Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between



Challenge Day 27: Sliding Door Moments

Day 27: Sliding door moments: pick one or two moments from your life that could have drastically changed the course of your life.

I’ve been looking forward to this prompt for a while but when I sat down to write tonight, it was actually really hard to pick just one or two moments. I’ve often thought about this question in relation to my smoking. But the thing is: all the time I could have started smoking regularly, I always picked to not start. And when I imagined my life and how it would be different, ultimately I think would have ended up exactly where I am now only with more exposure to carcinogens. The only difference possibly being I might still be vaping nicotine as perhaps I’d be used to being in withdrawal when I can’t smoke/use nicotine and wouldn’t remember things being different. So that sliding door moment, it turns out is actually pretty mundane despite the amount of the thought I gave it.

Another moment: My friends really wanted me to go to the same university as them, but I chose to go off on my own to another city. Basically, my life would be completely different. I’d have different friends, I wouldn’t have met my husband or some of my best friends. It is hard to even imagine. I think I might have still become a teacher at some point though.

Another moment: Not moving into the city when I was a teen, staying with the friends that I had known since elementary school. First, I would have remained a part of drama productions, something that I stopped doing when I moved to the city because I didn’t get any parts. I would have never played rugby and who know what I would have picked to go to school for after high school. A large part of why I chose to go into science was because of my biology teacher in High School.

I’d go on, but the more I think about it, while aspects of my life would have been drastically different, there are something things that appear to be really consistent about who I am that would have probably resulted in very similar things happening in different ways.

Like the smoking thing: it eventually happened in the city, I would have eventually tried it in the town I left. I guess a totally different sliding door that I have trouble actually imagining is: what if I had never tried smoking. So never taken that first puff at 16, never hung around with the smokers in the smoking car, attempting to inhale, never trying again and succeeding at the age of 17, never buying my own cigarettes at the age of 18. I think I can’t imagine it because I think it was going to happen eventually.

I feel the same about teaching. I fought becoming a teacher for so long but everything I loved doing involved teaching. So eventually my path brought me to teaching. Same with my interest in psychology. I’m not a counsellor, but now I do a job that combines my love of psychology with my love of teaching.

But then again, perhaps each change, changes parts of us resulting in completely different realities. My mind hurts just trying to think about it…

Meditation: Guided Awareness-for Obsessive Thoughts


Challenge Day 22: Playful Interests

Today’s question: What interests or hobbies feel playful?

I feel like this is a trick question. My answer: all of them? Most of my hobbies could have been considered work at one time, but to be honest even my job feels ‘playful’ at times.

Maybe that just means that I find the joy in everyday living. I guess that is a good thing. To be honest, as long as I’m feeling happy I can usually find the fun in most things.

I recently did a paint party- one of those things where you get together with a bunch of people and paint a picture under the guidance of someone that actually knows how to paint. I had a lot of fun and think I was pretty good for my first time. I think painting is something that I would love to learn how to do. Now that Bob Ross is on Netflix, perhaps it will be the next thing that I teach myself how to do.

What I noticed is all of my hobbies and interests engage my mind. All of them involve me actively doing something or learning something.

As I was walking the dog today, I realized that I had lost track of how long it has been since I’ve quit. Did a quick count and it has been 64 days or 2 months and 3 days. To be honest, I haven’t had a ton of cravings lately (although I am sick right now) and have felt pretty stable mood wise. I can’t say I miss the nicotine rollercoaster, as much as I might have once loved the rush. My mindset feels completely different this time.

We were talking about this in class today. Change is all about your mindset. Perhaps even this question is actually about mindset. All of my hobbies could be considered work, but I see them as play, so they are. Instead of seeing quitting as a part of me dying or the loss of something I love or desire, I see quitting as the path to inner peace. That is what is different this time. That difference has made all the difference. Now to channel a mindshift in how I think about food.

Meditation: Connecting with Your Inner Child

Challenge Day 16: Just Let Go?

Today’s questions:  What parts of yourself are you holding onto that no longer are a true part of who you want to be?

Another tough question.

I think it is the part of me that identifies with being a smoker. It was never my full identity, but it was always there. I think it is dying though. I even find it hard to picture myself or fantasize about smoking now. Which in some ways is great, as it reduces my psychological urge to smoke. But in other ways, it is like a part of me that I’ve had for such a long time is dying. It is weird though, my kink is changing. It is still there, but I think it is shifting from being about my own smoking to perhaps just enjoying watching other people.

But I think I’m ready…

I was thinking about this today. Tomorrow, I have a work function where I see my smoker friends from the other site. Normally, this would be a big temptation. Normally, even if I was planning on saying no, I would fantasize about bumming a smoke, smoking with them. This is what I have done for as long as I can remember any time I’m faced with any situation where I might be tempted/ have the opportunity to smoke. It isn’t that I haven’t tried. I tried last night. I couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t feel the desire. I actually didn’t want the cigarette. It was weird, because it is something that I am usually able to call the desire up from inside of me at will. Last night, I even thought I’d have to come up with some new fantasy material.

I’ve never felt like this before. I think this is the first time I’ve actually chosen one side willingly. I’m not living in limbo anymore. It feels nice, albeit a bit scary. Kind of like not wearing a bra. Which I actually did today after watching a random YouTube video where Buzzfeed did a no bras for a week thing with some of their staff. I decided why not and picked a shirt it wouldn’t be too noticable in and went for it. It felt nice. It felt free. And it was a bit scary…

Change is scary. But I think I’m ready…

I might try this braless this again too.

Meditation: Letting Go of an Obsessive Thought

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