Today, I’ve been feeling kind of down and a bit anxious. I know exactly why too. Two reasons: family issues with my Dad (I don’t want to get into that) and lately, I’ve been noticing that when I overdo it with alcohol, even just a little, it takes a couple of days for my mood to go back to normal. Luckily, I don’t have a problem not drinking. One of my future goals is to stop binge drinking though. That combined with binge eating. I’m great at doing things to excess. I mean, when I ran consistently, I wasn’t just running. I was training for half-marathons and eventually a marathon. I need to learn moderation because I tend to have all or nothing thinking leading to eventually not enjoying the activity.

Anxiety, it turns out, is a huge smoking/vaping nicotine trigger for me. It makes sense considering withdrawal feels the same as anxiety. Which is interesting because I used to get really anxious about smoking, which probably make the subsequent release of giving in that much more powerful. I’ve had a few cravings today for nicotine, but also for my other unhealthy self-soothing mechanism, binge eating sweets. I’m breathing deeply, drinking water and surfing these urges.
When I was doing all my reading on Saturday, I found this blog post about how personality type is often connected to addictions.
Contrary to popular culture, there is no such thing as an addictive personality. There are however personality traits that make certain people more vulnerable to addiction.
According to the article, these are:

(1) an impulsive or risk-taking personality style

(2) an anxious, oversensitive personality style

or a combination of the two:

(3) an impulsive or risk-taking style combined with oversensitivity

When I read that, I thought, well I’m definitely (2) and more than likely a bit of (3). I remember mostly suppressing these my impulsive risk-taking by writing about it. I had the urges to smoke, use drugs and even drink when I was a teen but I guess my mom did a good job teaching me to say no to drugs. But that didn’t change the wanting.
I felt anxious off and on throughout the day. I felt the most anxious after I got a text message about my Dad and was immediately filled with anxiety and dread. It was the first time in a good number of days that I felt what I thought was a true craving, but my body doesn’t need nicotine so I saw the craving for what it really was: a desire to get rid of the anxiety. Once I picked up my husband from the train, my anxiety started to disappear and I feel fine again. I’m going to have good days and bad days but overwhelmingly my thought was: “CF you haven’t abstained nicotine for 14 days to throw it all away on  a little bit of anxiety. “
So I didn’t and I keep on keeping on…