So after posting every day for a month, I guess I just needed a blogging vacation. I’m on actual vacation now and in the process of making changes with how I eat which was really the next place to go for me and my unhealthy coping skills.

Food has been my ‘drug’ since I was young. I think my unhealthy relationship with food stemmed from or was passed on to me from my mother. I learned it from her. From a young age, I remember my mom was never happy with her body. Continuous crash diets over the years have resulted in her being rather obese. Which makes sense since these diets typically have low caloric intake and your metabolism slows when it feels like it is starving. My mom is also not very active, something that is different from me. Nevertheless, I think part of my staying active has been out of fear of becoming obese like my mom. In not wanting to be obsessed with food like my mom was, I chose to focus on exercise and eat whatever and as much as I wanted. But you  can’t out train a bad diet… and I think my lack of proper fueling has held me back in some respects with my exercise. That and I developed the exact same pattern with exercise that my mom had with food. Exercise, be awesome for a while and see some positive effects. (In this part of the cycle, my mom would be eating really well, and lose some weight). Plateau and or get injured. (Plateau on weight loss). Quit or reduce exercising (Binge eat). Gain weight and lose fitness gains. (Gain weight). Become depressed at the backslide. Repeat cycle (Both her and I).

But CF all you’ve talked about is exercise. How is food your drug? Well I told you before that when I exercise, I don’t really change my eating. This is pretty much true. I also have my periods of time where I try to eat healthy and then binge but mostly my pattern is one of overeating all the time. I think it is one of the ways I use to battle anxiety. Because anxiety physically feels like hunger to me. Exercise helps mitigate this a little, but if I’m in the Fuck exercise part of the cycle, I gain weight. Unfortunately, I gain weight pretty easily. I’m currently at my peak adult weight of 172 lbs. I carry it well despite my short 5’6” frame. I’ve never been a tiny person, so anything less than about 140, I start looking a bit skeletal. My set point (which I’d like to get back to) for a long time was around 160, plus or minus 5 pounds. But how to do it?

  1. Change my relationship with food and exercise.
  2. Stick with the changes that I make long term.

I’ve lost a lot of weight before. The last time I got to this weight, I lost 22 pounds in a year using Jenny Craig. I would say it was a rather unhealthy way to lose weight and because of the caloric deficiency I never had enough energy to exercise. It is really the only ‘diet’ I’ve ever been on. Plus, once you stop eating their food which nicely regulates things for you, you have to figure out how to eat healthy yourself and I found that to be very difficult.

How I currently view food:

  • Coping mechanism:I eat my feelingsgiphy
  • Best thing in the world
  • Delicious
  • Once I start, I can’t stop

How I would like to view food:

  • A  delicious way to fuel my body
  • Not how I deal with my feelings
  • I’d like to be able to eat like other people

How I view exercise:

  • A means to change my body so that I am happy with it
  • A healthy form of anxiety relief
  • Something I like doing despite it not changing my body

How I want to view exercise:

  • A means to change my body so that I am happy with it
  • A healthy form of anxiety relief
  • Something I like doing despite it not changing my body

I just recently finished a book called ROAR: How to Match Your Food and Fitness to Your Unique Female Physiology for Optimum Performance, Great Health, and a Strong, Lean Body for Life. Long title but great book. It teaches you how to work with your menstrual cycle rather than against and explains a lot about how female physiology is different from men. The food part is interesting because it has you eat for your body type and is all about timing foods to when you will need the nutrients. That is probably the hardest part about the eating plans. My goal is to follow it for a month and see how I feel. It is supposed to help with mood regulation and basically just looks like ‘clean eating’ so no processed foods or artificial sugars. Beyond that, it isn’t really restrictive. There is no calorie counting and it is more about what and when you eat than how much. Day 1 went well. It is Day 2 today and I am feeling a bit hungrier than yesterday. My snack time is coming soon though.

I don’t think I will be posting every day, but I’ll update now and again.

I have had a few cravings to smoke recently, but they pass quickly. My current mantra that helps me resist these cravings is, “I may feel like I need or want to smoke, but the fact is I don’t need to.Feelings aren’t facts.” Inspired by none other than John Oliver’s newest video: