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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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honesty

Challenge Day 24: Honesty

everybody-lies-dr-house-quote-backgroundDay 24: What is the most common reason for you to be dishonest?  What do you think this means for you?

Easy question: Anything I feel shameful or that other people will judge me for. Smoking was a big one. I used to lie about smoking all the time. I mean that is what closet smokers do.

Why? I think it is normal to hide the parts of ourselves that we are least proud of.

The thing is, in order to get close to people, you got to be honest with them. You have to be vulnerable. Which opens you up to getting hurt. Hence why we lie.

To quote House: Everybody lies. What I’ve learned is the people I can trust the whole truth to are the people I’m going to work hard to keep in my life.

Meditation:Breathing Calmness

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Step 1: Be Honest

Something I have been working at ever since I told my boyfriend the reflex lie of, “What do you mean my sweatshirt smells like smoke?” in response to his question “Have you been smoking?” is being more honest with him. Of course- I’m still working on bringing up past smoking transgressions, but I figure step one is being more honest about the present.

Well the opportunity to be more honest with my boyfriend presented itself last night and instead of my reflexive response to deny, I took the high road and confessed. Before you get too excited, he still does not know about the past four months of occasional cigarette smoking. But I did fess up to smoking something…

Here is the story. My roommate, boyfriend and I went shopping at the mall and roommate decides to bring up recent pot smoking done up in mountains. She starts talking about how it didn’t really make her high and her comments sort of begged me to answer. I took a moment instead of either responding right way or not responding at all to think about what I could say. On one hand I could just lie by omission- not say anything and boyfriend will probably think I didn’t smoke pot (or will forever wonder if I did- and potentially trust me less). On the other hand, I could just respond with the comment I want to make- not making a big deal about it and have him find out that I indeed have smoked marijuana again. I picked option 2 and I said, “Yeah, I didn’t really feel much of anything either.” To which boyfriend replies (disappointed), “Wait a second, you were smoking pot too?” To which I replied (jokingly), “Yes, but technically I didn’t get high from it so it almost doesn’t count.” Then a little more seriously I asked, “Are you mad/disappointed with me?” to which he replied, “No.” I actually think he appreciates the fact that I didn’t lie to him even though he totally does not approve of pot smoking. He is one person that definitely sees pot as way worse than cigarettes.

I think the key to getting over reflexive lying about things that you have hidden in the past is to take a moment before replying to think of possible responses and then answer. If you truly want to be honest and are ready to come clean then the split second you wait could mean the difference between telling the truth and perpetuating the lies. Also, for me- I’m starting to learn that honesty in the relationship is the best policy, because you are who you are, and that isn’t changing. Whomever you choose to be with needs to accept who you are or move on. I’ve made some mistakes with Boyfriend in this area, but I think that it is never too late to start being more honest with him.

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