Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



The Fast is Over

Not that I was actually fasting… but I smoked today and it was glorious. There is something to be said about above zero (32 F) weather. Much easier to suck the smoke into your lungs when you are not inhaling -10 to -15 °C ( 14  to 5 F) into your lungs. Also nice to not be shivering. Lately, I had not really wanted to smoke much, so I didn’t. I figure no point in doing something unless you actually feel like doing it. I know there is some danger in that, since then I start to associate certain moods, thoughts and cravings with smoking, which increases the likelihood of repeating these actions in the future. That said, I’m not sure I really care anymore. I guess I should tell the story behind this cigarette, since although I was solitary again, I did something I have never done before. I actually smoked in my backyard.

Conditions like what I had tonight will be rare, so do not think that I am going to be sneaking out to my backyard for cigarettes all the time. Two of my roommates were gone for the whole weekend and one went out to the bar. To be perfectly honest- I had kind of a shit day. I got home from having supper at a friends and decided to take a bath because that is generally what I do when I feel like I do today. The bath made me feel a lot better, and when I came out of the bathroom, my roommate and her boyfriend were just finishing off their beers on the way out the door. They informed me that they were off to some bar… and this is when the wheels in my head started turning. I didn’t feel like driving somewhere to smoke and suddenly the opportunity to not leave my own yard presented itself and I simply had to take it. 

I waited for about a half hour before I went. I didn’t want them to come back having forgot something… although now that I think about it, I’m not sure they would have noticed me. I retrieved a cigarette from the hiding place from my car and found an old concentrate juice can to put my ashes in. Not that anyone would go specifically to the place in my yard where I smoked and notice the ashes in the snow- but I’d prefer not to leave a trace. I had forgotten that we moved the picnic table to the sheltered area in my backyard and was pleasantly surprised to find it snow free. Plus- I noticed when I sat down at the table, the place really was sheltered- I could barely see the street or alley. Passers by would probably only see the puffs of smoke coming from me. I took it pretty easy, since I haven’t smoked in almost a month, but found that although I was lightheaded again, I didn’t become nauseous. There was something really enjoyable about smoking right in my own backyard. I’m not sure what it was… 

Kristin Stewart SmokingAnd somewhat unrelated, I thought this post on the Twilight cast (or I guess it would be New Moon cast) smoking caught my eye. It is so funny because if you go to this site and read all the comments at the bottom- they are funny. I’m not sure why everyone is so surprised that all these actors smoke. I mean, it is practically an occupational hazard as an actor. I know they can smoke the fake herbal cigarettes that apparently can taste gross if they want to for movies, but I don’t know- and I’m super biased- but if I am going to suck carcinogenic smoke into my lungs, I might as well have the nicotine too. Plus- people get all worked up and say “teenage girls look up to them, how can they smoke?” Since when are actors and actresses our role models? The last time I checked- if I were to take a page out of Lindsay Lohan’s book I would be in rehab for a coke addiction by now. Granted, society is influenced by them- but they are entertainers, not people to look up to for lessons on how to live life. Just my take, and I will admit I have an extreme bias that sways me toward being okay with it mainly because I love the reaction that people have to it. And for the record- I did not try or start smoking because I saw “Bella” aka Kristin Stewart or “Edward” aka Robert Pattinson light up. I just think they are both incredibly sexy when they do.

rpattzsmokingI feel like I should explain the Twilight thing, since I am clearly not a teenage girl. I got addicted to Twilight this summer. When I say addicted, I mean addicted. Seriously. The books are like crack or heroin. Far more addictive than cigarettes. They should have a giant warning label on them. I spent the better part of one week reading all four books. I think I would have read them faster if it were not for actually having to socialize with people. And when I was done- I re-read them and then got the book tapes and listened to them. The thing is- the books are totally captivating, but complete cheese. Yep- I said it. Cleolinda says it better in her blog when she compares it to a twinkie. You know they are bad for you, but when you want a twinkie, you gotta have a twinkie. The movie kind of made me snap out of it because it really made me realize just how cheesy Twilight is. I really liked the books as great escapist reads, but the movie was pure comedy to me. I think my stomach was sore from laughing so hard. So I kind of can’t wait to see what they do with New Moon- I wonder if the most depressing book in the series can be made into a comedy. I wonder.


Hawksley Workman

I think I remember the first time I heard his stuff and I remember at the time thinking- man, this guy is crazy. The first song I heard by him was Anger as Beauty. This song is pretty tame which is probably why it became so popular in the mainstream. My friend tried to get me to listen to some of his other stuff, but I have to say- at the time some of it made me feel a little uncomfortable. He does not sugar coat anything and his older stuff is particularly raw. I had quite a bit of his stuff on my computer and I hardly ever listened to it. My friend kept telling me- you have to go to his concert. I didn’t get it at the time. Little did I know I was missing out on one of the most engaging live performers I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

One day, one of his songs randomly came onto my computer again in my third year of university and I was hooked. I don’t know what was different about me that made me like it so much more in that moment- but I think something in me had changed, that made me appreciate his work so much more.

A reoccurring theme in his songs is darkness or dirtiness within, along with singing about sex a lot. That is actually how he introduces this song- Dirty and True. He says at the beginning of the video: “Sometimes the dirtiness is held within you and you are forbidden to talk about it”. I found that when I was looking for a video of one of my favourite Hawksley Workman songs for obvious reasons. That song is Jealous of Your Cigarette.

It is sort of a silly song… but I think I appreciate that although I cannot confirm that is talking about the fetish, it sounds like it. The song quality of the video is not great and the video is kind of lame. Regardless, he seems to appreciate the person that is smoking.

He also wrote another song called Lethal and Young and I can’t find a you tube clip to play but the lyrics of the song start like this:

It’s been fun destroying our bodies
It’s been great just being together
Crash another car, smoke another cigarette
And make love to all our favorites on the radio
’cause we don’t know how to make it go
We were only told how to burn it down
And then skip town

The references he makes to smoking occur in many of his songs. Another one of my favourites which seems to be a commentary on the life of a rockstar is Smoke Baby.

The above video is a live version, because I couldn’t find a non-live version. I think the lyrics that speak to me most in that song are these:

Who’ll give you time to cry?
And time to find yourself?

Anyhow… that is just a sampling of one of my favourite artists of all time. He is not for everyone, but his songs certainly speak to me. Not just the ones about smoking either. He often writes songs that really hit a chord with me. I try and get anyone I know to listen to him, much like my friend who tried to get me to listen to him, so it was only a matter of time before I started plugging him on here.

I’ll leave you with my current favourite, The City is a Drag

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