How fitting that I get this question for my 200th post.

The question for today is: When was the first time you were confronted with a part of yourself you didn’t really want to acknowledge?

When I started this blog. Ultimately, it was something that had simmered in the back of my mind for a long time but I guess I hoped that it would go away if I ignored it.

But it didn’t. It was hard to acknowledge that my fetish wasn’t going away. It was hard to acknowledge that I wanted to smoke. It was again hard to acknowledge that part of me wanted to be addicted because I think that desire is messed up. It was hard to acknowledge that in order to be free, I needed to give in entirely. It was also necessary to quit nicotine entirely to be completely free.

I know that might sound illogical, especially if you’ve never been addicted to anything before. It might sound foolish to anyone who has ever struggled with addiction. I still think I needed to go through my full surrender to nicotine in order to quash the desire ‘to be a smoker’, something that I think through my fetish had been married to a fantasy about smoking that actually wasn’t completely in line with reality.

I’ve accepted my fetish and that I have about as much control over it as someone has over being gay or straight. One theory on fetishes is that we imprint on something from our childhood. For me it was smoking.

I can control how I choose to let it into my life. I don’t need to smoke to fulfill it. The past few months have taught me that. I’m grateful I’m where I am with this and can’t wait to see where the next few years will take me.

Meditation: The Sound of Silence

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