Yesterday, I was in a good mood all day. Got a little weepy watching Inside Out with my class, which is a great movie to teach older kids, teens and even adults about emotions. Picked up some wood from the hardware store to build a garden box with my cousin and had him and his wife over for dinner.  After, dinner we had some drinks and my husband and my cousin decided to smoke pipes. Cue giant craving to join them.

My husband was very good in not offering me any. I kept myself busy while they smoked, making the most delicious Bailey’s and Hot chocolate that I’ve ever had for me and my cousins wife. And I vaped which took care of the craving to ‘smoke something’. My cousin asked why I wasn’t joining them and I told him I was 25 days into quitting. I talked to my husband about it after and he said that maybe one day I’ll be able to smoke a pipe again. I agree with him. Pipe smoking is something I’ve always been able to moderate my use with. It is hard to compulsively smoke pipes.

But I’m not ready yet. I don’t think I’ll be ready for at least a year. In fact, I want to give my brain at least that long without any nicotine before I attempt any moderation with smoking tobacco. Perhaps in that time, I’ll find a good pipe tobacco substitute e-juice that doesn’t leave a shitty aftertaste. I’m going through e-juice at a much slower rate now. I think I have enough juice for the next 6 months at least. I mean, I only vape about maximum 3 times a day. My consumption is down from a half or two thirds of a tank per day to a tank lasting more than a week. Good part about that, is that it is cheaper. The bad part is less juice sampling. I think I might work buying new e-juice into a reward system: for every milestone up to a year, I buy myself a new juice.

I’m glad my moodiness is starting to stabilize. I totally get why people relapse at various points in the first month of quitting. Some of the mood swings I haven’t seen the likes of since I was a hormonal teenager.

As for my fetish, I know it isn’t going away. I’m at a place with it where that is OK. One of my commenter said I missed talking about an important kind of craving: the fetish craving. This is actually, for me, the craving that started it all. I tried denying my desire to smoke and my fetish and that failed miserably; I tried pseudo-moderation with smoking and that led me to daily smoking which led me to daily vaping. Daily vaping might have worked, if it weren’t for my job requiring me to go without for 3 plus hours and the affects on my sleep quality. Daily vaping allowed me connect some of the things I find attractive about smoking to a version of smoking that I might not have found attractive otherwise. It led me to nicotine free vaping, which seems to scratch the fetish itch just fine. We will how it fairs long term.

You might ask: why not go nicotine-free from the start? I don’t think it would have worked because I still hadn’t gotten that ‘chasing the high’ mentality out of my head. I would have felt it was lacking. Now that I’ve experienced the difference between beginning/occasional smoking and smoking/ using nicotine when you are well and truly addicted I have a different perspective. After 25 days, the thing that has gotten me through the rough patches  emotionally/cognitively is that I physically feel the best I have felt in months. And that makes it all worth it.

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