Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Day 19: Reflections on Health

Nothing of note happened yesterday, other than the realization that, on the whole, I need to take better care of myself. I woke up anxious yesterday and I realized I would have missed feeling that if I had still been using. Perhaps it would have been one of those mornings where I couldn’t pump enough nicotine in me to make the anxiety go away.

Why was I anxious? It is unclear really, but I suspect based on what day it was it was the beginning of my premenstrual phase, so colloquially: PMS. I suffer from pretty bad PMS and I’ve never really done anything about it. My PMS is bad enough sometimes that I can’t wait to start my period again, because that means the mood swings are over, at least for a little while. Today, I woke up feeling OK. Tomorrow, who knows? Once I’ve got 30 days off nicotine under my belt, I’m going to start making small changes in my lifestyle to hopefully help with this as well as better track where my mood is at so I’m not randomly flying off the handle at my husband.

We slept in today, I got up with the dog and came back to bed and fell back asleep. When I  did, I had a weird dream. I was in New York for a friend’s bacherlorette party. It was getting pretty wild and we were riding in twos in chariots pulled by horses and we were seated backwards. My childhood friend pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights up. I ask her for one, she starts to give me one and I tell her no, I don’t want one. I think it is the first time I’ve turned down a cigarette in a dream. I’m starting to think I’m really done with smoking.

Yesterday, I also gave away all of my nicotine juice. I couldn’t bear to throw it out and even though I trust myself with it, I didn’t want it to go to waste. I picked up Bowden’s Mate from the post office in 0 mg. I had ordered it as a reward to myself for making it this far. It is by far my favourite juice. I’m half considering stocking up in case it dies with the FDA ruling. I mean I found some clone recipes to make my own, but now that I vape so much less than I did before, I’m not sure I need to go that route.

Now it is time to do some garden work. Have a brilliant day everyone!


Day 13: Hungover but only from the booze

Went out for my friend’s birthday last night. Like mentioned  before, we went to a nightclub with bottle service. I don’t drink very often anymore but about once or twice a year I will overdo it like I did last night. I’m feeling the effects today, but thankfully good old fashioned Gatorade is rehydrating me nicely.

Anyhow, if you’ve been following the blog for awhile, you’ll be aware of my pattern of drinking then smoking. I remember looking forward to events where I might be able to indulge. My friend even has smoker friends. They don’t know that I smoke or have smoked.  Normally that would have started a cascade of plotting moments to go smoke with them.

But none of that transpired. Normally,  I’d feel sad, envious and maybe a touch left out when smokers leave me behind but I felt nothing this time. I didn’t even feel so much as a craving. It was weird actually. I had a slight urge to vape nicotine when my energy levels started to tank (fatigue trigger) but it passed quickly. This morning, I’ve noticed that despite having consumed a lot of alcohol I have the least bad hangover that I’ve had since starting to consistently smoke or use nicotine when drinking.

I had a dream this morning that I was smoking a cigarette. It was also unlike every other dream I’ve ever had about smoking. In every other dream, since I was a child, I’m smoking like a seasoned regular smoker. My earliest dream of this variety started when I was 6,  where I’d be kidnapped and forced to smoke always returned to my parents with the need to smoke. In this dream, I’m smoking the cigarette but I’m not inhaling. I’ve never smoked a cigarette this way in real life.

What does this mean? I’m not sure but I’m feeling more and more confident that I am done with smoking. It feels liberating in many ways, to not have that longing anymore. Nothing to suppress. I hope this means I’m free.

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