Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Something about Weddings

I will start by saying I didn’t plan on smoking this weekend. But there is something about weddings. I have to say, I’m bolder than I used to be. My mother and father were both present at this wedding and probably both know that I smoked but I didn’t confirm or deny anything. But I was outside with the smokers for too long for it to not be suspicious.

It was my cousin’s wedding. I had a few glasses of wine and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I can’t say I really regret the decision because I actually enjoyed the cigarette more than I thought I would. Not so much that I will be running out to buy a pack, but enough that I don’t regret doing it, which depending on your perspective could be a bad thing.

I can’t quite remember how it happened. I think the thought occurred to me after a few drinks that my cousin has cigarettes and I can ask him for one later when I want one. Then I was chatting with my sister and she mentioned finding someone to bum a cigarette off of (as she also smokes occasionally) and I mentioned that our cousin has cigarettes and we were off to find him. He was outside smoking, of course. She didn’t want a whole one and neither did I, so we split one. They were Belmont Blues and I actually thought they were pretty good for a regular (not menthol) cigarette.

We stood outside for a long time socializing with ‘the smokers’ of which there were only two or three. There were about 4 people outside with us not smoking just socializing because it was hot in the hall.

Prior to the wedding, my cousin had asked me if I wanted to ‘get baked’ at the wedding. Me, wanting to hide my darker side from my parents, said only if I can do so without getting caught, so my cousin just dropped the plan. But someone at the wedding had some weed and this was noted by my cousin’s wife and suddenly I was outside smoking weed with the best man. By smoking weed I had one hit and apparently that was enough for one of the best highs I’ve had since the first time I smoked weed in university. I’m an opportunistic pot smoker. Of the 7 times I’ve smoked weed in my life, I’ve had three great experiences, two meh, why do people even bother experiences and one- OMG I’m dying and never doing this again experience. Obviously, I’ve smoked twice since my awful, never again experience. I’m looking forward to legalization, not because I think I’m going to go out and smoke more, but because when I do decide to smoke, it will be nice knowing what I am getting. The last two times have been since people have been able to get medicinal grade stuff and let me tell you, it makes a difference.

This was the first time I’ve smoked pot and experienced distorted time perception. I noted it as I looked at my watch when I said goodbye to the bride and then again 20 minutes later and honestly it felt like I had said goodbye to her hours ago. There is more on how they think marijuana distorts time perception here. One thing the article mentions is that if a user is having a bad trip, this side-effect makes the trip even worse. Luckily I was having a great time and didn’t mind the effect. To me, it seemed like everyone who had smoked weed was in one ‘time-zone’ and the others, in a different time-zone. So time was passing differently for us, my brain rationalized, because we were high. The other effect that was particularly noticeable this time is I felt very heavy but also that the heaviness felt awesome, like almost like a heavy blanket is calming. This makes me want to get a weighted blanket to recreate the experience sober.

All and all, I had a great time at the wedding. Do I want to smoke, drink or get high all the time? No. But it reminded me of the old quote, Moderation in all things, including moderation. And oddly, it has made me more motivated to seek out the positive things in my life that I’ve kind of let slip in the past couple of months. Like exercise and meditation. I need to do more of those because they naturally give me some of what I experienced in my debaucherous weekend. Until next time…


Smoking, Teens and Media: Past vs Present

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, probably because these are some smoking related media that resonated pretty strongly with me. Nowadays you are not allowed to show teens or pre-teens smoking cigarettes, nor do they have the PSA style episodes that they used to when I was growing up. My earliest memory of a response to smoking on television had to be watching the Raccoons. I think this is where my ideas of instant addiction came from. The episode showed Lisa Raccoon trying smoking to fit in with her friend from the city. At one point, they show her being chased by giant cigarettes and I think it really frightened me. I can remember that I always felt both excited and uncomfortable watching these young people/animals try smoking. What was even more odd, is that always wanted them to keep smoking. At least I thought that was odd as a kid. Now it makes a little more sense to me. But as a kid all I understood was that smoking was bad for me and the TV shows were telling me not to start unless you want to be a hopeless addict. And yet, I still on some deeper level I still think I wanted to try it. 

