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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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desire

An Update of Sorts

Part of the reason I haven’t updated has to to with the fact that I am insanely busy. To go along with the insanely busy, my practicum pretty much consumes all of my thoughts leaving little left over for contemplation regard stuff I talk about here. Truth is, my practicum with its ups and downs has taken the place of my fetish as the drama in my life. I seem to have a need for drama in my life, whether it be self-created internal struggles with the question of to smoke or not to smoke or the externally created dramas of the profession that I have chosen. Lately, my passing desire to smoke has little to do with sexuality and more to do with a way of letting off some steam. Only I never spend excessive amounts of time fantasizing or salivating over actually going through with it like I did almost a year ago. Some might say that I am repressing my desire and that this will be dangerous in the long run. But unlike the past, I am no longer denying myself in the same way. It is hard to explain, since it would probably seem to you, my readers, that as long as I am not smoking I am denying myself. I’m not even sure I can explain it… but something is different than before. I think it has to do with holding a more positive view of what having a fetish like this entails as well as letting myself smoke and experiment when I feel the need to. I’m not sure it is ever in the cards for me to be a full-time smoker. I’m almost positive infact. I keep this tentative using words like “almost” and “not sure” because who knows where life will take me. But as of right now for me to switch from casual/occasional/sporatic smoker to full-time smoker would involve a huge paradigm shift in my mind.

What still goes strong is the fantasy side of the fetish. I’ve written, in my mind, many alternate endings/ continuations to the Strange and Beautiful story. The problem is: I have no time to write any of these down. So for those of you reading that story, I am thinking Christmas will be the next time I have time to sit down and write. Speaking of time… I must get back to my work. I hope all is well with those of you who still read this.

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To Boldly go? Not yet…

Plenty of contradiction going on in my brain right now. As much as I hoped the peace would last, it did not. Essentially I am almost right back where I started, but I understand myself a lot better now. What do I truly desire? I think I actually truly desire to be a smoker as illogical as that is. Even though the process of becoming one would involve sickness (as it already has) and coming out to all of my friends (many of whom would probably suggest the many ways I can quit). No one would understand.  I know what I don’t want. I do not want to keep smoking in the closet. There is too much stress involved and frankly the stress ruins the experience.

I just recently saw the new Star Trek movie which I highly recommend. I’m no Trekkie although I think it is just because I never really sat down and watched episodes in succession. Whether or not I am a Trekkie really isn’t the point. The movie got me thinking about logic though- particularly because of Spock’s struggle in the movie between his logical Vulcan side and his emotional human side. In the movie, Spock feels like he has to pick a side and feels conflicted as to what side he should pick. Logically- it makes sense, pick his Vulcan side. But his emotional attachment to his mother, means that as logical as Spock can be, he retains a bit of his humanness and is unable to forsake his heritage. I guess I identified with that since that seems to be what I always come back to. The logical choice of not smoking, and the illogical but infinitely more attractive option of giving in. At least it seems more attractive on days like today where the thought of a cigarette sends makes me salivate like one of Pavlov’s Dogs. 

Cravings like this are fairly unpredictable. I’ve had them before and to be quite honest I’m not sure how I did not give in today. I mean I had cigarettes on me, a lighter. I’ve only ever resisted this type of craving in the absence of cigarettes. I mean I was sitting in the library trying to study, practically shaking. I guess that is why I am afraid of addiction because in some ways I almost feel like I am already there. I guess I’m still not willing to relinquish my last shards of self-control. Today, for once, I was not trying to prove I have self-control although that might be how it seems. You know what motivated me not to smoke? Social reasons. I still care entirely too much about what people think and about getting caught by people I know.  Sigh… I read this interesting blog about cravings.  I’m not sure I underestimate mine. I think one day I’m going to crack. In some ways, I hope I do soon.

Peace at last?

