Quitting nicotine is truly a mind-fuck. This is partially why I’m documenting the process so closely as it is Day 6 now. The nicotine is all clear from my system so my body feels nice and relaxed without a constant stream of nicotine. I don’t wake up and immediately crave a hit. I like all of these as much as I sometimes enjoyed my self-imposed slavery to nicotine. There were times when I freaking loved it, especially at the beginning. My reason for quitting is that I just was feeling less in love with it and like a bad  relationship, it was time to break-up.

I keep trying to remind myself of that because I know those feelings were real. I know I didn’t make up wanting to quit in my head. I know that my current desire to smoke a cigarette when I see others doing so is due to the excess of nicotine receptors in my brain. I know this and yet…there it is. It is like I forget all the bad things, the reasons I had to quit. Right now, I’m wondering if this is how the cycle has played out in my life every time. Is it possible that both love being free from nicotine and using it. I think it is important to separate what I love: the feeling of nicotine after a period of abstaining/ that first time feeling from what I don’t love: the lessening of pleasure as tolerance increases, needing more and more to achieve the same effect, the impact on my sleep. I guess I don’t like being addicted. I think yielding to it was necessary for me, because in many ways I was addicted before I ever really started. I still can’t figure that out, where this fixation started, why it started so young.

I’m not going to let this get me down. I need to let my brain reabsorb some of those receptors. I need to keep remembering what caused me to choose to quit in the first place. In some ways, it is when I am not using the desire is stronger, because I know how much better it feels after a period of abstaining. That is what is dangerous for me. Perhaps this time it will be different. All I know is I’ve got to give it time.

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