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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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closet smoking

Ok, one more, just to be sure

I smoked again today. This will actually be my last for a bit because I threw the last four cigarettes in the pack in the garbage. One- they were starting to go stale and two- smoking today after a 48 hour hiatus, even though I had an intense craving to do so, didn’t feel great. It felt ok. I recorded a video, but deleted it because I look tired and haggered in the video. I found the sight of myself smoking didn’t live up to the fantasy. It never does.

Also, sneaking a cigarette in my backyard is so not my fantasy. I hate closet smoking. I hate sneaking around. I think part of what made smoking so fun on my trip is that I was doing it openly. People probably thought I was a regular smoker, except when we were sharing cigarettes. But I don’t want that full time. It was fun in the short term, but I’ve smoked enough in the past 8 days to tire of it.

Not surprisingly, my cravings have all but disappeared since throwing the pack out. The psychological burden of keeping the cigarettes was the ponderance: Maybe I’ll smoke one more, finish the pack, nobody has to know. Turns out I don’t actually want the last 4 but I probably would have smoked them because I had them.

Hopefully I’ll have some time to work on my fiction. My Fiction that does live up to my fantasies. Until next time happy smoking or not, whatever you choose.

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A smoking excursion…

I’m currently at a week long conference for work with my fellow occasional closet smoking co-worker. Needless to say, it was always the plan to buy and share a pack this week and I’m enjoying it thoroughly. It is day three of the conference. The first night we only split one cigarette, the next day we shared two and each had a whole one in the evening and we repeated the same smoking today. My body remembers quickly how to respond and I’m already feeling regular urges to respond.

In the past, I would have found these alarming or fear inducing. But now I simply see cravings as the associated cost of indulging and I honor them willingly. My coworker seems to want to smoke on a similar schedule which is nice.

We chatted about how neither of us wants to return to smoking with any regularity, but enjoy indulging a few times a year.

We are also enjoying smoking menthols, something we can no longer buy in Canada. We chose Marlboro Ice, the new Marlboros in the resealable pack. We both find them to be a nice, easy to smoke cigarette.

Tonight’s cigarette was pure bliss. I find during these indulgent days where I smoke somewhat regularly for a few days, the cigarettes toward the end of the week are always better because not only do I still get a bit of a buzz due to lack of tolerance, but I start to crave more strongly and the cigarette hits the spot.

One more full day of smoking. I’m not sure if we will smoke on Friday at all since it is our travel day and it would probably be best not to as we will both be going back to our non-smoking lives soon. For now, I will just smoke em’ while I got them.

Today is why one should never be a closet smoker

I didn’t know my roommate was going to be home today and nobody knows I’ve been smoking. Not regularly, but enough that I really want to right now and can’t.

Runs off to do relaxation and mindfulness exercises.

Don’t do it kids. Don’t start smoking. It is both wonderful and terrible at the same time.

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