My next memory, is probably of Stephanie Tanner almost smoking on Full House. I was so disappointed that she didn’t. Again, this freaked me out a little that I was gunning so much for these TV figures to start smoking. Next was probably, the chick that takes up smoking on the original Degrassi. Honestly, this episode would be downright controversial and potentially even banned now because not only does the focus character for that episode start smoking, but they are ambiguous as to whether she will quit or not. I guess Degrassi was going for realism over PSA. That was long before the Next Generation years of exporting them to the states. I’m pretty sure that episode would never fly nowadays. 

I also remember Claudia from Party of Five experimenting and probably the most recent teen smoking that sticks out in my mind and probably one of the last incidences that would be shown on TV without some sort of PSA attached is the famous first time Ryan and Marissa meet on the O.C. 

You never did see Ryan or Marissa smoke after this. Sandy tells Ryan that if he is living under his roof he can’t smoke and Ryan obliges. After all, better to live in a mansion as a non-smoker than be homeless and a smoker. Or so the message of the show was. The next time you saw anyone smoke anything was when Marissa’s bad sister comes back from boarding school. She likes to smoke the green stuff and after getting some from her, Seth starts to smoke pot. Until he burns down his Dad’s office that is. I think teens pot smoking on TV is the 21st century equivalent of cigarette smoking in the late 80’s and 90’s. No one smokes pot without consequences and they are usually seen to abuse it in some way. Now they do not show teen smoking on TV because presumably they found that teens might be influenced by seeing the young stars light up on screen and it normalized the smoking. The same logic presumably does not apply to pot smoking because it is illegal. 

Gossip Girl, by the creator of the O.C.,  is based on a popular set of novels by the same name. The show differs from the show in many way but the most striking difference is that you would be hard pressed to find a character in the book that doesn’t smoke something. Nate is a pot head, Dan is a chain-smoker and Serena, Blair and the other girls all enjoy cigarettes with their coffee before class. Of course, they couldn’t have that. I mean they didn’t even show teens smoking like that back when I was a kid, let alone now when they seem to be hyper-vigilant about who is seen smoking on TV. 

Here is an excerpt:

Blair shrugged her shoulders and took a long drag on her dwindling cigarette. “I thought we could hang out by ourselves for awhile,” she said. “No one really comes out until later.”
“Okay,” Serena said. She smoothed out her dress and dug around in her little red purse for her own pack of cigarettes. Gauloises, from France. She tapped one out and stuck it in her mouth. “Want one?’ she offered Blair.
Blair shook her head no.
“There’re kind of strong, but the box is too cool, I don’t care.” Serena laughed. She was about the light up with a pack of bar matches, when the bartender swooped in with a lighter.  

We couldn’t have teens saying stuff like that on TV now, could we? And we don’t. Making Dan a non-smoker took a lot of his edge away. On the show, he is a downright goody goody, that is a writer still, but the similarities stop there. It is kind of interesting the difference it makes, but it does.

Anyhow, I hope you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I’m not sure how much longer I will blog for so do not be surprised if this site one day disappears. I do not want to disappear but I might have to for personal reasons not pertaining to my boyfriend.

Cigarette Fantasies

I knew that my desire had never really gone away- but the way it came back was completely unpredictable. I was on holidays with my roommate, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s cousin. The cousin- well he was hot so from here on I will refer to him as “the Hot Cousin”. If I had been single- I would have totally been into him. We chatted about lots of thing and somehow I brought up the train and how when I took my train trip across Canada we usually hung out in the smoking car/observation car because you couldn’t smell people’s B.O. that way. From there, we went on to complain about smoking bans, neither of us admitting to smoking at this point. At this point- I thought he was a triathlon-doing, non-smoker.

