Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



The Nature of Beast: The Danger of Letting Things Slide

 I was doing so well, but alas I have a cycle to repeat. Or so it seems… This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten cravings nor will it be my last. I find my cravings are worse when I’ve let other things slide in my life. I stopped tracking food, mostly because I felt like I didn’t need to anymore. But it turns out, for someone like me, it is the recipe for backsliding into old habits. Mindless eating habits. Eating to the point of overfull. Ironically, overfull triggers a craving for nicotine to help me disgest. 

I stopped exercising (other than walking my dog). This was a subtle backslide, but there nonetheless. 

I could waste time beating myself up over it or use the backslide as a way to rationalize smoking or even vaping nicotine again. But the truth is, if I were taking better care of myself my cravings wouldn’t be as strong. 

That said, there is no denying the strongly sexual nature of these cravings. As I abstain for longer, my fetish cravings grow stronger. I think that while a large part of my attraction is to that of the image of the smoker, my smoking fetish is more about giving in to a darker side. I used to think it was partially tied to addiction, which really creeped me out. But I found nothing sexy, at least long term, about being addicted to nicotine, nor do I find it attractive in others. When I was deepest into my addiction, smoking and vaping were actually the least attractive to me fetish wise. But now that I’ve put them on the “will not do” list, they’ve become infinitely more attractive. The attraction isn’t necessarily about smoking, although that is how it mostly plays out sexually for me. The attraction is about self-denial, then giving into pleasure whatever that pleasure may be. It is a cycle that plays out with both food and exercise in my life as well. It is all connected. Giving in always feels good at first, but then becomes tedious whether it be for good or for smoking.
How to find a satisfying balance? I feel like finding balance is like the quest for the holy grail or the Philosopher’s Stone. I guess the only way is to keep working at it. 


Day 24: A New Hope

While today had some ups and  downs, on the whole I felt the most stable and happy that I have felt in a few days. Perhaps it is the weight of having phoned my father is off my shoulders. Perhaps it is the vitamins recommended for PMS that I’ve started taking.

Cravings were back today as well as relapse fantasies. These don’t necessarily mean anything as I’ve had these sorts of fantasies since I was very young. Only they were just fantasies before, not relapse fantasies. As bad as it sounds, it is comforting they are back as they are part of my “non-nicotine” normal. They have changed in a way too. In the past, I felt compelled to act on the fantasies. Buy cigarettes. Smoke. I actually had the same fantasies when I was vaping. Fantasies where I smoke instead of vape. Never once did I have the urge to act on them. I think what I’ve realized is that those fantasies are sexual and have nothing to do with wanting or even needing to smoke.

I sometimes will start thinking of where this fetish might have come from. Today I noticed that my mom talks about smoking more than most people. Today it came up twice in a conversation that I was having with her. The first story she told me was about an 80 year old woman at the senior’s centre and how to look at her you’d never suspect she smokes. I said ‘You can’t really tell who smokes or not by their look. Lots of people smoke that you’d find surprising.’ Next, she started telling me a story about how the 50 year old man that she used to work for started smoking. Apparently he was 12, had a train ticket for the smoking car on the train. Was scared they would kick him out if he wasn’t smoking so he bought a pack and started right then and there.

I only find it suspicious because most people don’t just talk about these things. I love hearing how people started, but I always feel creepy asking. Anyhow, I’m not suggesting my mom has a smoking fetish, but more that she is fascinated by people that smoke. I mean, she used to smoke, quit when I was three. I’m probably just ultra sensitive to this topic and it is nothing.

Anyhow, here is to a good day and hopefully another good one tomorrow.

Day 12: Lazy Saturday, reading about addiction

Today I slept in until about 7:30 am which is late for me. Lazed in bed until about 8. It was nice to not feel the urgent desire to get out of bed to use nicotine, something that was present almost from the start of regularly vaping. Before I started vaping, it starting to emerge with smoking but I was so closeted that I often had to wait regardless.

