I’m currently unemployed. I can no longer call myself a student. I have about $500 in my bank account and I need a job. So what did I do today? Watched YouTube clips and did a whole lot of nothing. I did update my CV and write a few cover letters as well, but sent them no where. Now I don’t need my two degrees to figure out that you actually have to send the resumes out and apply for the jobs if you want to get one. So what is holding me back?
That very scary four letter word. I fear rejection. I hate myself for this fear because it means that I am no farther along today, at 26, than I was at 13. Granted- in order to apply many of the jobs I want I need three reference letters to attest to my mad teaching skills, of which I have only two. So far no answer from one of the people I asked which is starting to make me think that it is a NO answer. I can only hope that he is just really busy. Maybe I’ll get an e-mail back by the end of the week with a reference letter attached… or maybe…
I can’t let this fear paralyze me anymore or I’m not going to end up where I want to be in life. It is amazing that fear of failure can actually lead to failure itself. By being afraid to apply for jobs, I’m potentially missing out on a lot of opportunities. A lot of jobs. Money that I need for bills. Money that would be nice for some of the smoking exploits I have planned for the New Year. My love affair with tobacco is far from over, only I think I will be branching beyond cigarettes. But those things are the farthest thing from my mind. Well maybe not the farthest thing.
Today, watching YouTube clips made me realize the world is a really scary place. I’ll be the first to admit, I kind of live in a bubble, at least as far as news goes. News, for the most part, depresses me. I like living in my bubble. Not turning on the news for me is like drinking away my pain without the drinking. But eventually, everyone catches a bit of news whether they like it or not. I caught my news in a rather unconventional way today. YouTuber: sxephil’s show The Phillip DeFranco Show. He actually is a really funny guy- but as much as he is funny, me and the box I live in, did not know about the Westboro Baptist Church before today. I’m not going to link to their site because I was actually sickened by what they do. They shouldn’t even be able to call themselves Baptist or a Church even- because the Baptist people I know are not hate mongers. In fact, I seem to remember learning the phrase “love thy neighbor” in church. I have some personal issues with organized religion, but I have nothing against people who choose to go to church. In fact, I love discussing religion with people as long as it doesn’t turn into a “let’s try and save you” discussion. I could have used to not know about Westboro.
The next thing that came up was this: Heroin For Dummies. What a ridiculous idea! Flyers that inform junkies on proper injection methods should they choose not to take the advice of the rest of the pamphlet and quit smack. So wait… woah- hold on! We (meaning society) demonize smokers for using a legal substance. We restrict use. Ban smoking in public places, and yet are willing to spend money to print pamphlets that instruct on proper use of an illegal, highly addictive drug. A drug that is far more likely to ruin your life than tobacco. Sure, the pamphlet was for existing users or people at risk. I can’t think of a worse thing to give someone at risk for using heroin. So you are thinking of using heroin- first part of pamphlet: please don’t, there is help, second part of pamphlet- here’s how to start your smack addiction safely. It is akin to having instructions inside a pack of cigarettes on how to inhale properly, along with the info they provide on where to find help to quit. Sigh…
Here is a link to the full pamphlet which admittedly gives a lot of good information on how not to die from a heroin overdose. But I’m still think step 10- get help for your addiction should have come first.
So where is this little depressing rant going? Tomorrow (rather later today) is a new day. I’m going to make a resolution to have more positive outlook tomorrow instead of quitting before I’ve even started. Someone at my practicum always said, “You can’t receive a “yes” answer if you never ask”. Well- same applies to jobs. I can’t get a job unless I start applying for them.
I hope. And hope is something I always have, even when the hate and the stupid gets me down.