It’s been just over a year since I broke down, bought cigarettes and smoked. I think thanks to this blog, I have come far, not only on the smoking issue and where I stand on that, but on my sexuality.

My sexuality hasn’t changed but my willingness to be open about it has. If I were not now in a relationship, I would be completely comfortable openly having a relationship with a woman. I’m not sure why I woke up this morning with that feeling, potentially because I had a dream about me and a childhood friend. We were friends until I moved away after grade 9, last night we met up and ended up making out. In the dream of course. Then it was weird for a bit, even though in dream land the past two times we met have always ended in making out too. I haven’t had those dreams, but apparently last night my dream had back story. We were just going to talk about it, when I woke up.

Generally, when I wake after I have a dream like this, I feel a little confused. Not as confused as I did before I figured out I am attracted to both sexes, but still a little disoriented. I’m mean I’m happy with my boyfriend, why, subconscious do you suppose I am having dreams about kissing my ex-best friend?

I actually have no idea- but what I was confident about this morning that I can be completely open about my sexuality, which is weird considering I live in one of the most homophobic provinces in the country.

I’m not sure where this self-confidence came from, but I like the way it feels. I feel less unsteady now. Less like I’m fumbling around in the dark without a flashlight. Now if only I could get a job…