Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Challenge Day 12: I accept me

What do you wish people just accepted about you?

Nothing. It isn’t other people’s job to accept me. I spent a lot of time and energy in my younger years (and even a bit in the not so distant past) worrying about what others think. I’ve surrounded myself with people that love and accept me for who I am and things that they don’t accept about me are likely things I need to work on. Like my borderline hoarding tendencies. My husband accepts this about me, but I don’t want to be resigned to accept this about myself. It is something I’m working on.

I used to want people to accept me as a smoker/vaper. But it turns out they did and the only person that was having trouble accepting that reality was me.

Over the past few months, I’ve felt more OK with who I am than I have ever. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. But quitting nicotine has kick started the motivation to change other things in my life.

Speaking of the my hoarder-esk traits, my husband and I were having trouble deciding what to eat tonight and we ended up looking in our deep freeze, which consequently, was in dire need of a defrost. An hour later, we had cleaned out the Fridge, fridge freezer and relocated all the food we wanted to keep frozen that was in the deep freeze to the fridge freezer. As a result, I know exactly what I’m making/eating for the next week as well as tonight. My next challenge might be 30 days no eating out. I’m liking these 30 day challenges as I find my tendency is to keep up with it after it is up if it is something I actually want to change about my life.

Meditation: Awareness Meditation


Do you really hate it?

Although you, as readers, have seen me waffle between extremes I really do feel like I have made progress. I no longer feel guilty or wrong for my fetish. It simply is and in many ways although I do not completely understand it yet, I understand it far more than I did before. This understanding is what helps me feel okay with it. I’m glad this process led me to be more honest with my partner. We are closer than ever before.

I also have discovered much about myself in regards to my desire to smoke. I am glad I indulged myself in this area because although I never did complete the transformation, I have a better idea of what it might be like to smoke all the time. I’m no longer as curious about it, nor do I feel anxiety about my desire to smoke. The desire simply is and it comes and goes. At this point in my life, I’m not ready to fully surrender myself to smoking and I think that surrender is necessary to truly enjoy smoking to its fullest. Being constantly worried about whether or not I am addicted and the anxiety from not smoking when my brain was telling me I should is not worth it. I realize, for me, I either will have to commit entirely to being a smoker or not smoke. While there is a lot I love about smoking, while I was smoking I realized that there was much I enjoyed about not smoking. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. When I am smoking, I always wonder what it feels like to not be smoking and vice versa. It is really weird, but having this understanding helps me appreciate each state for what they are.

I think the reason why my anxiety for purchasing cigarettes is gone is because I have finally untrained all those year of PSA brainwashing. I call it that because I was taught to fear cigarettes and smokers, a fear that I think only heightened my fetish. My fear was irrational before and not healthy. My fetish exists because smoking is taboo. It will continue to exist as long as society deems it to be taboo, which will probably be for a long time now. For now, I am happy not smoking. For all I know, in two months I will be hit with cravings like the ones that I had at the end of April.

Through the course of my experimentation, I began to question smokers who say they hate smoking. I happen to like smoking, and while I have never been completely addicted or had my smoking become habitual, I’m fairly certain I have gone through physical withdrawal. It sucked, I will not even lie to you. I think if someone truly hates smoking that should be enough to get you through the process of quitting. I understand the hold nicotine can have, not being able to concentrate, the anxiety, the depression when the lovely drug stops coursing through your veins. The first week really sucks- for me I felt really empty inside. But all that passes and within a week or two… you’ll be fine. That’s why I think that people who say they hate smoking but cannot quit, really do not hate smoking that much. If they hated smoking that much, one or two weeks of suffering would be worth it, would it not? Maybe I do not understand, and really I do not presume to understand what it would be like to quit something that has become so enmeshed in one’s life. But I guess it bugs me that they might not be completely honest with themselves or others. And would it not be better and healthier for them psychologically to accept the fact that they do enjoy it?

I think you have to understand completely your motivation to smoke if you are going to quit. Telling yourself you hate it, when you really do not will just lead to frustration when you give in. Maybe some people do truly hate smoking. I guess I’m not one of them.

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