I haven’t posted in a bit, mostly because largely things have been going well. Changing how I eat has helped me with managing my moods and despite my normal ups and downs I’m taking them in stride. I’m not sure I’m any less moody, but my perception is different and I think it has to do with being mindful. When you are paying attention, to the present moment without judgement, it allows you to step back and actually determine what you need. So instead of getting worried, upset, frustrated or angry over feeling a certain way, you step back, notice that you are feeling that way and for me that seems to lead to the question: what do I need?
For example, I went on a camping trip with my husband and some of our friends. I went ‘hunting’ one day with my husband which essentially involves a lot of driving around. Not necessarily my cup of tea but it was important to my husband so I tagged along. At one point during the drive, he said to me, “You are bored, aren’t you?” I said, “Yes, I’m getting a little stiff just sitting in the car, could we stop to walk around outside for a bit?” He said yes and that broke the drive up for me, allowing us both to enjoy our time together more. I wasn’t exactly bored, but I needed to move around. Paying attention to that moment allowed me to identify my need and vocalize it so that I could get it met. Both my husband and I had a great camping trip I think because we were just living in the moment, experiencing the present as best we could.
Which brings me to the title of this post. One of the people on this trip, I consider my frenemy. Why frenemy? Because she is in my circle of friends but I don’t consider her my friend anymore. We might have been at one point, but somewhere along the way she started treating me really coldly, prickly for no apparent reason. I’ve thought about calling her out on it or at least to ask her why but I couldn’t tell if I was imagining it or not. I mentioned it to my husband at first, and he brushed it off and said it wasn’t me, it was her but I couldn’t help but take it personally for a bit. But he was right. It is just her and there is something about me that she can’t stand. She goes out of her way to ‘correct’ me even when it is something so minor or not even wrong. It is like she is looking for something to pick apart in what I am saying. Like I had a bite of my husband’s PopTart and I commented that it tasted like something that would quickly raise your blood sugar if it was low. She then ‘corrected me’ and said that it probably wouldn’t act that fast and besides a diabetic trying to ‘balance out’ their bad diet through alternating sugary foods and insulin is a sure way to a heart attack.
Anyhow, as the weekend drew on, she became more and more grumpy (in general, not always directed at me) because she was cold or ‘felt like she was wasting her weekend’. Oh and she hates my dog too. Sees it as a giant pest even though it mostly stays out of her way. So the saturday night, she barely said a word all night and cast glares at my dog. I basically just ignore all of this passive-aggressive behaviour and try to not let it affect me. I started doing this awhile ago knowing that I would have to see her at group gathering where everyone is invited. I honestly think it upsets her more that her snide, passive-aggressive comments seem to have no effect on me. What I didn’t know, is that my husband was noticing this too. But I think it was the first time that it has bugged him. His solution was an easy one: I don’t need to be around a negative person like that. So on the Sunday night, he told me he wanted to make a campfire at our camp instead of going over to them camp. I thought this was weird and I couldn’t get it out of him that night as to why. At the same time, it is not like I was really going to miss hanging out with my Frenemy. The next day, he told me that it was because of her that he didn’t want to go over to their campfire.
I have a feeling we’ll be doing less with the Frenemy and her husband. Which sucks, because her husband is a pretty laid back and friendly guy but is also good because I find her hard to be around. I think my husband is fed up with her selfish, insecure and passive-aggressive ways. For the most part, I don’t have to deal with her because she seems to avoid coming to anything that I am invited to. I think she only decided to go camping because she thought I was only going to be there for part of the weekend but then my plans changed and I ended being there for the whole weekend. Our other friend’s wife doesn’t come to most things that the Frenemy is invited to because of how the Frenemy treats her. But when she does, she just kills the Frenemy with kindness.
So far what I’ve learned about how to deal with toxic people from my Frenemy:
- Avoid spending time with them if possible.
- Greet their passive-aggressiveness either assertively or with kindness. Remember, more than likely their lashing out at you is not a personal attack. I happen to think my frenemy is jealous of me.
- See one. Really if at all possible ditch all the toxic people from your life
I had a great weekend camping. I didn’t let my Frenemy get in the way of a good time. Which brings me back to the start of this post. I think aside from what she thinks of me, my Frenemy didn’t enjoy herself because once she was ‘done with’ enjoying the camp fire or camping in general, she became very future oriented. Thinking: look at all the stuff I could be getting done instead of enjoying the moment.