When I was doing a google search for who knows what (something cigarette related probably) this blog entry came up and I thought I would share it with you. Just from the comments on this blog- women sharing this fascination seem to be much lower in numbers than men. So I always get really excited when I come across other women who seem to share even a hint my neuroses / fascination with smoking. This girl sounds a lot like me before I decided to give in and buy cigarettes. I’m not sure if she ever did, but I love the way she describes how much smelling or tasting cigarette smoke on her lover’s breath turns her on. I think the old movies are some of the best for the very reasons she describes.
As far as me… well the fantasies have not ceased. I actually gave in and bought fresh cigarettes, but I’m not sure what I will do with them. (haha- spare me the “Duh! Smoke them of course!”) They are still wrapped in their cellophane which is uncommon for me. I usually buy them when I am jonesing for one the most. But I have found that my anxiety with purchasing them is way down now so I no longer need the motivation of actually wanting to smoke them right away to get me to buy them. When I bought them- I had elaborate plans of smoking them during my breaks at school. The thing is- I’m still not at a place where I am confident enough to not care about the potential of getting caught by someone I know. Further, I am scared about getting addicted probably because I am not sure I actually want to be a full-time smoker. And lastly, because I’ve made myself sick so many times… the thought of actually smoking versus imagined smoking (which still turns me on) actually makes my stomach turn. Not because I am grossed out by the prospect. Smoking is still very attractive to me, but I think it is the anticipation of the nausea. I can’t eat Jell-o for the same reason. I used to really like it but I spent two-weeks in the hospital on a liquid diet, most of the time feeling too nauseous to eat and they would force me to try eating the Jell-O and I would grudgingly have a few mouthfuls and promptly it would come back the other way. Now just the thought of Jell-O makes me nauseous.
I am, however, doing something I have never done before and that is carry the cigarettes around on me. They are sitting wrapped up in their cello in my bag- with a couple of lighters. I’m not sure why I decided that is where I want to keep them since I usually hide them away. At this point, I’m not sure I’ll be able to get past my aversion to get to the smoking point. Well now that I re-read that… I think that if the circumstances are right I will get past the aversion. And maybe that is partially why I want to keep them on me. So I am ready whenever that happens to be.
On a slightly unrelated topic… all the talk about pipes and hookahs in the comments on the last post actually makes me really want to go to a hookah bar. Of course- here the shisha must be tobacco free because of the laws. They still allow the smoking of herbal non-tobacco blends though. I’m trying to convince my boyfriend to come with me. And he has agreed… but who knows when I will drag him there. He agreed to try sushi and then proceeded to stall for a year. Hopefully I can get him to come to the hookah bar before the end of the summer. And with that… time to attend to more domestic matters such as laundry and studying. Sigh.