Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Cigarette Fantasies

I knew that my desire had never really gone away- but the way it came back was completely unpredictable. I was on holidays with my roommate, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s cousin. The cousin- well he was hot so from here on I will refer to him as “the Hot Cousin”. If I had been single- I would have totally been into him. We chatted about lots of thing and somehow I brought up the train and how when I took my train trip across Canada we usually hung out in the smoking car/observation car because you couldn’t smell people’s B.O. that way. From there, we went on to complain about smoking bans, neither of us admitting to smoking at this point. At this point- I thought he was a triathlon-doing, non-smoker.

We went into to town from our little cabin and went out for dinner. At dinner- Hot Cousin commented on the fact that a lot of people around town were smoking. So Roommate asks, “Have you quit, I haven’t seen you go out for one yet?” to which Roommate’s Boyfriend answers, “He quit because of the Triathlon he is doing, although that never stopped him before.” Hot Cousin nods and Roommate asks, “Do you think you will start up again after the triathlon?” and he said , “Probably.” She then asked him why he would start again after taking the trouble to quit. To which Hot Cousin utters the words that had me drooling over him for the rest of the weekend, “Because I like to smoke.” She wrongfully assumed that this had to do with the nicotine and suggested he get one of those nicotine inhalers, to which I interject and say, “It’s not the same.” Hot Cousin nods, and affirms this by saying, “I like the feeling of inhaling, watching the smoke come out when I exhale.” I now checked my mouth to see if drool was actually coming out. That’s when the cigarette fantasies started again. Nothing like a beautiful boy professing his love of smoking to get the ball rolling again.

We watched Pineapple Express- the ultimate stoner movie. Actually- Seth Rogan does some pretty wicked snap inhales. Somehow- not really surprisingly this got us talking about smoking again.Apparently the real reason why Hot Cousin had quit smoking is that he has no weed. So Hot Cousin apparently likes his tobacco best mixed with a little marijuana. He said it was like mixing his two favorite things in the world and that he doesn’t really like to smoke either on their own. Now I am not a huge marijuana fan, but I was intrigued by this since I have never tried it. I’ve had both things on their own, but never together. I think what I dislike about marijuana is that because it is illegal, quality is always variable which means that the same amount of weed smoked does not always get you as high. Or you could completely incapacitate yourself with very little of a good product. But you never really know what you have until you’ve smoked it. Cigarettes, because they are regulated- despite brand differences are a very consistent product. Regardless, at this point in our weekend, we had neither tobacco nor weed.

The next day was spent skiing and fantasizing about smoking. Or at least that is what I was doing on the chairlift. I know the others were hoping that Roommate’s Sister would bring some marijuanacrossjoint when she came and she delivered. So that evening- after a day of skiing some weed was smoked. It wasn’t very good and all it did was make me crave a cigarette even more. Hot Cousin kept muttering his disappointment of not having any tobacco to mix with the weed as he rolled the cross joint. I kept fantasizing about how if he had said tobacco, I’d ask him to roll me just a plain cigarette. Especially since the weed was not very good, why have it mess with perfectly good tobacco? Part of this affirmed my fetish for cigarettes. I mean weed is just as dangerous, you still smoke it- inhaling probably worse crud into your lungs since there is no filter and it is illegal. I do enjoy watching the exhales almost as much. But did it turn me on? Nope. Not even a little. Seeing Hot Cousin inhale and exhale off of the cross joint, just sent me into fantasies about him doing the same to a cigarette. His style with a joint was not bad, so under the influence of the weed my mind wandered into cigarette fantasies.

I think that part of the reason why it does not turn me on as much is that the social taboo is not the same despite the fact that pot is illegal. There is a little a bit of a social taboo, but it is different. People still find ways to try and justify their pot smoking, saying stuff like it is not as bad as smoking cigarettes as if cigarettes are the mark of something that is bad for you. I mean the majority of time in health class is devoted to preventing you from smoking cigarettes probably because they are more readily available. Even amongst my pretty straight laced friends, marijuana use is more “okay” than cigarette use. The only exception to that is my boyfriend who sees marijuana as infinitely worse as it is illegal. Like my roommate for example- asking Hot Cousin why he doesn’t just stay quit- citing many of the “quit smoking” aids available, and yet she openly wishes she could find a marijuana dealer so she can get high more often. Tobacco smoking is seen as something “to be quit” whereas pot smoking is seen as “recreational” or “medicinal”. Marijuana is less physically addictive and less people go on to habitually use it like cigarettes so I think this is where people start pointing the finger at cigarettes being “bad”.

