Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Feeling like myself again

Other than a pretty intense craving post lunch yesterday, I felt like my non-nicotine dependant self again later yesterday and all day today.

I read somewhere that green tea was good for people quitting and drank a significant amount yesterday and a bit today. It seemed to given me the alert calm my body and mind were looking for.

It is almost like all the bad stuff (withdrawal) didn’t happen. Which I swear sets my brain up to smoke again in the future.

Until then, I’ll enjoy the peace of not needing to smoke. I suspect if I had smoked regularly as a younger person, by brain would like nicotine normal better. But I definitely prefer how I feel without…

Until my next smoking adventure…


9 years…wow!

So WordPress just notified me that it has been 9 years since I first started writing my blog.

Thanks to all of you that have been following me over the years…it seems like yesterday to me that I was deciding to document all my feeling since I felt fairly alone.

The internet is an amazing place that has allowed me to connect with others that were going through the same thing. I owe my peace of mind to the people that commented and others I’ve met along the way that have helped me get here.

Thanks again and here is to many more years blogging!

Challenge Day 1: Places that make me feel whole

So in the interest of branching out, not sounding like a broken record and maybe even for those of you that have been reading awhile to get to know me better, I’m going to blog on a different pre-chosen topic everyday. There are lots of these sorts of challenges out there, but I didn’t love all the questions in any of them so I made my own out of a combination of websites. I created a page with the topics and links to each of these posts.

Today’s question was: Name three places that make you feel whole.

This is a tough question for me because in spite of a few insecurities I have, I almost always feel whole. I feel whole whenever I’m not on autopilot. So the where is anytime I’m being present, I feel whole.

I’m going to unpack that a bit further because I have a feeling that isn’t a super satisfying answer.

The place I feel the most present in my life and thus the most whole is outside in nature.


This one of many pictures taken by me on the many walks I take with my dog during the week. Nothing makes me feel more present, more whole or more alive than going for these walks.


The mountains aren’t near my house, but I love hiking in the mountains. I love the stillness of nature, the sounds and of course the sights. Being in nature fills me with awe, something going to church never did.


I picked three pictures to represent three places, but really there aren’t only three. I bring my wholeness with me.

I’m also going to pick a different meditation to do each day. Today I chose Blue Sky- Meditation for Inner Stillness and Silence. I thought it fit with the theme of this post as well. I liked this one. I find using visualizations during meditation helps me focus and also helps bring me back when my mind wanders.

I found that focusing on self-care rather than the anxiety I’m feeling at times is more helpful than obsessing about feeling anxious. I find that meditation is often the best way to do this.

I’ve started exercising more regularly again as well which helps keeps the moods up as well. My friend asked me to do a 10 km race with her and I thought what better way to motivate myself to get back into running. I completed day 14 of my program today and was happy to see my running fitness is quickly returning.

Technically, it is a half-marathon training program, however there are built in 5 km and 10 km race days so my plan is to do the plan up to the 10 km race day and then maybe continue on. I like the half-marathon distance. It is sufficiently challenging without your life becoming only about running. This is the first time I’ve followed a training program that does time rather than distance and I’m liking it.

Until tomorrow…

Peace at last?

I pose that as a question, because I know, as with past experience, there will come a time when I will need to explore this side of myself again. Which side you might ask? The smoking side… What has changed is that the two sides of myself are no longer doing battle. They have drawn up a sort of a truce- where neither one is being suppressed. Suppressing the desire, only made me want to smoke more. There is no peace in that. I constantly feared that I would become hopelessly addicted if I yielded to that side of myself, but I know now those fears were unfounded. Sure, I took a chance, I played with fire- but I discovered something about myself that I might have never discovered had I not taken the risk.

I discovered that I am far more enamored with the fantasy of smoking, than I am with actually doing it. I enjoy doing it while I am doing it- but more often than not I end up making myself sick. The problem is- it is fairly unpredictable. It is not like at the beginning where the affects of smoking overwhelmed me and I could sort of tell when I had pushed myself over the edge. Now- I can smoke a whole cigarette, feel perfectly fine and dandy while doing it and almost an hour or half hour later a wave of nausea will hit and bam I’m sick. It is awful, because I can’t predict it at all. At least at the beginning when I would overdo it, I felt it right away. I used to want to conquer smoking, but I have realized that to do so, I have to become a full-fledged smoker. To do that- I have to endure nausea, which is probably one of my most hated feelings in the world.

To cut a long-story short- I always said that if smoking ceased to be pleasurable, I would stop doing it because if I am not getting any pleasure out of it, what is the point? At this point in my life, I am not willing to make the sacrifices needed to become a full-fledged smoker. I’m not going to stop myself from smoking if the want ever arises again. If anything, I have found that just makes me want it more. But for now, I’m not sure I will finish the last 10 cigarettes in my pack. I was thinking of telling my boyfriend about the past few months of smoking and then destroying the remains of the pack together. But as sick as the cigarettes make me, I think I might hang on to this pack as a souvenir of sorts of this time in my life… I think I am almost too emotionally attached to destroy them, but I don’t have much, if any, desire to smoke them either. I’ve pretty much decided that if I smoke again, I want a new pack as this one is far too old.

I have gained so much over the past couple of months-and I want to thank all of you who have contributed. I never thought that giving into my desire would be the answer. Thanks for helping me wade through the various facets of both my desire to smoke and my fetish. This is not really goodbye, as I am sure that I will have more smoking related things to talk about, not to mention I’m not sure the desire to smoke has left me forever. But in some ways, I do feel like I have a bit of closure. So I guess you could say- I have peace… for now.

Just Over Half Way…

As of a couple of days ago, I think it would have been either Wednesday or Thursday, I made it through half a pack of cigarettes. It only took me, I don’t know, two and half months. I have 11 left now and there were 25 to begin with. I was going to have one today- but right now I don’t feel like it and honestly, something I have learned through the last 14 cigarettes- no point in smoking when you do not feel like it. The experience is not nearly as good when you aren’t into it. And I find I rush it when I’m not really into it- which tends to make the cigarette even worse. There is nothing worse than a rushed cigarette.

I did this silly Facebook quiz to say what my “true age” was- but I had trouble filling in sort of the categories. The questions on smoking were either: do you smoke more than two packs a day or less than two packs a day or you have quit but it has been less than 5 years or more than 5 years since you quit or you have never smoked. Now I could say that I smoke less than two packs a day- but honestly that puts me in the same category as someone who smokes 20X what I do. I am well aware that any smoking is bad, but seriously- there was no room for any sort of “occasionally” gray area. The drinking question was not much better. You either drink one, two, three, four, five or more, or no drinks a day. Where is the answer for number of drinks in a week? I don’t drink every day, sometimes not even at all during a week. When I do drink it is usually on the weekend.

Anyhow, the reason why I was posting is because I haven’t really decided what I will do when the pack is finished. I think I’m just going to take things as they come. If I want more, I’ll buy more- but if I don’t, no need to spend money on something I that don’t want. I have a feeling that even if I do not want more right away, I will eventually want more and will eventually buy another pack.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have smoked all 14 cigarettes- for most people getting through a pack probably does not represent much of a feat. But considering how long I agonized over the decision, it is a big deal to me. And the world has not imploded like I once thought it would… and the most surprising thing to come from all of this, as I mentioned in my last post, is peace. My mind can finally rest and worry about more important things- like lesson planning, which I actually enjoy doing.

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