I believe this is the symptom called ‘irritability’. This thing is, I don’t feel that different from how I did before. Well different from nicotine normal which was a mixture of feeling satisfied and going through withdrawal. Then I tried to remember to before nicotine normal. Right before I started vaping regularly, I was just in a more deprived state of nicotine-normal or more like the first few days of quitting but repeated over the course of months. Before that, I probably ‘relapsed’ about once a year and experienced mild forms of what I am going through right now. My longest period of time without nicotine in my adult life was 5 years between the age of 18 to 23. I suspect had circumstances been different, I probably would have been a regular smoker from the first time I tried it.

I suspect this is hard on my husband because my moods are so unpredictable. I’m trying not to take it out on him, but sometimes I snap and I feel bad for that. He normally doesn’t ask me much about my vaping. I think the fact that I was vaping nicotine regularly bothered him on some level, but he accepted it and didn’t bug me about it anymore. He asked me why I quit because to him my use probably didn’t seem that bad. While I was out to him, I remained in the closet to his family. I honestly don’t think he knew how much I was using. I don’t think he knew that I would frequently stealth vape in his parents’ or grandparents’ bathroom. Because he sleeps later than I, I’m not sure he knew that the first thing I did when I woke up is inhale a bunch of nicotine into my lungs so I wouldn’t feel so shitty.

To him all he sees is moody unpredictable me and the chemically stable outwardly happy nicotine-normal me. Right now he sort of wishes I could go back to the nicotine-normal me. I get it. He joked about it, but I can tell that dealing with me can’t be easy even though I feel better physically, it will be a long road of changes in my brain before stable me is back.

But today was easier and I don’t think I had any outbursts or losses of cool today. The hardest part of my day was the hardest part of my day before I started regular nicotine use. I figured out why too. My energy levels tank after lunch, but especially around 3 to 4 pm. I realize now that my nicotine use actually made the part of the day even harder because not only did I have to contend with falling energy levels, I also had to deal will falling nicotine levels. Solution: healthy afternoon snack at coffee break. I was already doing this before so it is a habit that I will keep. This my main ‘vape time’ now. I almost didn’t crave it at all today beyond after work. I’m maybe vaping 2 to 3 times a day now.

Feeling good though, like I can do this.

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