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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

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cigarette smoking

The Nature of Beast: The Danger of Letting Things Slide

 I was doing so well, but alas I have a cycle to repeat. Or so it seems… This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten cravings nor will it be my last. I find my cravings are worse when I’ve let other things slide in my life. I stopped tracking food, mostly because I felt like I didn’t need to anymore. But it turns out, for someone like me, it is the recipe for backsliding into old habits. Mindless eating habits. Eating to the point of overfull. Ironically, overfull triggers a craving for nicotine to help me disgest. 

I stopped exercising (other than walking my dog). This was a subtle backslide, but there nonetheless. 

I could waste time beating myself up over it or use the backslide as a way to rationalize smoking or even vaping nicotine again. But the truth is, if I were taking better care of myself my cravings wouldn’t be as strong. 

That said, there is no denying the strongly sexual nature of these cravings. As I abstain for longer, my fetish cravings grow stronger. I think that while a large part of my attraction is to that of the image of the smoker, my smoking fetish is more about giving in to a darker side. I used to think it was partially tied to addiction, which really creeped me out. But I found nothing sexy, at least long term, about being addicted to nicotine, nor do I find it attractive in others. When I was deepest into my addiction, smoking and vaping were actually the least attractive to me fetish wise. But now that I’ve put them on the “will not do” list, they’ve become infinitely more attractive. The attraction isn’t necessarily about smoking, although that is how it mostly plays out sexually for me. The attraction is about self-denial, then giving into pleasure whatever that pleasure may be. It is a cycle that plays out with both food and exercise in my life as well. It is all connected. Giving in always feels good at first, but then becomes tedious whether it be for good or for smoking.
How to find a satisfying balance? I feel like finding balance is like the quest for the holy grail or the Philosopher’s Stone. I guess the only way is to keep working at it. 

This Explains A Lot Actually

Why anti-smoking campaigns fail – http://wp.me/p7oqTw-p

The article talks about why guilt based anti-smoking campaigns don’t work.

To quote the article:

The researchers suggest that when the emotion of guilt is activated, there can be a magnification of pleasure which derives from hedonic consumption, because there is a cognitive association between guilt and pleasure (Cho & Dar, 2015)

Perhaps this is why the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.

I still think anti-smoking campaigns are a large part of how my fetish developed. I mean there are the visual aspects that have been sexualized by society but aside from that I think the anti-smoking campaigns set smoking up as this terrible thing that you should never do and yet deep down it always seemed like it was something that I wanted to do.

But there might be something to this guilt thing as well. I haven’t quite figured out how it might be connected only that because smoking is vilified by society, it is only natural one might feel guilty doing it. I think this ties into my smoking fetish in the knowledge I’m doing something ‘bad’ and doing it anyways was always a turn-on for me. 

Part-time Smoking makes for Smokey Weekend

I have to say, I am starting to get quite bold with my smoking. Short of coming out to old friends and my family which I’m not sure I will ever do, most of my current group of friends knows I like to occasionally indulge in smoking cigars and pipes. I have to say, having the support of my boyfriend really helps. This past weekend, I smoked far more than I normally do. It started on Friday. We went out for a few drinks with friends. My boyfriend had some Backwoods cigars lying around. They are not exactly the most expensive or classy cigar, but they taste not too bad considering their price point. I had one of those and this just wet my appetite for more. The next day, we had another gathering to go to. Boyfriend said he would drive so I could drink, but he was going to bring along an assortment of pipes for his own amusement. I said I wanted to pick up a nicer cigar in case I felt like one.

I did feel like one, but wanted to wait until all the children went to bed to enjoy one. At this point in the evening, all the smokers came out of the woodwork. I smoked my cigar, while others puffed on their cigarettes. To see the group, you would guess it was a different era, as there was almost no one that wasn’t smoking. I finished the cigar and we sat around the fire having a couple more drinks. By this time, I was pretty buzzed from the alcohol. With zero inhibitions, I stated that I really wanted a cigarette. At this point, a lovely older lady that was heading off gave me and my friend each a Benson and Hedges menthol 100 I think. My boyfriend doesn’t really like cigarette smoking, so this would be the first time he has ever seen me smoke one. It was a good cigarette, I managed to get through the whole thing without feeling sick. I guess there is something to be said about tolerance. Post-cigarette and for the next two days, I was hornier than I have been in months. Unfortunately, I also craved cigarettes for the next two days. Or maybe fortunately, since the cravings made for some good fantasies.

Sunday I took a break from smoking but I did have a pipe with my Boyfriend when we were out at a friend’s house on Monday to round off my weekend as a part-time smoker. And now I think I might be good for awhile. While it is no surprise to me, for fetish reasons I definitely enjoyed the cigarette the most. I think if the store sold singles, I might indulge more often. Cigar smoking comes in second, as the action is similar to cigarette smoking. I enjoy pipe smoking in that it is something that I can share with my boyfriend and I love that each pipe has a different character. Until I smoke again…

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