Went out for my friend’s birthday last night. Like mentioned  before, we went to a nightclub with bottle service. I don’t drink very often anymore but about once or twice a year I will overdo it like I did last night. I’m feeling the effects today, but thankfully good old fashioned Gatorade is rehydrating me nicely.

Anyhow, if you’ve been following the blog for awhile, you’ll be aware of my pattern of drinking then smoking. I remember looking forward to events where I might be able to indulge. My friend even has smoker friends. They don’t know that I smoke or have smoked.  Normally that would have started a cascade of plotting moments to go smoke with them.

But none of that transpired. Normally,  I’d feel sad, envious and maybe a touch left out when smokers leave me behind but I felt nothing this time. I didn’t even feel so much as a craving. It was weird actually. I had a slight urge to vape nicotine when my energy levels started to tank (fatigue trigger) but it passed quickly. This morning, I’ve noticed that despite having consumed a lot of alcohol I have the least bad hangover that I’ve had since starting to consistently smoke or use nicotine when drinking.

I had a dream this morning that I was smoking a cigarette. It was also unlike every other dream I’ve ever had about smoking. In every other dream, since I was a child, I’m smoking like a seasoned regular smoker. My earliest dream of this variety started when I was 6,  where I’d be kidnapped and forced to smoke always returned to my parents with the need to smoke. In this dream, I’m smoking the cigarette but I’m not inhaling. I’ve never smoked a cigarette this way in real life.

What does this mean? I’m not sure but I’m feeling more and more confident that I am done with smoking. It feels liberating in many ways, to not have that longing anymore. Nothing to suppress. I hope this means I’m free.

Advertisements