Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Challenge Day 16: Just Let Go?

Today’s questions:  What parts of yourself are you holding onto that no longer are a true part of who you want to be?

Another tough question.

I think it is the part of me that identifies with being a smoker. It was never my full identity, but it was always there. I think it is dying though. I even find it hard to picture myself or fantasize about smoking now. Which in some ways is great, as it reduces my psychological urge to smoke. But in other ways, it is like a part of me that I’ve had for such a long time is dying. It is weird though, my kink is changing. It is still there, but I think it is shifting from being about my own smoking to perhaps just enjoying watching other people.

But I think I’m ready…

I was thinking about this today. Tomorrow, I have a work function where I see my smoker friends from the other site. Normally, this would be a big temptation. Normally, even if I was planning on saying no, I would fantasize about bumming a smoke, smoking with them. This is what I have done for as long as I can remember any time I’m faced with any situation where I might be tempted/ have the opportunity to smoke. It isn’t that I haven’t tried. I tried last night. I couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t feel the desire. I actually didn’t want the cigarette. It was weird, because it is something that I am usually able to call the desire up from inside of me at will. Last night, I even thought I’d have to come up with some new fantasy material.

I’ve never felt like this before. I think this is the first time I’ve actually chosen one side willingly. I’m not living in limbo anymore. It feels nice, albeit a bit scary. Kind of like not wearing a bra. Which I actually did today after watching a random YouTube video where Buzzfeed did a no bras for a week thing with some of their staff. I decided why not and picked a shirt it wouldn’t be too noticable in and went for it. It felt nice. It felt free. And it was a bit scary…

Change is scary. But I think I’m ready…

I might try this braless this again too.

Meditation: Letting Go of an Obsessive Thought


Cigarette Fantasies- The Sequel

Although I do not really have time to write an extended post, I feel as though I need to comment on last nights events. For more background, you might want to read the first Cigarette Fantasies post where I was first introduced to Hot Cousin. I saw Hot Cousin rather unexpectedly last night. Right now, I am pretty much overworked and really feel no desire to do said work so it wasn’t too hard for my two ex-roommates to convince me to come over to their house for some drinks and some games.

As we made our approach to the gates of the condo complex, we see my roommate’s boyfriend and Hot Cousin standing at the gate. I saw the cloud of smoke from Hot Cousin’s beautiful exhale before I realized who it was. It was my fantasy from so many months ago come true. Hot Cousin was smoking cigarettes again. Guys smoking is hit or miss for me. Sometimes it turns me on, but most often guys do not have the style I crave. They rarely smoke the cigarette like they love it and often just smoke it like they are trying to get the job done. For a guy to mesmerize me with their smoking, there has to be certain amount of romance to their smoking. They have to really look like they love it. Hot Cousin is quite good at this. He channels cool black and white movie stars of the past and you can tell he is unashamed of his smoking and that he loves it just by the way he inhales and exhales.

Hot Cousin is the real life embodiment of the character Drew from Strange and Beautiful. At least his smoking style is…

Of course, this has sent me into fantasies along the lines of going out at buying cigarettes for myself. What stops me now, is that smoking often is never as good in real life as I make it out to be in my fantasies. Or more importantly- how good I remember it to be from back when I was 18. I’ve had more adverse effects in my past year of experimentation that, no matter how strong my fetish cravings are, I fear I have made myself sick a few too many times to actually want to smoke cigarettes in real life. As far as my health goes, it is probably a good thing that my sense of self-preservation has kicked in. But, the other part of me is sad that I cannot indulge sporadically without sickness- at least not beyond a few puffs here or there.

I still plan on exploring other smoking options- ones that do not necessarily involve inhaling. I’m not sure they will have the same fetish allure that cigarettes have for me, but- the idea of still being able to play with smoke, exhale it- appeals to me. And on that note, I am making myself get back to work. In another two weeks I will start working on a new chapter of Strange and Beautiful. The story ideas are all in my head, I just need the time to write them down.

Cigarette Fantasies

I knew that my desire had never really gone away- but the way it came back was completely unpredictable. I was on holidays with my roommate, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s cousin. The cousin- well he was hot so from here on I will refer to him as “the Hot Cousin”. If I had been single- I would have totally been into him. We chatted about lots of thing and somehow I brought up the train and how when I took my train trip across Canada we usually hung out in the smoking car/observation car because you couldn’t smell people’s B.O. that way. From there, we went on to complain about smoking bans, neither of us admitting to smoking at this point. At this point- I thought he was a triathlon-doing, non-smoker.

We went into to town from our little cabin and went out for dinner. At dinner- Hot Cousin commented on the fact that a lot of people around town were smoking. So Roommate asks, “Have you quit, I haven’t seen you go out for one yet?” to which Roommate’s Boyfriend answers, “He quit because of the Triathlon he is doing, although that never stopped him before.” Hot Cousin nods and Roommate asks, “Do you think you will start up again after the triathlon?” and he said , “Probably.” She then asked him why he would start again after taking the trouble to quit. To which Hot Cousin utters the words that had me drooling over him for the rest of the weekend, “Because I like to smoke.” She wrongfully assumed that this had to do with the nicotine and suggested he get one of those nicotine inhalers, to which I interject and say, “It’s not the same.” Hot Cousin nods, and affirms this by saying, “I like the feeling of inhaling, watching the smoke come out when I exhale.” I now checked my mouth to see if drool was actually coming out. That’s when the cigarette fantasies started again. Nothing like a beautiful boy professing his love of smoking to get the ball rolling again.

