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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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fear

Challenge Day 26: Favourite Books

quote___the_alchemist_by_lllrares0ullll-d6k5hrwDay 26: My favourite books

I have lots of favourite books but I only have two that I come back to again and again. I mentioned these in the random facts about me but I don’t think I went into why these books are my favorite.

1. The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo

I first read this in grade 11 when it was assigned as a book study. I ended up reading the book in one night. I found it inspiring, like nothing I had ever read before. I remember I was going through a rough time in my life. I was very depressed due to a combination of factors. My self-esteem was low and I had some of the most self-destructive self-talk which just helped me stay in my negative behavior pattern. The book talks about omens and how life is often trying to tell you through omens what your life’s path is. The book talks a lot about destiny, which I’m not sure I believe in but enough of it rang true that it helped motivate me to slowly start taking action to better my life. I wouldn’t go to the counseling I desperately needed until a year later, but it started the upward crawl toward being happy again. The main ideas of the book are summarized in this blog post written by Paulo Coehlo. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve read this book. I get something different out of it every time I read. Just reading the quotes from the book, this one stuck out as being true in my life right now.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

2. Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card
I first read this book at age of 13. My best friend had just read it and told me I had to read it. I think I like this one because it talks about who we are as people, as humans and puts to question the nature of sentient life and what it means to be sentient, amongst other themes. I think I partially like reading this again and again because the familiarity of the story is soothing.

My favourite quote from this book is:

In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them…. I destroy them.

Those are my two main favourite books. A month of blog posting has gone by fast. I’m already contemplating my next challenge. More on that in the next couple of days.

Meditation: Heart Centered Meditation

Challenge Day 16: Just Let Go?

Today’s questions:  What parts of yourself are you holding onto that no longer are a true part of who you want to be?

Another tough question.

I think it is the part of me that identifies with being a smoker. It was never my full identity, but it was always there. I think it is dying though. I even find it hard to picture myself or fantasize about smoking now. Which in some ways is great, as it reduces my psychological urge to smoke. But in other ways, it is like a part of me that I’ve had for such a long time is dying. It is weird though, my kink is changing. It is still there, but I think it is shifting from being about my own smoking to perhaps just enjoying watching other people.

But I think I’m ready…

I was thinking about this today. Tomorrow, I have a work function where I see my smoker friends from the other site. Normally, this would be a big temptation. Normally, even if I was planning on saying no, I would fantasize about bumming a smoke, smoking with them. This is what I have done for as long as I can remember any time I’m faced with any situation where I might be tempted/ have the opportunity to smoke. It isn’t that I haven’t tried. I tried last night. I couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t feel the desire. I actually didn’t want the cigarette. It was weird, because it is something that I am usually able to call the desire up from inside of me at will. Last night, I even thought I’d have to come up with some new fantasy material.

I’ve never felt like this before. I think this is the first time I’ve actually chosen one side willingly. I’m not living in limbo anymore. It feels nice, albeit a bit scary. Kind of like not wearing a bra. Which I actually did today after watching a random YouTube video where Buzzfeed did a no bras for a week thing with some of their staff. I decided why not and picked a shirt it wouldn’t be too noticable in and went for it. It felt nice. It felt free. And it was a bit scary…

Change is scary. But I think I’m ready…

I might try this braless this again too.

Meditation: Letting Go of an Obsessive Thought

Challenge Day 15: Inside Me

Today’s question: What is a quality you have that you fear?

This is another tough question. I’ve never really thought about it that much. I don’t know if there is any part of myself that I fear any more. I used to fear the part of me that really wanted to smoke cigarettes, I talked about that yesterday. I used to fear my dark side but I’ve made peace with that side of myself. I used to fear my impulsivity, but I realized that fearing it actually made it worse.

Fear is a form of repression. When we fear something we typically avoid or run away from whatever we fear. When we fear a part of ourselves we end up repressing that part of ourselves.

