and there. Staff was very helpful in assisting my boyfriend and I pick out a couple of tobaccos, a czech pipe tool, some pipe cleaners and some matches. The tobacco smelled delicious, although I am aware that the flavour will be diffferent smoked.Not unlike tea which often tastes quite different from how it smells. Both tobaccos were store blends. One was a burley based tobacco called “Tolkien” and the other was a Cavendish called “East India Company”. They are both light aromatics from what I can tell.
I also found what I am pretty sure will be my next pipe, provided I stick with this hobby. It is a Butz-Choquin Ladies Churchwarden with a green bowl and a black stem. Very chic, and very feminine which is what I am looking for, although I doubt many will see me smoke said pipe. I also read up on the company and they are known to make quality pipes, which is good too. The bowl is smaller, which I am not sure is good or bad yet.
My boyfriend is showing much interest as well. He almost walked out of the pipe shop with a White Wizard Lord of The Rings replica white ash wood pipe. He wanted to smoke our pipes right away today, but we decided we would wait like good friends for his best friend to join us since he is just as excited as we are. What is interesting is that both my boyfriend’s friend and my boyfriend have told me it is hot that I am going to smoke a pipe. I doubt either of them have a smoking fetish per se, at least I know my boyfriend does not. My boyfriend explained his reasoning as it is something that you don’t often see women do and that it takes so much time and effort to both smoke pipes, but also learn how to do makes it more attractive to him than cigarette smoking or cigar smoking. Apparently wanting to take up pipe smoking makes me, “the coolest girlfriend ever.” I’ll try not to let that go to my head.
February 7, 2010
D-day or as I will call this day: the day of gluttony. I normally eat pretty healthy so my body is really going to hate me after today. I started the day with three cookies for breakfast and didn’t eat better for the rest of the day. I have ended it with a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. The boyfriend’s best friend was coming over at 6:30 for supper and our first foray into pipe smoking. After tonight, I know that the best friend knows about my fetish because he drops some hints. But surprisingly, I’m actually okay with the fact that he knows. We eat dinner and quickly get down to the business of packing the pipe. Three novices having read and watched some YouTube videos pack two pipes. We did a decent job since the one my boyfriend packed managed to stay lit the whole time. I think mine was packed a bit too tight or I didn’t get a great light off the start.
Its winter here which means it is a tad cold and windy. We actually head into the heated storage room to get the pipes lit as we can’t even keep a match lit on the balcony. This was the start of 45 minutes of pure pleasure. Cigarette smoking was only okay compared to the pipe. Seriously. With the cigarette, the experience is over in about 5-10 minutes, which is I guess why you want to do it again so soon after finishing. I found when I smoked cigarettes, I would want puff more on the cigarette but couldn’t due to my low tolerance. So then my FSC cigarette would go out and I’d have to light it again. With the pipe, even smoking slow enough to not get tongue bite I always felt occupied. The craziest thing was something really unexpected that both myself and my boyfriend’s best friend discovered by accident. Pipe smoke is ridiculously easy to inhale. I wasn’t trying to inhale, honest. It just happened. I think it was because the particular blend I was smoking was light, cool and quite delicious tasting. I wouldn’t call it sweet, but you could definitely taste the Cavendish tobacco in it and it had sweet notes to it. Certainly not sickly sweet like the Peach Primetimes, which in retrospect are crap compared to what I smoked tonight. Here is the advice I would give to anyone: if you don’t like the taste of tobacco, just because pipe smoke smells more delicious doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still taste like tobacco. But for me- the difference between pipe tobacco and smoking a cigarette or machine rolled cigar is that the body of flavours was much more complex. The blend my boyfriend was smoking was less sweet and his best friend said it tasted more like what a hand-rolled cigar tastes like. Still good, but I liked the one I was smoking better.
Was I turned on by smoking the pipe? Yes, in a way. It is hard to explain. I guess this really shows how powerful my fetish for smoke really is. My sex drive fluctuates with my hormones and it happens to be pretty low or almost non-existant at the moment. Smoking a pipe still made me extremely wet, despite feeling almost no sexual desire tonight. So am a freak… but I’m okay with that. My boyfriend smiled and said “That’s convenient.” I asked him if he thought I looked sexy smoking a pipe and he said yes, which made me happy. I’m not sure why I am so concerned about how I looked to him, but alas I was. At one point while he was smoking his pipe the way he was letting the smoke drift out of his mouth was really sexy. His best friend said I looked like I would have jumped him right then and there.
