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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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nausea

Still under wraps…

When I was doing a google search for who knows what (something cigarette related probably) this blog entry came up and I thought I would share it with you. Just from the comments on this blog- women sharing this fascination seem to be much lower in numbers than men. So I always get really excited when I come across other women who seem to share even a hint my neuroses / fascination with smoking. This girl sounds a lot like me before I decided to give in and buy cigarettes. I’m not sure if she ever did, but I love the way she describes how much smelling or tasting cigarette smoke on her lover’s breath turns her on. I think the old movies are some of the best for the very reasons she describes.

As far as me… well the fantasies have not ceased. I actually gave in and bought fresh cigarettes, but I’m not sure what I will do with them. (haha- spare me the “Duh! Smoke them of course!”) They are still wrapped in their cellophane which is uncommon for me. I usually buy them when I am jonesing for one the most. But I have found that my anxiety with purchasing them is way down now so I no longer need the motivation of actually wanting to smoke them right away to get me to buy them. When I bought them- I had elaborate plans of smoking them during my breaks at school. The thing is- I’m still not at a place where I am confident enough to not care about the potential of getting caught by someone I know. Further, I am scared about getting addicted probably because I am not sure I actually want to be a full-time smoker. And lastly, because I’ve made myself sick so many times… the thought of actually smoking versus imagined smoking (which still turns me on) actually makes my stomach turn. Not because I am grossed out by the prospect. Smoking is still very attractive to me, but I think it is the anticipation of the nausea. I can’t eat Jell-o for the same reason. I used to really like it but I spent two-weeks in the hospital on a liquid diet, most of the time feeling too nauseous to eat and they would force me to try eating the Jell-O and I would grudgingly have a few mouthfuls and promptly it would come back the other way. Now just the thought of Jell-O makes me nauseous.

I am, however, doing something I have never done before and that is carry the cigarettes around on me. They are sitting wrapped up in their cello in my bag- with a couple of lighters. I’m not sure why I decided that is where I want to keep them since I usually hide them away. At this point, I’m not sure I’ll be able to get past my aversion to get to the smoking point. Well now that I re-read that… I think that if the circumstances are right I will get past the aversion. And maybe that is partially why I want to keep them on me. So I am ready whenever that happens to be.

On a slightly unrelated topic… all the talk about pipes and hookahs in the comments on the last post actually makes me really want to go to a hookah bar. Of course- here the shisha must be tobacco free because of the laws. They still allow the smoking of herbal non-tobacco blends though. I’m trying to convince my boyfriend to come with me. And he has agreed… but who knows when I will drag him there. He agreed to try sushi and then proceeded to stall for a year. Hopefully I can get him to come to the hookah bar before the end of the summer.  And with that… time to attend to more domestic matters such as laundry and studying. Sigh.

Peace at last?

I pose that as a question, because I know, as with past experience, there will come a time when I will need to explore this side of myself again. Which side you might ask? The smoking side… What has changed is that the two sides of myself are no longer doing battle. They have drawn up a sort of a truce- where neither one is being suppressed. Suppressing the desire, only made me want to smoke more. There is no peace in that. I constantly feared that I would become hopelessly addicted if I yielded to that side of myself, but I know now those fears were unfounded. Sure, I took a chance, I played with fire- but I discovered something about myself that I might have never discovered had I not taken the risk.

I discovered that I am far more enamored with the fantasy of smoking, than I am with actually doing it. I enjoy doing it while I am doing it- but more often than not I end up making myself sick. The problem is- it is fairly unpredictable. It is not like at the beginning where the affects of smoking overwhelmed me and I could sort of tell when I had pushed myself over the edge. Now- I can smoke a whole cigarette, feel perfectly fine and dandy while doing it and almost an hour or half hour later a wave of nausea will hit and bam I’m sick. It is awful, because I can’t predict it at all. At least at the beginning when I would overdo it, I felt it right away. I used to want to conquer smoking, but I have realized that to do so, I have to become a full-fledged smoker. To do that- I have to endure nausea, which is probably one of my most hated feelings in the world.

To cut a long-story short- I always said that if smoking ceased to be pleasurable, I would stop doing it because if I am not getting any pleasure out of it, what is the point? At this point in my life, I am not willing to make the sacrifices needed to become a full-fledged smoker. I’m not going to stop myself from smoking if the want ever arises again. If anything, I have found that just makes me want it more. But for now, I’m not sure I will finish the last 10 cigarettes in my pack. I was thinking of telling my boyfriend about the past few months of smoking and then destroying the remains of the pack together. But as sick as the cigarettes make me, I think I might hang on to this pack as a souvenir of sorts of this time in my life… I think I am almost too emotionally attached to destroy them, but I don’t have much, if any, desire to smoke them either. I’ve pretty much decided that if I smoke again, I want a new pack as this one is far too old.

I have gained so much over the past couple of months-and I want to thank all of you who have contributed. I never thought that giving into my desire would be the answer. Thanks for helping me wade through the various facets of both my desire to smoke and my fetish. This is not really goodbye, as I am sure that I will have more smoking related things to talk about, not to mention I’m not sure the desire to smoke has left me forever. But in some ways, I do feel like I have a bit of closure. So I guess you could say- I have peace… for now.

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