All and all it was a great holiday though… it was just one that at many times had me wishing I had stopped off and picked up a fresh pack of cigarettes. At start of the holiday this had not occurred to me. Actually- I am just getting over being sick, and with my cough I was unsure of how the even the pot smoke would feel. I was scared I would hack up a lung. But amazingly- nothing of the sort happened… I guess I understand slightly better now how smoker continue to smoke through colds, coughs and the like. I think I will spend the rest of today contemplating acting on some of my cigarette fantasies. I’m just worried that they are too good to be true…



I think I’ve always been fascinated with smoking. There is just something about that draws me in. I can remember having dreams when I was only 6 about being kidnapped and forced to smoke by my captors. I was always returned to my parents, but with the need and want to smoke.  This dream recurred throughout my childhood and both scared and fascinated me. It was drilled into my young mind that smoking was bad for me. For the life of me I couldn’t understand how or why people kept doing it if it was so bad for them. I concluded, despite what I was being told, that there must be something good about it.

By age nine, I noticed that if I started thinking about smoking, I would become aroused. It was pretty frustrating to feel aroused and not know what to do about it. Not to mention, I had been taught that smoking was bad. I started to associate the arousal as something that happens when I thought bad things.

I didn’t figure out how to deal with my frustration until I was 15 when I was home alone watching Rocky Horror Picture show and found myself turned on. The light bulb went off and I finally connected the overtly sexual things I was watching with arousal. I promptly became a huge fan of self-pleasure.

I was always a good girl, maybe even a geek. I got good grades and I had a pretty solid group of friend despite not being “popular”. Because of this image and the fact that I never wanted to disappoint my mother with whom I am very close, as much as I wanted to try smoking, I didn’t. When I think back, grade 9 would have been the best time for me to start. This is when all of my friends started to experiment. What did I do? Instead of going against my goody goody image and lighting up I decided that it would be best to alienate them and become a loner. High School became miserable. So miserable, that I decided to switch schools.

Surprisingly, the first friend I met at my new high school was a smoker. Naturally, you think that if I really wanted to smoke so bad, that this new school- with my new friend that smokes would be the most convenient way to start. She even got me to hold on to her pack overnight. I almost stole one, just to try it without looking stupid but I decided she would notice.

As I became more involved with some friends I had met through band I drifted apart from my smoker friend and didn’t have the opportunity to try it until the summer after tenth grade.

That summer I was doing an exchange program where I spent the summer in another region of the country to improve my French. In my exchange group there were only two smokers- Lia and Emily- both girls. The guys were giving them a pretty hard time about smoking but neither of them cared. It got to the point where it started to eat away at Lia so she tried to quit. Us being the evil 16 year olds that we were asked these two kids (10-11 years old) that we ran into over our lunch break smoking under the bridge if we could bum a cigarette. Lia is going nuts by now since she has gone without smoking for the whole weekend.  Since we are being evil, we decide to split the cigarettes amongst us non-smokers right in front of her. We each had puff before we let Lia have the rest since she was almost on the point of tears.

I was surprised that I actually enjoyed the taste of the smoke. I loved the way it looked coming out of my mouth. I wanted to do it again. If conditions had been different that summer, if the guys had been less against smoking, I probably would have tried it a few more times. I really wanted to learn how to inhale, since I was pretty sure I hadn’t inhaled my first puff.

On the train ride back, I hung out in the smoking car with all of the smokers. I tried smoking once more in the car, but still didn’t inhale. I think I tried twice before I gave up; no one did a particularly good job explaining how.

By twelfth grade, I had a whole new group of friends, even more anti-smoking than the last. But one of my friends from a different circle called me up one night and confessed to me that she had started smoking. She was a bit of a rebel. Okay- that is a bit of an understatement, she had major issues and was pretty much trouble.    

She expected me to lecture her like everyone else did, but I didn’t want to make the same mistake I had made with my first friends when I was younger. I saw this as my opportunity to finally try it.

This is when I found smoking stories and Dr. Humo guide to starting smoking. This is also when I discovered my smoking fetish. I couldn’t stop reading the stories and Dr. Humo gave pretty detailed advice on how to inhale that I was pretty sure the next time I tried it I would be inhaling.

One night in February, I got my chance. I was having a sleepover at her house. Her parents weren’t home as they worked for the airlines so we stole a bottle of red wine and drank it and she decided she wanted to go for a walk and a smoke. She asked me if I wanted one and I said no- although in retrospect I wish I had said yes. Later, she asked if I wanted a drag and I said yes. Finally, I thought, in my head. So I took the cigarette from her, took a small puff in my mouth and whoosh inhaled without even thinking about it.  Because I didn’t think about it, she had to remind me to exhale. I didn’t cough, and felt well glorious is the only way to describe it. In that brief, split second moment- it all made sense. Up until that point, despite all of my fascination I did not understand why people smoked. Now I did and I could not wait to do it again.

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