Fearing a part of oneself I think comes from not understanding that part of ourselves. Once you understand that part of yourself, it no longer has power over you.

Meditation: Ground Yourself and Breath into your belly

Where is the love?

I’m currently unemployed. I can no longer call myself a student. I have about $500 in my bank account and I need a job. So what did I do today? Watched YouTube clips and did a whole lot of nothing. I did update my CV and write a few cover letters as well, but sent them no where. Now I don’t need my two degrees to figure out that you actually have to send the resumes out and apply for the jobs if you want to get one. So what is holding me back?

Fear.

That very scary four letter word. I fear rejection. I hate myself for this fear because it means that I am no farther along today, at 26, than I was at 13. Granted- in order to apply many of the jobs I want I need three reference letters to attest to my mad teaching skills, of which I have only two. So far no answer from one of the people I asked which is starting to make me think that it is a NO answer. I can only hope that he is just really busy. Maybe I’ll get an e-mail back by the end of the week with a reference letter attached… or maybe…

Fear.

I can’t let this fear paralyze me anymore or I’m not going to end up where I want to be in life. It is amazing that fear of failure can actually lead to failure itself. By being afraid to apply for jobs, I’m potentially missing out on a lot of opportunities. A lot of jobs. Money that I need for bills. Money that would be nice for some of the smoking exploits I have planned for the New Year. My love affair with tobacco is far from over, only I think I will be branching beyond cigarettes. But those things are the farthest thing from my mind. Well maybe not the farthest thing.

Fear.

Today, watching YouTube clips made me realize the world is a really scary place. I’ll be the first to admit, I kind of live in a bubble, at least as far as news goes. News, for the most part, depresses me. I like living in my bubble. Not turning on the news for me is like drinking away my pain without the drinking. But eventually, everyone catches a bit of news whether they like it or not. I caught my news in a rather unconventional way today. YouTuber: sxephil’s show The Phillip DeFranco Show. He actually is a really funny guy- but as much as he is funny, me and the box I live in, did not know about the Westboro Baptist Church before today. I’m not going to link to their site because I was actually sickened by what they do. They shouldn’t even be able to call themselves Baptist or a Church even- because the Baptist people I know are not hate mongers. In fact, I seem to remember learning the phrase “love thy neighbor” in church. I have some personal issues with organized religion, but I have nothing against people who choose to go to church. In fact, I love discussing religion with people as long as it doesn’t turn into a “let’s try and save you” discussion. I could have used to not know about Westboro.

The next thing that came up was this: Heroin For Dummies. What a ridiculous idea! Flyers that inform junkies on proper injection methods should they choose not to take the advice of the rest of the pamphlet and quit smack. So wait… woah- hold on! We (meaning society) demonize smokers for using a legal substance. We restrict use. Ban smoking in public places, and yet are willing to spend money to print pamphlets that instruct on proper use of an illegal, highly addictive drug. A drug that is far more likely to ruin your life than tobacco. Sure, the pamphlet was for existing users or people at risk. I can’t think of a worse thing to give someone at risk for using heroin. So you are thinking of using heroin- first part of pamphlet: please don’t, there is help, second part of pamphlet- here’s how to start your smack addiction safely. It is akin to having instructions inside a pack of cigarettes on how to inhale properly, along with the info they provide on where to find help to quit. Sigh…

Here is a link to the full pamphlet which admittedly gives a lot of good information on how not to die from a heroin overdose. But I’m still think step 10- get help for your addiction should have come first.

So where is this little depressing rant going? Tomorrow (rather later today) is a new day. I’m going to make a resolution to have more positive outlook tomorrow instead of quitting before I’ve even started. Someone at my practicum always said, “You can’t receive a “yes” answer if you never ask”. Well- same applies to jobs. I can’t get a job unless I start applying for them.

Tomorrow: fear.

I hope. And hope is something I always have, even when the hate and the stupid gets me down.

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