Today’s questions:  What parts of yourself are you holding onto that no longer are a true part of who you want to be?

Another tough question.

I think it is the part of me that identifies with being a smoker. It was never my full identity, but it was always there. I think it is dying though. I even find it hard to picture myself or fantasize about smoking now. Which in some ways is great, as it reduces my psychological urge to smoke. But in other ways, it is like a part of me that I’ve had for such a long time is dying. It is weird though, my kink is changing. It is still there, but I think it is shifting from being about my own smoking to perhaps just enjoying watching other people.

But I think I’m ready…

I was thinking about this today. Tomorrow, I have a work function where I see my smoker friends from the other site. Normally, this would be a big temptation. Normally, even if I was planning on saying no, I would fantasize about bumming a smoke, smoking with them. This is what I have done for as long as I can remember any time I’m faced with any situation where I might be tempted/ have the opportunity to smoke. It isn’t that I haven’t tried. I tried last night. I couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t feel the desire. I actually didn’t want the cigarette. It was weird, because it is something that I am usually able to call the desire up from inside of me at will. Last night, I even thought I’d have to come up with some new fantasy material.

I’ve never felt like this before. I think this is the first time I’ve actually chosen one side willingly. I’m not living in limbo anymore. It feels nice, albeit a bit scary. Kind of like not wearing a bra. Which I actually did today after watching a random YouTube video where Buzzfeed did a no bras for a week thing with some of their staff. I decided why not and picked a shirt it wouldn’t be too noticable in and went for it. It felt nice. It felt free. And it was a bit scary…

Change is scary. But I think I’m ready…

I might try this braless this again too.

Meditation: Letting Go of an Obsessive Thought

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