“Maybe the world would be a better place if everyone smoked,” – My boyfriend

I never thought I would ever hear him say something like that, being that he used to be fairly anti-smoking. He has really taken to the pipe and now smokes more often than I do. Mostly, this is because of my elbow that I have not gotten checked out. I guess I’m scared the doctor will look at me like I’m crazy or some sort of hypochondriac, which I have to admit I kind of am sometimes.

That aside, I have smoked a couple of times since my post saying that I wasn’t until I saw the doctor. All times have been when I have been slightly intoxicated, and conveniently forget the pain I’ll experience the next day. I have to say I am pretty much exclusively into more aromatic tobaccos now. The boyfriend smokes the oakier stuff and I don’t mind the taste, but I don’t like it enough to smoke a pipeful. The time before last, I experienced my first smoky kiss with my boyfriend. While I don’t really have a fetish for pipes, smoke seems to do it for me most of the time. And exchanging smoke with my boyfriend, I have to say, was pretty hot. It was intimate for me beyond any other sort of kissing I’ve ever done. Why intimate and not just sexy? Because of what the kiss meant. It meant that I trusted my boyfriend enough to open up about a part of myself that I keep hidden from the world for the most part and that until only recently admitted to myself that I had.

Where would I be now if I hadn’t told him? My guess: I’m not sure we would have lasted that much longer. There was huge risk in telling him for sure. He could have decided that my fetish was a deal-breaker and we would have been over. But hind sight being 20/20, I think not telling him would have been a huge mistake and would have more likely resulted in one of us ending it. If the outcome had been different, maybe I would  be telling people not to tell, it will ruin everything. Every situation is unique, because we are all unique individuals. When people told me to consider what I was missing out on because I wasn’t letting him in on my little secret, I dismissed it, thinking that my boyfriend would never smoke anything so why entertain the fantasy. If he is never going to indulge me in real life, then why tell him what I fantasize about most of the time? Why does it even matter? The answer: sharing these sorts of things, for me, is part of getting intimate with a person. I wouldn’t have felt as connected to him had I kept my fetish from him.

Do I feel bad for bringing him into my world? Not really, since he enjoys pipe smoking more than he ever could have imagined. I didn’t really push him to try it, merely exploited an interest that was already there. It has made him much more tolerate of all smokers, although he still really doesn’t see the point of cigarette smoking. Probably because he doesn’t smoke to get the buzz. He is somewhat of a pipe smoking zealot, trying to convert cigarette smokers to the pipe. It is more entertaining than anything. So far he has one successful convert. His brother. But I think his success is only partly due to his mad conversion skills and partly because his bro is unemployed and cannot afford what was his half-pack a day habit. But he can afford to smoke the tobacco we provide to him. Good thing he doesn’t smoke pipes like he did cigarettes or we would be poor supporting his habit.

I ramble… but I where I was going with this was that if you don’t take the risk of letting a person into your deep personal space, then what could be, might never come to be. Never say never. Huge risk can equal huge rewards and taking the leap can be super scary. Not to mention that this didn’t happen overnight or without some compromise. My boyfriend was not okay with me starting to smoke cigarettes. That led to me closet smoking and discovering that I really don’t want to smoke regularly but had trouble smoking sporadically. Which led to me exploring other smoking options, such as the pipe. Sharing my desire to try pipe smoking was not shot down which led to both of us trying pipe smoking. Entire journey: about a year and half. Result: boyfriend smoking pipe regularly (anywhere from 1-3 times a week) and more indulging of my fetish. I even think that if I told him I wanted the occasional cigarette he would be okay with it now. I’m not sure I want that, but I’m happy we are at a place where I know I wouldn’t have to sneak behind his back to do it. That seriously was killing me.

If you had asked me back in November 2008 that this would be the result of starting this blog and telling my boyfriend, I would have called you crazy. And secondly, I probably wouldn’t have even been sure that it would be something that I wanted. Up until recently, I didn’t really think I cared to have my fantasies fulfilled in real life. But now that I’ve had one smoky kiss, I want more. It has changed my fetish a little too. I love the way my boyfriend smells just after he has had a pipe, although the smell of pipe smoke on clothes seems to dissipate a lot quicker. I don’t know where I am going with this… but I think that is partially why I haven’t been writing as much. My blog was mainly to help me figure things out, sort my fetish out in my brain and mainly to feel less alone. I feel like I have done all that. Thanks internet world for the free therapy! And with that, I will say goodnight and goodbye for now.

Advertisements