All three of us were pretty buzzed after a bowl, even though that is totally not what I was looking for in this experience. It actually surprised me how buzzed, I really wasn’t expecting it. At first my boyfriend didn’t know if he was because he had never felt a nicotine buzz before. But he was like, “I feel kind of jittery and really alert” and his friend and I are like, “Yep, buzzed.” I’m really going to try not to accidently inhale next time because I felt a twinge nauseous after. Afterward, my boyfriend said to me, “Yeah, we probably shouldn’t do that everyday… maybe once or twice a week.” He loved it and so did I. He already wants me to pick up a couple more tobaccos which I thought was cute. I will probably go with his best friend on Wednesday to look at pipes, get a couple of new tobaccos since half ounces are not too expensive.
It is looking like it is probably something I will stick with since I really enjoy it. I think pipe smoking is one of those highly underrated activities. What I loved most about it was the action of doing it. I just loved taking little sips of smoke from my pipe and letting the smoke roll around in my mouth before I would lazily let it drift out. I’ve never been a fan of watching people do tricks like smoke rings, but pipe smoking makes me want to try to learn because I had a lot of fun just playing with the smoke. My pipe smoking adventure is likely to continue on Wednesday. Until then, happy smoking everyone.
I took advantage of the good properties of nicotine this weekend. I’m actually kicking myself for chickening out and not doing so earlier in the weekend. I unwrapped the pack on Saturday but a combination of procrastination and unwillingness to leave my house resulted in no cigarettes smoked. Consequently, I actually didn’t get that much studying done, because at home there are far too many distractions for someone that has borderline ADHD.
Sunday, I left my house as I was in desperate need of a locale change in order to get anything done. I moved myself toward the University. I was actually going to study outside so that I could smoke whenever I felt like it, but the rain drove me inside. Around 3:30 pm I started to get antsy and decided, although slightly apprehensively, what the hell. By now it had stopped raining but all the benches were wet. I wiped a picnic table off with the sarong I brought with me when it had been warm enough to study outside. I have to admit, I was a bit nervous. Probably because 1) I was at the university (What if someone sees me? gasp!) , 2) The past few times have made me sick and 3) I was smoking an unknown cigarette. I sat for a bit, reading my book and finally decided to go through with it. As it was windy, it took me a few tries to get the thing lit. The nervousness definitely took away from the experience. I took it pretty slow and only took about four decent size drags on the cigarette. Probably the perfect amount as I felt alert, but not dizzy or nauseous. I went back to the library and studied for another couple hours.
Today, I decided might as well take advantage of these magical concentration properties from the get go. I walked myself to the quiet picnic tables I smoked at yesterday and didn’t even hesitate. Because I was less nervous, the cigarette was much more enjoyable. Also, yesterday I hardly noticed the way these cigarettes tasted. Today, I noticed that they are really mentholated. So much so I could barely taste the tobacco. But then thinking back- I am pretty sure that what I was noticing is the difference between a fresh menthol cigarette and a stale one. I did pick out different cigarettes than last time. They were Craven ‘A’ Menthols, King Size. Far less aesthetically pleasing as a cigarette, but actually quite enjoyable to smoke. They are quite a bit fatter than the B&H’s and of course shorter than the 100s. I actually find the shorter length less intimidating. I’m sort of a completionist, and I think that is what got me in trouble with the B&H’s. I kept trying to smoke the whole thing when I was probably “done” about half way through. I had a second one around 3:30 with some tea. It was also enjoyable. I almost had a third one before I went home, but decided I would just be smoking one because I could, not because I actually wanted one.
But all and all… three good experiences with smoking in a row. Now, hopefully I pass my midterm tomorrow.
I was composing a whole post on making choices and morality, but for some reason it did not feel right to me so I scrapped the whole thing. I found my old journal that actually documents a little of my first experiences with smoking. I thought it was long lost. I was actually once again surprised at how guarded I was in my writing. Maybe I was still scared that someone would find it and read it. Maybe I was scared that writing it down would make things more real.
From even before I bought my first pack, having inhaled maybe about a cigarette’s worth of puff’s off of my friend’s cigarettes I was having thoughts like this:
I don’t know why, but right now I really want a cigarette. From the way I want one, you would never guess that I don’t smoke.
These thoughts perplexed me… even then.
Later, after I had purchased my first pack I actually said the following which I thought was quite profound for an 18 year old:
I live in a world of doublethink- where I think two contradicting thoughts at the same time and believe them both. Smoking is so bad for me, I don’t really like doing it, but at the same time I do. My favourite part has to be watching the smoke come out of my mouth… and it has to be smoke that I have inhaled or it does not look right.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term ‘doublethink’, it comes from George Orwell’s book, 1984 and I have given the most simple definition of it above (bolded part). I remember reading the book and thinking it was a really clever term since it applies to many things in life.