The fatigue is mostly gone and mostly I just feel really amazed at how good I feel and how absent cravings are. I mean I started vaping to silent the cravings, but in the true nature of addiction what I ended up with was more constant, more urgent cravings. I still maintain that I needed to go through this in order to get where I am today. If you see addiction as a learning disorder, I already had learned the unhealthy pathways, I just managed to suppress them for a long time. The truth is, despite the fact that smoking is unhealthy, virtually unaccepted in today’s society, from my first experience smoking I wanted to do it again and I recognized that I would probably get addicted. The fear kept me away for awhile but honestly- looking back at everything I have written, I have just been saying no to myself for many years.

I read this article this morning by Marc Lewis: Relapse as Defiance: Just Say Yes  and it basically explained to me the cycle I was in. It talks about a phenomenon called ego fatigue or depletion. Ego fatigue is the loss of self-control that occurs when one is constantly trying to stop an impulse.

This example given in the article describes it perfectly and also what can be done about it:

So there you are, craving to get high “one more time,” and saying to yourself over and over again: No, don’t do it! Then ego fatigue creeps up on you…some part of your cognitive hardware gets tired and gives up the battle. The impulse takes over. Each of the five biographical chapters in my book shows exactly how that plays out in the life of someone addicted to something. But here’s the double whammy, the Catch-22: Psychologists have shown clearly that suppression (just saying No) makes ego fatigue worse. Suppressing the impulse gives it more power. The only way to stay on top of ego fatigue is to reinterpret or reframe the situation: “that’s no fun, that’s not what I want.”

In the process of saying no to myself, over and over and over again, I was wearing myself down. I would give in, feel relief for awhile but then would find myself fantasizing about smoking again, dreaming about regular smoking, as if it were the thing I wanted most. My rational brain would scoff and called the idea ridiculous, but the reward centers of my brain had already learned the pleasure that could be obtained from the action. In essence, despite not having a history of regular use, I was an addict.

The last sentence of the quote says something very important, something I think is key to people recovering from any addiction.

Suppressing the impulse gives it more power. The only way to stay on top of ego fatigue is to reinterpret or reframe the situation: “that’s no fun, that’s not what I want.”

This is a key difference between quitting vaping now and every other time that I have decided not to take up regular smoking (which is really all I was doing before since I had no intention of stopping my occasional use). Through vaping, I realized that I really didn’t want to smoke. I like the idea of smoking, I love the visual and perhaps the feeling of inhaling shit into my lungs, but actual cigarette smoking no longer does it for me. I still like to watch others do it (visual) but I no longer desire to join them. That was the impulse that I suppressed over and over and over again for so many years, probably from my young teen days. I really wanted, more than anything to join in with the people smoking. Smoking has been reframed as something that I don’t really want. 

Next obstacle- nicotine and my love for its affect on my brain. While I still have positive memories of many experiences involving vaping, smoking and nicotine- my recent experience with my own regular use had me come to conclusion that I don’t like using nicotine all the time. The last 12 days ( okay maybe not all 12 of them, but certainly the more recent half of them) have solidified that I prefer not using nicotine all the time. Therefore, nicotine has been reframed as something I don’t want to use all the time.  I think I said numerous times on this blog that I didn’t want to become a regular user, but that was more a fear. The desire was there and I was as much trying to convince myself as I was my readers that I didn’t want it, hence ego fatigue and a constant cycle of intermittent use.

I think the main obstacle I’m still not over is the idea that I can use occasionally, although I think I’m much less convinced that I can do this now than I ever have been in the past. The thing is: I don’t have any compulsion to smoke pipes (despite the nicotine). I enjoy it and leave it alone for many months at a time. This will probably be my downfall at some point.

My other obstacle is fetishy desires connected to using nicotine. Vaping satisfies most of tactile/visual aspects of smoking that I liked. I mean some aspects are absence, but after nine months I got use to that and I came to appreciate vaping for what it is. I’m hoping that there is enough connection between vaping and my sexual desires that I will no longer desire smoking at all. Only time will tell with that one.

