Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Challenge Day 18: Joyful memories

Describe a memory: Think back to childhood to the most clear joyful, playful memory you have – whether it’s with a friend, a toy or playing a game. How did you feel? Can you think of a way of bringing that emotion into your life now?

I have a few. They all involve being outside, frolicking in nature. I’ve always liked being outside. I made my mom camp all the way across Canada as a kid because I love being outside. My mom hates camping. I was eleven, so I’m sure she could have said no to me.

My first joyful memories of being outside are swimming in the lake at my aunt’s cabin. One summer, my friend and I practically lived in the lake. It was a neat place because my mom could just let me wander around the ‘neighborhood’ (really just a bunch of dirt roads with cabins) with my friend unsupervised and it was totally safe. Most of the time, she knew where to find me. I was at the lake with my best friend. I loved going there. We went every other summer from when I was 5 to when I was 14.

My next memories involve walking home from school with my two best school friends. We would walk through the park home, every day. One time in the spring, the creek was melting and I remember we ‘surfed’ on the ice floats. It was probably a bit dangerous, but I guess that is what made it exciting. It was so much fun.

Around the same age, perhaps a bit younger, I remembered that my friend and I found this ‘mud cave’. It was just an area in the land where water had eroded out a ‘cave’. It was sooo muddy, we came back covered in mud. About a week later, my friend came over again and my  mom said, “Don’t get all muddy, okay?”. I think this is the first time I willfully disobeyed my mother. I said ok, knowing that we were definitely going to the cave. It was fun. My mom was disappointed, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I think isn’t much different than when my dog decides she is going to lie in a mud puddle.

I guess I’m a bit of a risk taker. A bit of an adrenaline junkie. I love the rush. I think that I get the same joy/ some of the danger from trail running and hiking. Trail running gives you the rush from running and I get to enjoy the beauty of nature. Hiking it is the thrill of being so far from civilization. The rush of amazing views after a hard climb.

I think that I tried to get this feeling from smoking, then vaping. I worked at first, but then tolerance happened. Then it was mostly about relieving the anxiety of withdrawal. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to smoke. I had the opportunity to smoke what used to be my favorite type of cigarettes yesterday. Menthols. Cigarettes you can no longer buy in my province. The thing is, I didn’t want to. I didn’t get this far to ruin it with a quick thrill. In the past, I would have said no- not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t want anyone to know that I wanted to. My co-workers all know about my smoking/vaping. So I actually didn’t want to smoke. No desire again.

I think I’ll stick to my healthy ways of getting rushes in my life. They don’t come with strings attached.

Meditation: The Tree


Smoking and Yoga

This morning, when I was reading through my tag surfer I found this blog entry on how smoking is like yoga. He does an excellent job of comparing the two. I actually had this thought a couple of weeks ago during my yoga class when I was practicing ujjayi breathing. For some reason as I was posed in downward facing dog, consciously focusing on my breath- I thought of other activities that require a focus on breathing. During most other activities, we do not think of our breathing. During most of the day- we do not think of our breathing. But during both yoga and smoking- you must consciously think of your breath to get the most of the activity.

He starts his post by saying:

“It invokes resentment and awe with the same intensity.”

I actually never thought of yoga as being that “taboo” but if you do search for the “Dangers of Yoga” and you’ll find websites like I think it depends on your background. No one I know thinks of yoga this way. My friend who is christian comes to yoga class with me and I am pretty sure she is not going to backslide into “New Age” practices just because she likes doing yoga. And it is already too late for me to be “saved”. I will say that people either love yoga or they hate it. He also mentions that smoking is cheaper in the short run and I think this depends on how much you smoke and where you live. Where I live- a pack of cigarettes is anywhere between $10-11 a pack, so if you are smoking a pack a day- it is not a habit for the poor. A yoga class costs anywhere from $10-15 a class, until you know enough about it to practice on your own. You could buy a yoga tape too- but I find that the atmosphere of the yoga studio is more conducive to a better practice.

Ironically, I skipped my yoga class last night in favor of smoking a cigarette. It was a good one too. I am getting a little braver with my smoking. I still leave the neighborhood, but I no longer try and hide. Last night, I drove to a different community and went for a walk. I always forget that normal people do not really take notice of smokers as much as people with the fetish. I mean lots of people saw me smoke last night but it wasn’t like their eyes popped out of their head. I also think that the cigarettes are much more enjoyable when I am less anxious about them. Next week- it will be back to yoga class for me. I cannot waste all the money I paid on getting a pass to the place.

I think today will be my last smoking day for the week. My roommate just asked me to drive her to the bus depot, so I have the perfect excuse to leave the house for another indulgence. Then I will proceed with a week of not smoking to see how much I miss it. I don’t suspect I will miss it physically but more psychologically since that is where my drive to smoke comes from.

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