Search

Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

Month

April 2018

Feeling like myself again

Other than a pretty intense craving post lunch yesterday, I felt like my non-nicotine dependant self again later yesterday and all day today.

I read somewhere that green tea was good for people quitting and drank a significant amount yesterday and a bit today. It seemed to given me the alert calm my body and mind were looking for.

It is almost like all the bad stuff (withdrawal) didn’t happen. Which I swear sets my brain up to smoke again in the future.

Until then, I’ll enjoy the peace of not needing to smoke. I suspect if I had smoked regularly as a younger person, by brain would like nicotine normal better. But I definitely prefer how I feel without…

Until my next smoking adventure…

Advertisements

Ok, one more, just to be sure

I smoked again today. This will actually be my last for a bit because I threw the last four cigarettes in the pack in the garbage. One- they were starting to go stale and two- smoking today after a 48 hour hiatus, even though I had an intense craving to do so, didn’t feel great. It felt ok. I recorded a video, but deleted it because I look tired and haggered in the video. I found the sight of myself smoking didn’t live up to the fantasy. It never does.

Also, sneaking a cigarette in my backyard is so not my fantasy. I hate closet smoking. I hate sneaking around. I think part of what made smoking so fun on my trip is that I was doing it openly. People probably thought I was a regular smoker, except when we were sharing cigarettes. But I don’t want that full time. It was fun in the short term, but I’ve smoked enough in the past 8 days to tire of it.

Not surprisingly, my cravings have all but disappeared since throwing the pack out. The psychological burden of keeping the cigarettes was the ponderance: Maybe I’ll smoke one more, finish the pack, nobody has to know. Turns out I don’t actually want the last 4 but I probably would have smoked them because I had them.

Hopefully I’ll have some time to work on my fiction. My Fiction that does live up to my fantasies. Until next time happy smoking or not, whatever you choose.

One Last Cigarette

I had one last cigarette yesterday. It temporarily made me feel as good as can be expected. Initially, I didn’t think the Marlboro Ice were super strong, certainly no light cigarette, but there is something in them, it must be an additive that seems to intensify withdrawal. I’ve heard Marlboros have a decent level of free base nicotine so maybe it was that since my symptoms were classic nicotine withdrawal symptoms.

About 3.5 hours later, I wanted another. By 5.5 hours later I had a splitting headache and a hunger food couldn’t cure. I was feeling so shitty, I almost said f-it to go have a smoke outside my friend’s house but I didn’t.

Feeling shitty eventually turned into, I want to go back to not needing cigarettes to not feel shitty. So I told my husband I needed some of my anti-stress pill- a supplement called L-theonine that I’ve found affective in the past for anxiety and some melatonin to help me sleep since I’ve been sleeping shitty since dabbling in smoking again. Both my husband and I were super tired so I took one of each and I was sleeping like a baby by 10 pm. Got a full 8 hours of sleep so my withdrawal symptoms today are less by virtue that I’m not tired. I suspect I’ll feel even better by tomorrow as the feeling of emptiness and anxiety.

But I can honestly say I really enjoyed the experience. It was the first time I was able to smoke freely without worrying about who would catch me or smell me.

I also noticed something interesting while I was smoking this past week or so. I think it is the feeling that brings me back over and over again that I find fades into dullness as I get more tolerant. It was the feeling I got when I’d initially inhaled back when I was 17. It would typically come towards the end of the cigarette (or half cigarette) and it was like everything is the world would sharpen and come into intense focus combined with a feeling of intense calm and euphoria. I noticed smoking beyond this point was pointless and usually led to nausea. When I was vaping, I got this feeling at the beginning, but became so tolerant the feeling almost never came. This magic zone is often where I’d feel most aroused as well.

So if you wonder why I’d chance the self inflicted torture that is withdrawal, it is that blissful feeling, the one that brings the world into sharp focus that lasts mere seconds. It seems kind of stupid when I write it down, but there it is.

Will I smoke again? I have no doubt. As terrible as it is for me, the amount I smoke in a year isn’t really significant. Maybe one day I’ll give up entirely. Will I smoke the last 5 cigarettes from that pack? Right now I say no, because I’m just starting to feel better again. But I’m off from work next week, so who knows. If I don’t post again, you’ll know I chose not to. Until next time…

The Price of Pleasure

I had my last cigarette of my trip this morning at 6 am. We each smoked a whole one because we had lots left. I’m feeling the withdrawal now. Honestly, it isn’t as bad as when I quit vaping as I was smoking very little, usually three times a day, first two times half a cigarette, always ending the day with a whole one. I tried to give the last of the cigarettes to my friend to give to our co-worker, but she wouldn’t take them. So technically I have six left and a whole week off. Damn…

I probably should just throw them out. By Monday 6 am, it will have been 72 hours since last cigarette, the nicotine gone from my system and I’ll basically be back to not smoking again very easily.

But my fetish brain and my nicotine addict brain doesn’t want the cigarettes to go to waste.

My fetish brain really wants to record what I look like smoking, amongst other things.

My addict brain would do anything to keep nicotine in my system at this point.

Regardless of which road I choose, I’m reminded just of how powerful nicotine is and also how powerful my fetish is. I was constantly aroused on my trip. Heck, the thought of being in withdrawal right now kind of gets me going. I realized that is kind of messed up, but it totally distracts from the uncomfortable feeling in my lungs and body.

More to come next week. At the very least, I think my smoking excursion has put me in the right mindset to work on the story that a few of you are eager to have me finish.

Happy smoking!

A smoking excursion…

I’m currently at a week long conference for work with my fellow occasional closet smoking co-worker. Needless to say, it was always the plan to buy and share a pack this week and I’m enjoying it thoroughly. It is day three of the conference. The first night we only split one cigarette, the next day we shared two and each had a whole one in the evening and we repeated the same smoking today. My body remembers quickly how to respond and I’m already feeling regular urges to respond.

In the past, I would have found these alarming or fear inducing. But now I simply see cravings as the associated cost of indulging and I honor them willingly. My coworker seems to want to smoke on a similar schedule which is nice.

We chatted about how neither of us wants to return to smoking with any regularity, but enjoy indulging a few times a year.

We are also enjoying smoking menthols, something we can no longer buy in Canada. We chose Marlboro Ice, the new Marlboros in the resealable pack. We both find them to be a nice, easy to smoke cigarette.

Tonight’s cigarette was pure bliss. I find during these indulgent days where I smoke somewhat regularly for a few days, the cigarettes toward the end of the week are always better because not only do I still get a bit of a buzz due to lack of tolerance, but I start to crave more strongly and the cigarette hits the spot.

One more full day of smoking. I’m not sure if we will smoke on Friday at all since it is our travel day and it would probably be best not to as we will both be going back to our non-smoking lives soon. For now, I will just smoke em’ while I got them.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