Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between


January 2010

Officially a Bad Influence

I am officially a bad influence. Last night, I became slightly inebriated with my boyfriend and his best friend. We had been talking about pipe smoking earlier in the night and the boyfriend friend mentioned that he kind of missed his old job where they used to smoke tipped cigars, cigarillos, and sometimes more élite varieties of cigars on night shift to pass the time. He called the cigarillos “girly” but said that despite that he really enjoyed them.

As the night wore on, we were itching to walk somewhere or do something. Where to? “The convenience store?” someone suggested. “What will we get there?’ Evil genius me perks up… “We should get some of those girly cigarillos that you miss so much,” I say to the friend. His eyes light up and we are off to the store to pick some up. That easy… and without my suggestion it would have never happened.My boyfriend said, “I may be drunk enough to go along with this crazy idea.”

He decides he want a whole pack of Peach Primetimes . He asks me if I still have my lighter I was playing with earlier and I do. We make our way back to the apartment and the friend and I pretty much go straight outside to sample the wares. What I noticed is these “cigars” look like the lovechild between a cigarette and a cigar. They actually have a filter on them which was a pretty gold colour. We do not waster any time lighting up. The first thing I noticed is the strong peach smell and the sweetness on my lips when I place the filter in my mouth. The filters are apparently flavoured too. No wonder they tried to ban these. First- they come in singles making it easy for new smokers to obtain. Second, they taste light candy, until you light them up, but I happen to like the taste of burning tobacco so it was like candied burning tobacco.  My boyfriend stalled for a bit heating up his burger, but then joins the two of us smokers out on the balcony.

I’m about halfway through mine, smoking it more like a cigar (not inhaling) although I think even doing that I sort of inhaled a little bit. And then maybe on purpose a couple of times. But even before that, I’m sensitive enough to nicotine that I felt the pleasant relaxing effect of the nicotine without inhaling or maybe that was all in my drunken mind. Regardless, I was thoroughly enjoying myself, smoking in front of my friend and boyfriend. No sneeking around. This is when my boyfriend takes the pack and gets one out and asks, “How do I light this thing?” At this point, I was unsure whether he was going to go through with it, but apparently silent peer pressure still works at the age of 27. His friend explains to him how to light it and suddenly I see something that I never thought I would see. My boyfriend is smoking. This is probably the closest I’ll ever see to him smoking anything like a cigarette. He holds it “wrong” to begin with, and his friend commented on that. “Even your girlfriend knows how to hold it properly.” To which I reply, “Well I have smoked cigarettes before, this isn’t that different. Although I am having trouble forcing myself to not inhale.”

The details of the conversation are fuzzy at that point. We talked about inhaling and smoking in general. Towards the end, my boyfriend playfully blows smoke into my face.  I thought it was cute, because I sensed he was starting to have fun with it. I returned the smoke… I couldn’t let him get away with that. As I took my last drag, and crushed the filter out in the dead plant we have yet to dispose of, he does the same with his almost finished one. At this point, I am a little turned on, but this is counter balanced by the alcohol which has made it so that nothing will happen.

This quote from Macbeth sums the alcohols effect up quite well:

Porter:Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things.
Macduff: What three things does drink especially provoke?
Porter: Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.

The friend remarks as we come in, that we have corrupted my boyfriend, but that soon it will be him that is beckoning to us to have us come smoke bowls in our pipes with him. We shall see about that. That smoky adventure should tide me over until the pipes come in.


Smoking Hot Cigar Chick

If the post brings me my pipes by next week, I should be smoking them by the weekend. The plan is to head down to the tobacco shop with my boyfriend and his friend, who has also apparently wanted to get into pipe smoking for a long time and was a little surprised by my apparent sudden interest. My response: to my boyfriend- I told him that he shouldn’t be surprised, and to the friend well, I’ll keep him guessing where my “sudden” interest came from.  It’s nice to have a crew of friends to do this with, since I know that was something I really lacked with my closet smoking.  I know the majority of my friends wouldn’t really understand, but I don’t care at this point.

But what I wanted to talk about for this post is the “Smoking Hot Cigar Chick“. She is a chick with an interest in cigars. And I might of thought she was hot until I heard her voice… which irritates me. You guys are probably thinking, “Oh she is just jealous.” Maybe, but her voice is still irritating. Voice aside, I actually really enjoy her videos which are mostly reviews about cigars. So if you are into cigar smoking and girls check her out. If you want to watch a girl smoke a cigar, maybe go elsewhere because she does more talking than she does smoking. What I do like about her is that she clearly loves cigars.