I pose that as a question, because I know, as with past experience, there will come a time when I will need to explore this side of myself again. Which side you might ask? The smoking side… What has changed is that the two sides of myself are no longer doing battle. They have drawn up a sort of a truce- where neither one is being suppressed. Suppressing the desire, only made me want to smoke more. There is no peace in that. I constantly feared that I would become hopelessly addicted if I yielded to that side of myself, but I know now those fears were unfounded. Sure, I took a chance, I played with fire- but I discovered something about myself that I might have never discovered had I not taken the risk.

I discovered that I am far more enamored with the fantasy of smoking, than I am with actually doing it. I enjoy doing it while I am doing it- but more often than not I end up making myself sick. The problem is- it is fairly unpredictable. It is not like at the beginning where the affects of smoking overwhelmed me and I could sort of tell when I had pushed myself over the edge. Now- I can smoke a whole cigarette, feel perfectly fine and dandy while doing it and almost an hour or half hour later a wave of nausea will hit and bam I’m sick. It is awful, because I can’t predict it at all. At least at the beginning when I would overdo it, I felt it right away. I used to want to conquer smoking, but I have realized that to do so, I have to become a full-fledged smoker. To do that- I have to endure nausea, which is probably one of my most hated feelings in the world.

To cut a long-story short- I always said that if smoking ceased to be pleasurable, I would stop doing it because if I am not getting any pleasure out of it, what is the point? At this point in my life, I am not willing to make the sacrifices needed to become a full-fledged smoker. I’m not going to stop myself from smoking if the want ever arises again. If anything, I have found that just makes me want it more. But for now, I’m not sure I will finish the last 10 cigarettes in my pack. I was thinking of telling my boyfriend about the past few months of smoking and then destroying the remains of the pack together. But as sick as the cigarettes make me, I think I might hang on to this pack as a souvenir of sorts of this time in my life… I think I am almost too emotionally attached to destroy them, but I don’t have much, if any, desire to smoke them either. I’ve pretty much decided that if I smoke again, I want a new pack as this one is far too old.

I have gained so much over the past couple of months-and I want to thank all of you who have contributed. I never thought that giving into my desire would be the answer. Thanks for helping me wade through the various facets of both my desire to smoke and my fetish. This is not really goodbye, as I am sure that I will have more smoking related things to talk about, not to mention I’m not sure the desire to smoke has left me forever. But in some ways, I do feel like I have a bit of closure. So I guess you could say- I have peace… for now.

Giving in and Feeling Good…

I wasn’t going to smoke today. Mainly because it was really cold out but as the day wore on and the temperature got warmer I couldn’t put the thought out of my head. So I figured- what the hell. I’m not going to get any work done sitting here thinking about it.

I only smoked about 3/4 of the cigarette- I still have fears of overdoing it and I enjoy the pleasant buzz but no longer “high” that allows me to concentrate better. I’m positive I’m not imagining that effect. What is more is as the effects become more subtle- I notice the other, more sensual effect smoking has on me that much more. That is an interesting development to say the least and not an effect that I anticipated.

I have a feeling I will be forced into making some choices very soon… sigh. For now I will enjoy and use this moment of blissful concentration.

A good one and a bad one…

I guess I got a bit carried away on my first cigarette after my few weeks of abstaining and made myself sick. What is awful is I can’t even tell I have gone too far until it is far too late. It is in those moments that I question it all. Why I even have any desire to smoke at all. I question my sanity a little when I start thinking about how even though I have made myself sick I would do it again. Anyone in their right mind would quit trying if they had made themselves sick as many times as I have, but I guess there is this part of me that wants to concur it. It is a dichotomy of walking the line between concurring and yielding.

I didn’t give up though. I decided I would smoke again the next day, but because I had gotten sick the day before, I was so much more tentative. Almost too much so- I didn’t even get the full affect of the cigarette. I mean the effects were still pleasant, but much more subtle and manageable. I had been feeling slightly nauseous and very tired all day and it was amazing the difference that one cigarette made. I didn’t make the connection until I felt much better after smoking. It reminded me of the time that I unknowingly got addicted to green tea and happened to not have any for almost a whole day. I had a splitting headache and I couldn’t study so I decided to grab a green tea. My headache seemed to melt away.

