I was up and down all day today, not to mention emotional as fuck. There are some big wildfires happening about 4 hours north of where I live and every time I heard news on it, I would tear up even though I don’t even know anyone who lives there. It was like my empathy was on overdrive. I mean, while I know nothing first hand, I could put myself in their shoes and I felt devastated for them.

Today, I had some full on fantasies where I could actually feel the nicotine hit my brain. I came close to rationalizing relapse. Thoughts like, “I love smoking” went through my head. But I talked back to these thoughts. Because I remembered back to the last cigarette I smoked and reminded myself that I went back to vaping right away because I liked it better. When my addict brain tried to retort with, just think of the buzz you’d have if you vaped right now, I reminded myself of how much I wanted to not feel the rollercoaster of withdrawal anymore and of all of the other things I like about not using nicotine all the time.

I find I start rationalizing relapse when I’m experiencing negative emotions. It is funny because I remember that, other than for anxiety, vaping nicotine in response to negative emotions usually didn’t do anything. Or would provide a brief distraction or maybe relief (brief as in 1-2 minutes) and then I would be right back where I was before. I vaped a lot more nicotine-free juice today than I have in any other day since I quit. Vaping definitely helps substitute the feeling and if I concentrate really hard, I feel like I can almost recreate the relaxation using deep breathing and mindfulness. I know that probably sounds crazy, but it is working for me so I don’t question it. Until next time…