My thoughts regarding smoking often contradict themselves as I noticed many years ago. Although I do not think I hate smoking as much as I did then, perhaps because I’m getting more accustomed to it and perhaps because I have found a brand that I like. But there is still a lot of contradiction going on in my head… although I’m not sure that is it textbook “doublethink” or exactly like what is presented in 1984- but similar.
I’ve deemed this a “smoking week” as I actually have time to indulge and it is getting warmer out. I am getting bolder with my smoking in the sense that I am not as careful as I used to be. Yesterday, I smoked in the backyard shelter as I knew no one would be home for awhile. Today, I “went for tea” which meant I went for a smoke, picked up my tea and headed home right away even though there was a good chance that my roommate would smell it on me. Maybe I want someone to catch me… although I’m not sure what I would say if they did. I like to think I would be bold and say- “so what, it is not like it is illegal?” But I would probably act just like a teenager caught red handed by their parents.
At this point, I don’t feel like I am going to regret my decision to smoke. I’m actually the most at peace I have been for awhile. I never thought I would say that since I always thought that smoking would throw my life into upheaval- but I think, like with everything else in life, there is peace in balance. Maybe it is doublethink at work and I’m now living a life of “controlled insanity”. I’ll take the controlled insanity, if it gives me peace.
Not that I was actually fasting… but I smoked today and it was glorious. There is something to be said about above zero (32 F) weather. Much easier to suck the smoke into your lungs when you are not inhaling -10 to -15 °C ( 14 to 5 F) into your lungs. Also nice to not be shivering. Lately, I had not really wanted to smoke much, so I didn’t. I figure no point in doing something unless you actually feel like doing it. I know there is some danger in that, since then I start to associate certain moods, thoughts and cravings with smoking, which increases the likelihood of repeating these actions in the future. That said, I’m not sure I really care anymore. I guess I should tell the story behind this cigarette, since although I was solitary again, I did something I have never done before. I actually smoked in my backyard.
Conditions like what I had tonight will be rare, so do not think that I am going to be sneaking out to my backyard for cigarettes all the time. Two of my roommates were gone for the whole weekend and one went out to the bar. To be perfectly honest- I had kind of a shit day. I got home from having supper at a friends and decided to take a bath because that is generally what I do when I feel like I do today. The bath made me feel a lot better, and when I came out of the bathroom, my roommate and her boyfriend were just finishing off their beers on the way out the door. They informed me that they were off to some bar… and this is when the wheels in my head started turning. I didn’t feel like driving somewhere to smoke and suddenly the opportunity to not leave my own yard presented itself and I simply had to take it.
I waited for about a half hour before I went. I didn’t want them to come back having forgot something… although now that I think about it, I’m not sure they would have noticed me. I retrieved a cigarette from the hiding place from my car and found an old concentrate juice can to put my ashes in. Not that anyone would go specifically to the place in my yard where I smoked and notice the ashes in the snow- but I’d prefer not to leave a trace. I had forgotten that we moved the picnic table to the sheltered area in my backyard and was pleasantly surprised to find it snow free. Plus- I noticed when I sat down at the table, the place really was sheltered- I could barely see the street or alley. Passers by would probably only see the puffs of smoke coming from me. I took it pretty easy, since I haven’t smoked in almost a month, but found that although I was lightheaded again, I didn’t become nauseous. There was something really enjoyable about smoking right in my own backyard. I’m not sure what it was…
And somewhat unrelated, I thought this post on the Twilight cast (or I guess it would be New Moon cast) smoking caught my eye. It is so funny because if you go to this site and read all the comments at the bottom- they are funny. I’m not sure why everyone is so surprised that all these actors smoke. I mean, it is practically an occupational hazard as an actor. I know they can smoke the fake herbal cigarettes that apparently can taste gross if they want to for movies, but I don’t know- and I’m super biased- but if I am going to suck carcinogenic smoke into my lungs, I might as well have the nicotine too. Plus- people get all worked up and say “teenage girls look up to them, how can they smoke?” Since when are actors and actresses our role models? The last time I checked- if I were to take a page out of Lindsay Lohan’s book I would be in rehab for a coke addiction by now. Granted, society is influenced by them- but they are entertainers, not people to look up to for lessons on how to live life. Just my take, and I will admit I have an extreme bias that sways me toward being okay with it mainly because I love the reaction that people have to it. And for the record- I did not try or start smoking because I saw “Bella” aka Kristin Stewart or “Edward” aka Robert Pattinson light up. I just think they are both incredibly sexy when they do.