I wanted to again yesterday but didn’t. I even made plans to, but decided against it. Actually- part of the reason was that I ended up taking an afternoon nap which is somewhat uncommon for me.

I’m still pretty conflicted. Part of me wants to experiment with smoking at least on a once daily basis for a bit and the other part of me refuses to even consider it. That is the part of me that was a bit too happy when I made myself sick again. I plotted to smoke again this morning- but it is far too cold outside for it to be enjoyable. So I have scrapped that plan as well. Also, I think if I do plan on taking the plunge with experimenting with a cigarette a day- I will need to tell my boyfriend before I do. I think the stress and guilt of keeping it from him would eventually eat away at me. And right now- I’m not sure how I will tell him.

But, my pile of work awaits me… maybe I’ll write more on this later. Until next time…

Completely Normal and yet not…

So after much contemplation, I broke down and decided I was going to smoke. I told my roommate that I was going out to buy groceries and then maybe to go read at a coffee shop since I could not concentrate at home, which is partially true. I never did come back with the groceries though. I grabbed an extra jacket (because I didn’t want my everyday one to smell like smoke) and hopped into my car. I drove past quite a few places I could have purchased cigarettes and decided on the gas station I always buy gas at on my way out of the city. The clerk ID’d me and seemed almost as nervous about the prospect of me buying cigarettes as I was. He didn’t really know what brand I was looking for (I had to direct him to it). I decided on Benson and Hedges Menthols- 100s of course. I decided that as easy as the Matinees are to smoke, I really hated not seeing anything come out (or hardly anything) and I wanted the full visual affect since being outside makes the smoke clouds less pretty anyways. Plus- I wanted this time to be good since I do not know when the next time I will get to do this will come.

After making my purchase, I drove around in the neighborhood near where I bought the cigarettes. I was looking for a small park, with a bench. Somewhere where I could quietly sit and enjoy my cigarette without much traffic. I found one or at least I thought I had. I parked my car and as I walked toward the place I picked when I realized it was actually a cemetery. So I decided that was a little inappropriate but found a suitable location near by. It was a nice little bench atthe top of the hill away from the street. I walked up and brushed off the snow from the bench and sat down. I took out my cigarettes put one in my mouth and lit up as if it were something I did all the time. It felt surprisingly natural. I guess when you fantasize and dream about something so much it shouldn’t be so surprising that it would feel completely normal. I didn’t feel anything for the first few puffs. I think I was kind of in a state of disbelief that I was doing something I had literally craved doing for months, maybe even years. I wasn’t necessarily craving it tonight, but I wanted to do it.

By about third puff I started to feel a wave of calmness wash over me. All the anxiety that I had experienced from purchasing the cigarettes washed away. I felt at peace. For the first time in months my brain was not telling me or thinking, “I want a cigarette”- because I was having one. It was such an odd experience. It was both completely normal and yet not at the same time. What also surprised me was the ease at which I smoked the entire thing. I kept testing myself with longer drags, deeper inhales and I was impressed that I almost smoked the cigarette to the filter. I think it was the first cigarette I’ve smoked where I’ve felt like I looked like a smoker and something about that pleased me. I think it took me about fifteen minutes to smoke the whole thing and I did feel a bit light headed by the end- but not so much so that I couldn’t drive (or felt like wretching). I decided that I probably shouldn’t go home right away since the smell would be pretty fresh on my pants and hands and I wanted to just go and sit somewhere.