The Gentleman’s Guide to Interacting with Women Who Smoke

…when you dig women that smoke (cigarettes, pipes, cigars or otherwise)

I’ve been writing this blog for seven years and for the most part the people that choose to comment on my posts are really nice. They comment on the intellectual value or entertainment value of the posts, perhaps to say thank you for expressing something that they too felt.

Every once and awhile I get a weird creepy post. They usually start with something like, “I have SUCH a fetish for women who smoke! Please write more stories about you smoking, because smoking is really really hot.”  When I read this, I read: “You just provided some great masturbatory material. I really want you to write more stuff that I can get off to.”

To me, this is the online equivalent of Cat Calling. What is cat calling? It is when typically a guy (but it can be a woman as well) calls out/whistles at a woman/guy to signal their sexual interest in a woman/guy. Some guys think women like this, but overwhelmingly most women just find it creepy. The video below illustrates this if you don’t believe me.

So here is my guide to interacting with women who smoke (online edition). I’ve never had a creepy experience in real life actually with regards to meeting a guy with ‘the fetish’.

1) You don’t know her, nor have you been intimate with her

Therefore, you should be interacting with her as if she is a platonic stranger. Anything sexual references to her is creepy.

2) Even if you are pretty sure that she shares your fetish for smoking, you do not have to state that you have a fetish for smoking. Because if she doesn’t or doesn’t know what that means she will probably think you are creepy. In the case of my blog where I talk about my own fetish, it is less odd depending on the context. But even so there is a difference between saying, “I have a super fetish for smoking! OMG you smoke and I find that so sexy!” and someone describing what they like about a woman that smokes in more general terms (not creepy for most- as long as they are open-minded).

3) Just because she smokes and participates in perhaps a pro-smoking community, doesn’t mean she is there explicitly to entertain you and your fetish for women who smoke. Be respectful of the fact that she is a free individual living her own life.

4) If you start corresponding and she stops, you’ve probably been creepy in some way. If she has never responded to any messages you have sent her is either not interested in interacting with you or she found your message creepy. Reevaluate your messages and see if you broke any of the rules above.

5) Last tip: Imagine yourself at a bar/restaurant and that you were having dinner with said girl. Read your message. If you wouldn’t say what you read out loud to the girl, you shouldn’t sent it the message to the girl.

I’ll end this here. Like I said before, it is there are a few creeps that ruin it for everyone else. 95% of the time, people are nice and respectful and seem to ‘know’ these rules. I’ve always dealt with these types by deleting their comments and not responding to them which seems to be working well for me.

Bringing Smoking Back?

Somedays, I almost cannot believe how far I have come since I started this blog. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that these changes in how I view my fetish and interact with it in real life didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of deprogramming to be able to get to a place where I could enjoy smoking and my fetish without feeling anxious about it. I’m not saying I’ve forgotten all the propaganda regarding the evils of smoking that I have been fed over the years. I do feel like I have been freed from its shackles though.

Because of my elbow issue, I don’t smoke very often. In some ways, I ‘m almost happy for that, because it makes the smoking that much more special when I do. My boyfriend, on the hand, is quite taken with pipe smoking. He loves everything about it, from the actual smoking to the collecting of pipe paraphernalia. I love sitting with him and enjoying the aroma of his smoke. I love the way he smells after he has had a bowl. I love that he loves to smoke. That, in itself, is very attractive to me.

I went to my cousin’s wedding last weekend. He is my closest cousin. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to bring his pipe. He declined, thinking he wouldn’t have an opportunity to smoke. After all, who smokes in this day and age? More people that you would expect. Most people were smoking a variety of tipped cigars with a few larger Swisher Sweet types. My boyfriend immediately regretted not bringing his pipe. He would have fit right in. I wasn’t planning on smoking. After all, my mom was there and within sight of me. But chatting with my cousin, the conversation came to pipes and cigars and he asked us if we wanted to try his Swisher Sweet. We both accepted and started passing the cigar between the three of us. He then told us that we could have it since he had already smoked quite a bit that night. So, my boyfriend and I continued to share it. Still not sure if my mom saw us, but my guess would be yes although she only commented on my boyfriend smoking. Regardless, I think I would be okay with her finding out I smoke every so often. She seems to be okay with pipe smoking for some reason.

