Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between


February 2013

Quality and Brands

With every measure out there to prevent me from smoking, the hardest part is finding a good brand of cigarettes to smoke. No seriously, it is difficult. Here is why:
1) Nobody smokes anymore. Why? Because it is bad for you and there is huge stigma against smokers. The people who do smoke hide it so you almost never see what brand they smoke. If they are a budget conscious hard-core smoker they likely smoke cheap budget brands that taste as bad as they smell. When I smoked last summer, the first cigarette I had was some iteration of a Benson and Hedges but it was dark, I never saw the pack so I will never know what they were unless I get the chance to ask my friend sometime. I don’t see her very often and she is currently pregnant and probably not smoking. All I know is they had a nice flavor without being harsh and weren’t so strong that I couldn’t handle them, even though I don’t smoke very often. It will be like searching for the holy grail, if and when I decide to buy another pack.

2) There are no cigarette ads anymore.
That is pretty self explanatory- the pack itself is pretty much the cigarette’s only form of advertising. And people hide their packs because they don’t want people to know they smoke

3) Packs are hidden from view even at the point of sale. Unless you go to a tobacconist.

4) Cigarettes now have a confusing colour system instead of using words like light or mild. Is black stronger than gold? Is sapphire stronger than green? Actually, I wouldn’t mind the colour system if I could find reliable information on what the cigarettes are like.

Long story short, all of the above are barriers to me purchasing good cigarettes. The only thing I know for sure from my last purchase is cheap
cigarettes are meh. Alright when I’m intoxicated, but even then I could tell they were not very good. Next time, I’m going for quality over price because if I’m going to inhale toxic fumes into my lungs, it better be delicious tasting. So far, cigarette reviews on YouTube seem to be the best source of information regarding strength, flavor and smell.

Rant done. Until next time…


More Thoughts

After a bout of smoking, I always get a little introspective about my own smoking. I was rereading some comments and I read one where I discuss that I could never be an occasional smoker because it would always lead to regular smoking.

I no longer believe this to be true. Perhaps because I have been occasionally smoking for the past few years. Once every few months, I light up. I don’t always smoke cigarettes but I do smoke tobacco of some sort. Not to say I don’t experience withdrawal of sorts. The week or so after I indulge, I definitely think about smoking and/ crave doing it more than usual. But somehow I find it pretty easy to ignore these thoughts now. Perhaps it is because I’m no longer paranoid that each additional cigarette I smoke is going to the last one I smoke by choice.

I’m fairly certain that the withdrawal that I feel is similar to what a regular smoker feels when they abstain. Perhaps the intensity is different- I really am in no place to judge that. I found it was the worst when I was unoccupied. In fact, this past weekend when cravings were the most intense, I considered numerous times buying another pack. But then the craving would pass and I too would pass on purchasing more cigarettes.

On some level, I think I actually enjoy the withdrawal and the brief mental torment I inflict upon myself. Reminds me of the power of the delicious poison I’ve chosen to ingest.

I’m already looking forward to the next time I choose to indulge. I think it will be my favorite type of flavored cigar next time, a Tatiana Night Cap since I bought three the last time I visited the tobacconist and haven’t had one yet.

Until my next adventure…

The Supplier

About a month ago, my staff had a belated Christmas party. After a few drinks, I was feeling my normal desire for a cigarette but alas it seemed like none of my normal smoking buddies were there. Until a new staff member spoke up and said she would really like a smoke as well. I offered to buy them for us and by the end of the night we had almost an entire pack left between the two of us. I said I would hang on to them until the next time we went out.

Despite having a pack to myself, I really had no desire to smoke them- I’ve really grown to hate smoking alone. But the time came for another staff outing so I brought them with me. Some people were surprised that I had them, most were just happy i had them. Suddenly, I’m supplying everyone with cigarettes. While the number of regular smokers is down, I’m convinced that the number of occasional smokers is much higher and probably misreported.

We have two staff that smoke regularly. One is open about it, the other one is pretty much closeted and does a great job hiding it. No one knew until she outed herself last year. Her husband doesn’t even know.

I didn’t come home with the pack- I gave it to a co-worker early in the evening because they were smoking more than me. One thing is for sure- I definitely lost track of how many I had.

I’m not sure why it has been easier to out myself lately, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that when people haven’t known you for as long they have no preconceived notions of how they think you should be so while there might be an element of surprise at first, they accept it more readily.

Until my next smoking adventure…

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