We went into to town from our little cabin and went out for dinner. At dinner- Hot Cousin commented on the fact that a lot of people around town were smoking. So Roommate asks, “Have you quit, I haven’t seen you go out for one yet?” to which Roommate’s Boyfriend answers, “He quit because of the Triathlon he is doing, although that never stopped him before.” Hot Cousin nods and Roommate asks, “Do you think you will start up again after the triathlon?” and he said , “Probably.” She then asked him why he would start again after taking the trouble to quit. To which Hot Cousin utters the words that had me drooling over him for the rest of the weekend, “Because I like to smoke.” She wrongfully assumed that this had to do with the nicotine and suggested he get one of those nicotine inhalers, to which I interject and say, “It’s not the same.” Hot Cousin nods, and affirms this by saying, “I like the feeling of inhaling, watching the smoke come out when I exhale.” I now checked my mouth to see if drool was actually coming out. That’s when the cigarette fantasies started again. Nothing like a beautiful boy professing his love of smoking to get the ball rolling again.

We watched Pineapple Express- the ultimate stoner movie. Actually- Seth Rogan does some pretty wicked snap inhales. Somehow- not really surprisingly this got us talking about smoking again.Apparently the real reason why Hot Cousin had quit smoking is that he has no weed. So Hot Cousin apparently likes his tobacco best mixed with a little marijuana. He said it was like mixing his two favorite things in the world and that he doesn’t really like to smoke either on their own. Now I am not a huge marijuana fan, but I was intrigued by this since I have never tried it. I’ve had both things on their own, but never together. I think what I dislike about marijuana is that because it is illegal, quality is always variable which means that the same amount of weed smoked does not always get you as high. Or you could completely incapacitate yourself with very little of a good product. But you never really know what you have until you’ve smoked it. Cigarettes, because they are regulated- despite brand differences are a very consistent product. Regardless, at this point in our weekend, we had neither tobacco nor weed.

The next day was spent skiing and fantasizing about smoking. Or at least that is what I was doing on the chairlift. I know the others were hoping that Roommate’s Sister would bring some marijuanacrossjoint when she came and she delivered. So that evening- after a day of skiing some weed was smoked. It wasn’t very good and all it did was make me crave a cigarette even more. Hot Cousin kept muttering his disappointment of not having any tobacco to mix with the weed as he rolled the cross joint. I kept fantasizing about how if he had said tobacco, I’d ask him to roll me just a plain cigarette. Especially since the weed was not very good, why have it mess with perfectly good tobacco? Part of this affirmed my fetish for cigarettes. I mean weed is just as dangerous, you still smoke it- inhaling probably worse crud into your lungs since there is no filter and it is illegal. I do enjoy watching the exhales almost as much. But did it turn me on? Nope. Not even a little. Seeing Hot Cousin inhale and exhale off of the cross joint, just sent me into fantasies about him doing the same to a cigarette. His style with a joint was not bad, so under the influence of the weed my mind wandered into cigarette fantasies.

I think that part of the reason why it does not turn me on as much is that the social taboo is not the same despite the fact that pot is illegal. There is a little a bit of a social taboo, but it is different. People still find ways to try and justify their pot smoking, saying stuff like it is not as bad as smoking cigarettes as if cigarettes are the mark of something that is bad for you. I mean the majority of time in health class is devoted to preventing you from smoking cigarettes probably because they are more readily available. Even amongst my pretty straight laced friends, marijuana use is more “okay” than cigarette use. The only exception to that is my boyfriend who sees marijuana as infinitely worse as it is illegal. Like my roommate for example- asking Hot Cousin why he doesn’t just stay quit- citing many of the “quit smoking” aids available, and yet she openly wishes she could find a marijuana dealer so she can get high more often. Tobacco smoking is seen as something “to be quit” whereas pot smoking is seen as “recreational” or “medicinal”. Marijuana is less physically addictive and less people go on to habitually use it like cigarettes so I think this is where people start pointing the finger at cigarettes being “bad”.

All and all it was a great holiday though… it was just one that at many times had me wishing I had stopped off and picked up a fresh pack of cigarettes. At start of the holiday this had not occurred to me. Actually- I am just getting over being sick, and with my cough I was unsure of how the even the pot smoke would feel. I was scared I would hack up a lung. But amazingly- nothing of the sort happened… I guess I understand slightly better now how smoker continue to smoke through colds, coughs and the like. I think I will spend the rest of today contemplating acting on some of my cigarette fantasies. I’m just worried that they are too good to be true…

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