I had one last cigarette yesterday. It temporarily made me feel as good as can be expected. Initially, I didn’t think the Marlboro Ice were super strong, certainly no light cigarette, but there is something in them, it must be an additive that seems to intensify withdrawal. I’ve heard Marlboros have a decent level of free base nicotine so maybe it was that since my symptoms were classic nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
About 3.5 hours later, I wanted another. By 5.5 hours later I had a splitting headache and a hunger food couldn’t cure. I was feeling so shitty, I almost said f-it to go have a smoke outside my friend’s house but I didn’t.
Feeling shitty eventually turned into, I want to go back to not needing cigarettes to not feel shitty. So I told my husband I needed some of my anti-stress pill- a supplement called L-theonine that I’ve found affective in the past for anxiety and some melatonin to help me sleep since I’ve been sleeping shitty since dabbling in smoking again. Both my husband and I were super tired so I took one of each and I was sleeping like a baby by 10 pm. Got a full 8 hours of sleep so my withdrawal symptoms today are less by virtue that I’m not tired. I suspect I’ll feel even better by tomorrow as the feeling of emptiness and anxiety.
But I can honestly say I really enjoyed the experience. It was the first time I was able to smoke freely without worrying about who would catch me or smell me.
I also noticed something interesting while I was smoking this past week or so. I think it is the feeling that brings me back over and over again that I find fades into dullness as I get more tolerant. It was the feeling I got when I’d initially inhaled back when I was 17. It would typically come towards the end of the cigarette (or half cigarette) and it was like everything is the world would sharpen and come into intense focus combined with a feeling of intense calm and euphoria. I noticed smoking beyond this point was pointless and usually led to nausea. When I was vaping, I got this feeling at the beginning, but became so tolerant the feeling almost never came. This magic zone is often where I’d feel most aroused as well.
So if you wonder why I’d chance the self inflicted torture that is withdrawal, it is that blissful feeling, the one that brings the world into sharp focus that lasts mere seconds. It seems kind of stupid when I write it down, but there it is.
Will I smoke again? I have no doubt. As terrible as it is for me, the amount I smoke in a year isn’t really significant. Maybe one day I’ll give up entirely. Will I smoke the last 5 cigarettes from that pack? Right now I say no, because I’m just starting to feel better again. But I’m off from work next week, so who knows. If I don’t post again, you’ll know I chose not to. Until next time…