I pulled into the Tim Hortons and ordered a meal. I figured I should eat since I hadn’t in a long time. That is where I noticed the appetite suppressing effect of nicotine. I wasn’t really that hungry, even though I knew I should be. I sat and ate my meal and read my textbook. Another side effect- I was actually able to concentrate on my reading. I sat there for about an hour reading- not really thinking about anything else (except for the occasional- wow my mind has not wandered thought). There were some negatives- my food didn’t taste as good. And I felt really cold after, probably because my circulation is so shitty in the first place. This could also be because I had to sit outside in the cold for 15 minutes to smoke the cigarette, but I have a feeling it is partially due to the effect of nicotine on the circulatory system. All reasons I still don’t want to smoke regularly- since I really like tasting my food, not smelling like smoke and do not really like feeling colder than I normally do. This was like a full body cold whereas my extremities are usually the only thing that is cold. My resting heart rate staying high for many hours after- I think it was still much higher than usual before I went to bed so I could not deny to myself the negative effects it has on my health, even after just one.

I do not regret doing it. I think what made this time different is that I was fully aware of what I was doing and what it meant to me. Also, I think it confirmed that I do have a psychological addiction or fixation on smoking based on the relief I felt after I did it. The relief was purely psychological since I am not physically addicted. Another thing I noticed is that even though I picked a relatively secluded location- it didn’t bother me as much when people walked by. I know that the first few times I tried smoking I was almost mortified at the thought of someone catching me, even if it was someone I didn’t know. A guy ran right by me and I really didn’t think anything of it. The only thing I thought, and here is the non-smoker runner coming out in me, I’m sorry he has to smell my smoke as he runs. I did not feel bad about it, only I could see myself in his shoes, huffing and puffing running up the hill, cursing the person who is smoking. Only- if I were the person running, I’d probably be slightly jealous in a similar situation.

As for whether I will do it again- I think there is no question in my mind that I will. That is another thing that is different about this time. Previous attempts I quelled my fears by telling myself I would just have one or a few and that is it. This time I am fully aware of the power smoking, the act, my psychological drive to do it, has on me that I know I’m not going to have just one. Having them handy means I will not have to spend time planning to buy them, which was often how I spent much of my time. Having my own cigarettes means I will not have to worry, as I did before, about the next time I smoke since it can be whenever I choose. The only thing I will have to worry about as MisterT alluded to before is my cigarettes going stale before I’ve had a chance to smoke them all.

Instead of caving in, I…

I think I left the last post off by saying I did smoke again. I did- but I never bought cigarettes again. I mainly smoked when I was drinking and only about one a year. Unfortunately, throughout that whole time I’ve been fighting the urge to start smoking. I’m sure some people might find that weird, but I think it make sense for me considering how long I have been obsessed with it. I think it has something to do with the fetish- since I find it sexually attractive that I might want to do it myself.  I wish I could quit both- the fetish and the obsession with starting smoking. Neither are healthy despite the fact that neither will give me cancer, make me smell etc. I was thinking that maybe hypnosis or something like that might help. The fetish is so ingrained in me that I don’t know that it is something I can consciously beat. I’ve tried not thinking about smoking that way but it last about as long as until I see another person light up. I concurrently am turned on, repulsed and want to start smoking.

This morning was bad. My craving to go out and buy cigarettes distracted me throughout my class. I had devised all these elaborate plans about purchasing said cigarettes and smoking them after class. Not that you really need an elaborate plan for such a thing. But I do, since part of me is disgusted by that side of me. If you have read the leaked chapters of Stephenie Meyer’s Midnight Sun which is Twilight from Edward’s point of view- I liken it to the first time Edward smells Bella and she is the most delicious thing that he has ever smelled. He spends that whole class devising elaborate plans to kill Bella. He is discusted with himself that he would even think about killing a human (since he doesn’t eat human anymore) and calls himself a monster. He never eats Bella. Well that was me this morning in my class- except I spent a whole class making plans to smoke. And I never did smoke. So both Edward Cullen and I have something in common. We were both tormented by something we really desired and resisted. Only, if I’m lucky, I’m not going to fall in love with the cigarettes.

Instead of carrying out said elaborate plan I went to my next class and did everything in my power to distract myself. It worked and instead of smoking- I went and watching my friend shave his head for cancer. A far healthier and more productive activity. I wish I could stop wanting it though. With all my heart.

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