We watched Pineapple Express- the ultimate stoner movie. Actually- Seth Rogan does some pretty wicked snap inhales. Somehow- not really surprisingly this got us talking about smoking again.Apparently the real reason why Hot Cousin had quit smoking is that he has no weed. So Hot Cousin apparently likes his tobacco best mixed with a little marijuana. He said it was like mixing his two favorite things in the world and that he doesn’t really like to smoke either on their own. Now I am not a huge marijuana fan, but I was intrigued by this since I have never tried it. I’ve had both things on their own, but never together. I think what I dislike about marijuana is that because it is illegal, quality is always variable which means that the same amount of weed smoked does not always get you as high. Or you could completely incapacitate yourself with very little of a good product. But you never really know what you have until you’ve smoked it. Cigarettes, because they are regulated- despite brand differences are a very consistent product. Regardless, at this point in our weekend, we had neither tobacco nor weed.

The next day was spent skiing and fantasizing about smoking. Or at least that is what I was doing on the chairlift. I know the others were hoping that Roommate’s Sister would bring some marijuanacrossjoint when she came and she delivered. So that evening- after a day of skiing some weed was smoked. It wasn’t very good and all it did was make me crave a cigarette even more. Hot Cousin kept muttering his disappointment of not having any tobacco to mix with the weed as he rolled the cross joint. I kept fantasizing about how if he had said tobacco, I’d ask him to roll me just a plain cigarette. Especially since the weed was not very good, why have it mess with perfectly good tobacco? Part of this affirmed my fetish for cigarettes. I mean weed is just as dangerous, you still smoke it- inhaling probably worse crud into your lungs since there is no filter and it is illegal. I do enjoy watching the exhales almost as much. But did it turn me on? Nope. Not even a little. Seeing Hot Cousin inhale and exhale off of the cross joint, just sent me into fantasies about him doing the same to a cigarette. His style with a joint was not bad, so under the influence of the weed my mind wandered into cigarette fantasies.

I think that part of the reason why it does not turn me on as much is that the social taboo is not the same despite the fact that pot is illegal. There is a little a bit of a social taboo, but it is different. People still find ways to try and justify their pot smoking, saying stuff like it is not as bad as smoking cigarettes as if cigarettes are the mark of something that is bad for you. I mean the majority of time in health class is devoted to preventing you from smoking cigarettes probably because they are more readily available. Even amongst my pretty straight laced friends, marijuana use is more “okay” than cigarette use. The only exception to that is my boyfriend who sees marijuana as infinitely worse as it is illegal. Like my roommate for example- asking Hot Cousin why he doesn’t just stay quit- citing many of the “quit smoking” aids available, and yet she openly wishes she could find a marijuana dealer so she can get high more often. Tobacco smoking is seen as something “to be quit” whereas pot smoking is seen as “recreational” or “medicinal”. Marijuana is less physically addictive and less people go on to habitually use it like cigarettes so I think this is where people start pointing the finger at cigarettes being “bad”.

All and all it was a great holiday though… it was just one that at many times had me wishing I had stopped off and picked up a fresh pack of cigarettes. At start of the holiday this had not occurred to me. Actually- I am just getting over being sick, and with my cough I was unsure of how the even the pot smoke would feel. I was scared I would hack up a lung. But amazingly- nothing of the sort happened… I guess I understand slightly better now how smoker continue to smoke through colds, coughs and the like. I think I will spend the rest of today contemplating acting on some of my cigarette fantasies. I’m just worried that they are too good to be true…


I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my partner recently. He doesn’t know about my fetish and we’ve been together for almost four years now. I’m starting to feel like I need to tell him. I know that keeping this secret is not a good thing and more recently I’ve realized how ingrained it is in me. I mean it was always there, whether I was consciously contemplating it or not. Even if I am not thinking about it, when I’ve forced myself not to fantasize, all it takes is seeing someone out on the street or watching someone in a movie to bring me back. I guess I never thought about telling him before because I had never really accepted myself that it was here to stay. I thought that maybe once I was in a relationship, I would no longer need the fantasies that kept me company during my single years. Of course, it turns out I was wrong. In fact, my most unattainable fantasy involves my boyfriend smoking, which would of course never happen since he is very anti.

For better or for worse, I feel like I am going to have to tell him- lest I let it eat away at my insides, racking me with guilt over with holding a part of myself from someone I love. He’ll either not be able to get over it or accept me with it. But even if he accepts me, I know that based on his current attitude toward smoking- my fantasies will stay just that- fantasies. This might be fine, since I will not know what I am missing and maybe nothing could live up to the fantasies I have built in my head. But what if it isn’t enough? I guess it is good we have some time apart so that I can think on this. Mull things over in my head, as usual, before I do anything.

This will be a short post, since I have much to do to prepare for Christmas. I probably won’t post any new entries until after Christmas- but I will have time to check comments and reply to those. Happy Holidays Everyone and All The Best in the New Year!

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