Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Challenge Day 3: Ten activities that make me feel like me

Today’s prompt was:¬†Name 10 activities that make you feel good and feel like yourself. Here are my 10 and then I will describe why these activities make me feel good/ like me.

  1. Running
  2. Swimming
  3. Walking/ hiking in nature
  4. Sewing
  5. Knitting
  6. Taking pictures
  7. Cooking
  8. Teaching
  9. Spending time with my husband
  10. Playing with the dog

The first three are all physical activities. For running, I love the high even though that gets harder to get as you run more. I love that it is challenging. I’ve already liked running, especially long distances. I’ve loved swimming since I was a young child. The best thing my mom ever did is put me in a stroke improvement class when I was in grade 5. I fell in love with lane swimming and decided to join swim club. I’ve been swimming ever since. Swimming is probably the first mindful activities I’ve ever done. I’ve always found it really easy to be present while swimming. The last of these three is because I love being in nature.

The next four: sewing, knitting, taking pictures and cooking. I like all of these because they allow me to be creative and to create something. I like crafting and I love the feeling of finishing a project (or meal-yum) made by me.

The next one is teaching. I love teaching. At work, I always say to myself, I can’t believe that I get to do this for a living. I’ve found my calling for sure. I love helping people and my job allows me to tap into that side of me. I feel even more like this now that I teach adults in a correctional setting. While my job isn’t always easy, it is very rewarding.

Second from the last, I like spending time with my husband. I don’t have to ‘put any masks’ on around him which is nice.

Lastly, nothing I love more than taping into my inner child and playing with the dog.

Today’s meditation:¬† The Tree – A Grounding Meditation

I found the meditation super interesting.

Now off to clean, something that is near the bottom of my feel good and like myself list.



Day 30: Vaping is the Future

In the Poisonous Vaping Debate, Are Anti-Smoking Groups the New Big Tobacco? –

Great article on the Vaping Debate. I’ll admit, I was scared to try vaping because of the ambiguity presented in the media but I’m glad I did. It literally changed my life and allowed me to work through many of my issues with smoking.

Vaping is what makes me confident that I don’t have to go back to using nicotine if I don’t want to. It gives me a way to ‘smoke’ without being addicted. To be honest, I haven’t vaped since Sunday morning. It is nice not needing to vape.

I’ve been thinking of where I might go from here. I find blogging therapeutic and I don’t feel like I want to start a new blog. I mean I’ve tried in the past and always come back to this one. All the weird fetishy stuff might discourage some from reading but to be honest it is where I’ve come from and part of who I am.

So I don’t think I’ll be posting every day from now on but on topics that are of interest to me, smoking related or otherwise. I already have some ideas for posts.

Excited for what the future brings. I started day one of my next challenge: get back into shape. Did a 15 minute run and I’m soooo slow. I guess that is what I get for my slacking.  Until next time…

Day 29: Virtually Uneventful

On days like today, I sometimes feel as though the year leading up to this month didn’t even happen. I’ve probably said this before, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt exactly like this ever before. Prior to this, there always felt like there was something missing. A yearning I had for something. A yearning perhaps to be able to admit out loud that my obsession/addiction with smoking was something I was dealing with. A desire to show the world that I’m not perfect.

I’m still not perfect, but having to ‘come out’ with my addiction over the past year allowed me to let go of the whole idea of looking perfect to others.

I feel stronger now than I ever have before, more confident, more sure of myself. Funny how things work out in life.

Tomorrow is day 30. I have no worries.

Day 27: Another Great Day

When I read my posts from when I started vaping, the joy I felt finding something that I could almost guilt-free ‘smoke’ really comes through. Today, I felt almost that same joy at being off nicotine.

I maintain it was totally necessary for me yield control to nicotine to get where I am today. Unfortunately, I’m one of those learn by doing people that has to experience things first hand.

In short, I had an amazing weekend. I built a raised bed garden with my husband. We planted a bunch of veggies, walked the dog and visited with my husband’s parents. There was nothing extraordinary about the weekend, but in a way that is was made it so good. I felt happy. Content. At one point hangry… But I got through it without biting off my husband’s head, although I was so hungry the thought crossed my mind. All without chemical aid. I can do this. For how long? Only time will tell.

Happy Holidays?

This time of year always seems to get me down. Last year, I was busy obsessing over telling my boyfriend about my smoking fetish. I’m glad I was honest with him. It makes it so much easier, not to mention I can be myself around him. No longer do I have to keep certain comments to myself. Last night, for example, we moved the shower curtain that previously resided in my sketchy apartment. It had a funny smell- Raid mixed with stale smoke smell. The thing is- I’ve never smoked in my apartment. I had every intention of doing so when I moved in, but the place just never had the right atmosphere. I would much rather smoke outside than do it in my gross little apartment. Anyhow- I said, “This shower curtain smells like I was smoking in the bathtub, which is totally something I would do, only I haven’t. Curious.” He laughed. I laughed and then we proceeded to try and wash the weird stale smoke/Raid smell out of the shower curtain.

This year… this year I think I’m down because I know that come January I’m not going back to school nor do I have a job to return to. It sucks and my attitude sucks even more. I’m doing my darndest to stay optimistic, but it is hard. Not to mention right now I am paying rent for an apartment that I no longer actually live in, but have a lease for another two months. I long for a distraction from my life, but I know what I really need to be doing is facing my problems head on. So that is where I am right now… in a weird state of limbo where I find myself listening to the acoustic version of Help I’m Alive by Metric as well as Gimme Sympathy.

I always have the perspective that things will get better and this is just a phase of my life. I also know I’m the one responsible for pulling myself out of this funk. I just hope the motivation shows up soon.

On that sad note… wishing everyone who reads this a Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year if I don’t update before then!

Blog at

Up ↑