On the way home from his honeymoon, my cousin and his wife stopped for a visit and my boyfriend introduced him to pipe smoking. He liked it, but thinks that he will stick to cigars for now. We got to talking, and he remarked that he thinks that smoking will make a come back with our generation. He has noticed that almost everyone he knows smokes something. I tend to think that more people smoke than is reported by census because occasional smokers tend to not think of themselves as “smokers”. He might just be optimistic, as have whole groups of friends that don’t touch tobacco. Having both smoked some of the MJ in our “youth” we both agreed that we like tobacco more. Both of us like that we are still able to think straight after a cigar or a pipe. I tend to think that smoking prohibition will only get worse before it gets better. I also think that as long as tobacco is legal people will continue to smoke no matter how restricted that smoking becomes by the law. I also doubt that new laws will or campaigns will reduce smoking to a lower level than we see today. Why? Because everyone who smokes nowadays knows it is bad for them and yet does so anyways. So why would campaigns doing more of the same work?

Maybe my cousin is right. Maybe our generation will bring smoking back into fashion. Well… I can always hope.

The Power Of Fetish

Last night had me wondering: if my boyfriend knew how powerful my fetish is, would he take advantage of it? The answer I came up with is no, simply because of our differing sex drives. I’m usually the one wanting to be sexual more often.  But quite honestly, I realized just how powerful my fetish is last night.

His best friend came over for a beer and as he walks in he says, “You are probably wondering why I am wearing my jacket.” We live in the same building as him, so there would be no need for him to wear his jacket unless of course we were going outside for a smoke. I was on to this right away. My boyfriend needed the visual evidence of the pack of cigarillos that his friend bought on Sunday. Of course I was game, since my weakness now is social smoking. We play one game of cards and then his friend decides it is time to go out to smoke. My boyfriend wants to play another game, so I am torn between really wanting to join his friend outside and playing cards. I think my boyfriend didn’t want to smoke again, which I am fine with. But he was cockblocking me from doing so… or at least temporarily. I lost at cards, probably on purpose so I could get out there faster.  I was partly mad at myself for having so little self-control and partly mad at my boyfriend’s lame attempt to stop me. I know I didn’t need the cigarillo… I didn’t even inhale at all this time, and they tasted so much worse this time so it was clear I was just smoking them for the sake of smoking.

Funny thing is, it was enough to turn me on. The effect is almost instant and has nothing to do with me inhaling or not. What a devilish association I have with smoking and only time will tell if this effect it has on me will transfer to other types of tobacco smoking. So far it is not “brand” specific. I could probably smoke what many fetishists consider to be “short, ugly cork tipped” cigarettes and still be turned on. Regardless, the effect was once again wasted last night. I don’t think I have a true fetish in the clinical sense where I need to smoke to get aroused. But I have to say it is the fastest way to get me in the mood.

I’m still waiting for my pipes to come in, although I am thinking if they don’t arrive today it will be Monday or Tuesday before I get them. Maybe I’ll get them around the same time that find out about the job I had an interview for yesterday. Getting pipes and a job on the same day would be pretty awesome. On that note, I’m off to get some housework done.

Update: Pipes came today which is nice, although I am not sure when the first chance I will have to try them will be. More on the pipes in another post which probably won’t appear until next week.

Pipe Smoking: My Curiousity Grows…

I mentioned in previous posts that I found pipe smoking intriguing, but I’ve never found pipe smoking erotic… at least not until today. And I’m not sure if it is the pipe smoking per se or my boyfriend’s interest in it that was more of a turn-on. See, I really have no desire to see my boyfriend smoke cigarettes. My fetish is most about me or other women smoking and occasionally I see I guy that is smoking that I find attractive. Actually I know that I wouldn’t find it sexy if my boyfriend smoked cigarettes. It just doesn’t suit him.