I feel like I should explain the Twilight thing, since I am clearly not a teenage girl. I got addicted to Twilight this summer. When I say addicted, I mean addicted. Seriously. The books are like crack or heroin. Far more addictive than cigarettes. They should have a giant warning label on them. I spent the better part of one week reading all four books. I think I would have read them faster if it were not for actually having to socialize with people. And when I was done- I re-read them and then got the book tapes and listened to them. The thing is- the books are totally captivating, but complete cheese. Yep- I said it. Cleolinda says it better in her blog when she compares it to a twinkie. You know they are bad for you, but when you want a twinkie, you gotta have a twinkie. The movie kind of made me snap out of it because it really made me realize just how cheesy Twilight is. I really liked the books as great escapist reads, but the movie was pure comedy to me. I think my stomach was sore from laughing so hard. So I kind of can’t wait to see what they do with New Moon- I wonder if the most depressing book in the series can be made into a comedy. I wonder.
I’ve been trying to work out how to confess to my significant other that I not only have spent the past week smoking, behind his and everyone elses back but that I have absolutely no desire to stop. I’m forcing myself to stop smoking until I tell him. Why? Because this is the only thing I can think of that will give me sufficient motivation to tell him. I almost told him last night. The conversation was not quite serious enough though and all I got out was that I really like inhaling smoke. I got him to agree to go to a hookah bar with me and it scared me a little that he was even resistant to that. Despite all of the smoking bans, hookah bars are still allowed to have smoking for cultural reasons as long as the shisha is tobacco free. I think this is funny seeing as it is still smoking and undoubtedly just as bad for you, just not addictive. Plus- for the most part I do not think you inhale the smoke… I’ve gone off on a tangent.
Anyhow- now that I am no longer permitting myself to smoke, I want to that much more. The forbidden fruit factor I guess. I mean it was still forbidden when I was doing it, only now it is more forbidden since I am no longer permitting myself to do it. I’m not sure that makes any sense. The past seven days are the longest stretch of continuous smoking I have ever done. Sure I missed two days, but I almost smoked every day last week. It was the first time I actually felt like a smoker. It was the first time that even in my mind I identified myself as such. As odd as it might sound, I even liked the way it made me smell- a smell I previously detested on others. My last cigarette I even postponed washing my hand for as long as I could because I liked occasionally smelling it. Last night, thinking about never doing it again made me really sad. I think that if (or should I say…when?) I give myself permission to indulge at will, I still I have little desire to become a heavy smoker. I enjoy my active lifestyle and will continue to do all the things I did before. This of course will not happen until I tell my boyfriend and I still feel that he is the only one who needs to know about my smoking.
How do I bring this up? Do I take my pack out of my hiding spot in my truck and show him? How do I tell him that although I am a perfectly intelligent, normally rational personal, I have this one desire that is not based in reason? I consider myself to be a perfectly intelligent human being. How do I explain to him that in my mind, the benefits outweigh the risks when he only see it as being self-destructive? I mean it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I have this desire to something that I know is bad for me and that part of the reason I enjoy doing it so much is because it is bad for me. The other side of why I want to do it has to with my sexuality and how smoking has somehow, even without me actively doing it has become intrinsically tied to my sexual being. I was reading my earlier blog posts and never when I started this blog in November would I have thought that this is where my journey would take me. I feel so much less repressed now and I feel like “coming out” or coming completely clean about my desire and intent to smoke to my boyfriend is the last step. I think the reason why I am so hesitant is because I am scared it will destroy the relationship. Maybe it will be destroyed because I have not been completely honest. Almost more scary for me- I’m scared he will reject me because of it and I think that it is such a big deal because of what it means to me. Smoking is not just smoking for me. It is not about the nicotine, although I do enjoy the effects. I can tell there is no physical draw for me yet, at least not from nicotine. If it was about the nicotine, I could go out and buy myself some gum or lozenges or even smokeless tobacco. Starting smoking for me is probably as big of a deal for me as quitting smoking is to people.
As crazy as it may sound, I think that my desire to smoke and by extension any smoking I do are part of who I am. And I guess I am scared of having this side of my personality revealed and potentially rejected. Although I have been hiding the fetish from my significant other for almost four years now, it is only in the past six months that I have really come to terms with actually having the fetish and what that means.
I’m still not sure how I am going to tell him, I only know that must tell him because of what smoking means to me. I feel like everytime I smoke, it is like I am cheating on him with my other lover since in many ways, smoking is my other lover. I really do not want to have to pick between the two which I think is why I am so hesitant to talk to him about it. But I cannot keep sneaking around like this. The guilt of that will kill me quicker than any of the poisons I willfully inhale.