But today, we were walking down the street and passed a tobacco shop. We peeked inside, not entering and he said something about maybe smoking a pipe. It caught me by surprise, but pleasantly. I said I was interested and had been for a while. He then said it would be something we could do together and I started to get turned-on, just thinking about doing it with him.

I’m not when this will happen, but I’m in no hurry really. I’m just happy he is open to smoking something… and why I have the desire to get him to smoke anything is beyond me. Probably partly to have him understand what I see in tobacco at all. I’m starting to see that there are many facets to my fetish that I previously didn’t see. I almost think I have a thing for the smoke… I guess only time will tell.

An Update of Sorts

Part of the reason I haven’t updated has to to with the fact that I am insanely busy. To go along with the insanely busy, my practicum pretty much consumes all of my thoughts leaving little left over for contemplation regard stuff I talk about here. Truth is, my practicum with its ups and downs has taken the place of my fetish as the drama in my life. I seem to have a need for drama in my life, whether it be self-created internal struggles with the question of to smoke or not to smoke or the externally created dramas of the profession that I have chosen. Lately, my passing desire to smoke has little to do with sexuality and more to do with a way of letting off some steam. Only I never spend excessive amounts of time fantasizing or salivating over actually going through with it like I did almost a year ago. Some might say that I am repressing my desire and that this will be dangerous in the long run. But unlike the past, I am no longer denying myself in the same way. It is hard to explain, since it would probably seem to you, my readers, that as long as I am not smoking I am denying myself. I’m not even sure I can explain it… but something is different than before. I think it has to do with holding a more positive view of what having a fetish like this entails as well as letting myself smoke and experiment when I feel the need to. I’m not sure it is ever in the cards for me to be a full-time smoker. I’m almost positive infact. I keep this tentative using words like “almost” and “not sure” because who knows where life will take me. But as of right now for me to switch from casual/occasional/sporatic smoker to full-time smoker would involve a huge paradigm shift in my mind.

What still goes strong is the fantasy side of the fetish. I’ve written, in my mind, many alternate endings/ continuations to the Strange and Beautiful story. The problem is: I have no time to write any of these down. So for those of you reading that story, I am thinking Christmas will be the next time I have time to sit down and write. Speaking of time… I must get back to my work. I hope all is well with those of you who still read this.

My YouTube Girl Crush and More

I will confess: I watch girls smoke on YouTube. I cannot remember how I discovered searching for smoking videos on YouTube. Probably much the same way I discovered smoking fetish erotica, by stumbling upon in some random search. I tend to be a very picky consumer though. There is tons of crap on YouTube because anyone can put it up and as far as smoking videos go, I really really hate staged, overtly sexual videos. As soon as girls really try to make smoking seem sexy, I think: ewww. I no longer find it sexy. I think this is why I prefer erotica to the videos, because scenes described in stories can play out any way you want them to.

I prefer videos with natural sound and if the girl is interesting and articulate, I like it if they just smoke and talk naturally in the video. I found this girl named Eugenia and developed an instant crush on her. Her YouTube username is fusswhip and I love her because… well the thing is I can’t quite put my finger on it. She’s cute, that is one thing. She reminds me of Ellen Page. I guess there is something I find so sexy about the way she smokes. She occasionally does videos catering to people with the fetish. I’m pretty sure she accidently stumbled upon the community when she posted her first video where she smokes, but I could be wrong. I think part of her appeal is how natural she looks. She rarely is very made-up and even her pure smoking videos are not too staged for me, even though I know she is making a “smoking video”. Lately her post have been more video blog in nature with her smoking and just talking about her life. Her lighting isn’t always that great because she is not set up for it. I would recommend videos, but I think it would be better to just go peruse the collection. Plus, I’m not sure anyone will like her as much as I do. I really, really want her to do a video where she talks about how she started and all those other fun things while smoking. Those for me are the best stories.

Also, if anyone has been reading the one and only story I posted, I posted the third chapter. I’m not sure where to take it from there, but I am slowly but surely working on it. It is pure fluff and the main character has tons of me in it, but I may remind you is completely fictional.

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