That’s all I have for tonight… I’ve got a buzz from the rather large beer I just drank. It was 500 ml of a beer called Ephemere- Apple and it was quite delicious. I also had the rest of the mead that we opened at New Year’s and have been nursing ever since. It aged in the fridge surprisingly well. I don’t normally drink this much… so I’m quite buzzed, maybe even drunk. Hope everyone else is having a great saturday night!

Things are Looking Up…

My day at my casual job was in a word: busy. My body aches because the work I am doing is quite physical. I’ve gained weight in muscle. So you might be asking: 1) Why are things looking up? or 2) When is she going to get to talking about smoking.

Things are looking up for a few reasons.  Firstly,  I have tomorrow off from the shitty casual job.  Secondly, I got word that my pipes have shipped from Aristocob. This means I might be able to try smoking one in about 6-10 buisness days. Thirdly, I got an interview for the job I desperately want. That is probably the best and most exciting news. Lastly, I’m sitting here sipping a tasty mead not really caring about much of the worries from paragraph one.  Too bad I don’t have the pipe yet, as tonight would be the perfect time for a celebratory pipe smoke. So readers, have a celebratory smoke for me.

I was also pleasantly surprised that my boyfriend has been doing his own research into pipe smoking. He has more interest in trying the English style tobaccos vs. the aromatics.  So contrary to what most people start with, I think that is where we will start. I don’t think it is too bold a move, since I already like the taste of tobacco. We already have plans to visit the tobacco shop together. Which is good, because I am a little chicken-shit when it comes to these sorts of things. I’m glad I’ll have someone holding my hand through this and accompanying me on this journey.

I have to say, I think that the story I will have will be rather entertaining. Two begininer pipe smokers light up. My boyfriend’s never smoked anything so I really hope he likes it. I’m pretty sure I will like it, since I haven’t really found much that I don’t like smoking. So stay tuned, and until then, happy smoking (if you got ’em).

Double-Standards and White Lies

Being unemployed (and temping at my casual mindless job) has given me a lot of time to think. Probably too much time in fact. I’ve been thinking about smoking in general… and then more specific. I’m also really tired now and potentially incoherent, but hear me out. First I started thinking about how demonized cigarette smoking has become. I specify, because we don’t see ads telling people to stop cigar smoking or pipe smoking, even though I am sure there are antis out there that would tell me, “Oh, Don’t worry, we will tackle them next.” There is a double-standard out there, that smoking one type of tobacco is wrong, but it is okay to smoke cigars or pipes because people smoke these less frequently.

What got me thinking about this were various articles, from pipe and cigar smokers that pointed the finger at cigarette smokers saying they were the ones to blame for all the bans and that if it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t have smoking bans. Maybe this is true, but maybe not… but what was clear from this is that society really doesn’t demonize the other two types of smoking as much or we wouldn’t have some people trying to play to victim card. Or maybe someone always comes out to play the victim card.

This kind of bugs me, not because I have anything against cigar smokers or pipe smokers, because I plan to become one.  I do have a problem with finger-pointing, especially when I’m not sure it really makes a difference what kind of smoke to non-smokers. The majority of non-smokers (true non-smokers) don’t really like rooms filled with any type of smoke. I like to think that we are all out in the cold together, regardless of how often or what we are lighting up.

Which brings me to another thought I had… I mentioned true non-smokers. Due to the way our society treats smokers, it really isn’t surprising that people lie about their smoking status. People that smoke occasionally hesitate to call themselves a smoker because they are not smoking the majority of the time.  I even had trouble calling myself a smoker for that very reason: I don’t smoke all the time.  Many of us, would rather just lie and say well I don’t smoke (internalized: all the time) or I’m a non-smoker. I wonder how many “non” smokers are actually, occasional smokers, opportunistic smokers or closet smokers. Would we (and I count myself) go as far as to hide ourselves from the statisticians? What if the rate of smoking really isn’t decreasing as much as they think? How many people just aren’t admitting to smoking anymore because of the social taboo?

What started me thinking about this is a thread in the SFK forum where many people said they didn’t smoke, only to turn around two seconds later to say, that they do on occasion. Well do you or don’t you? And I’m not attacking them… because I used to do the same thing. Part of it was because in my mind I still thought of myself as a non-smoker. Funny, since I inhaled quite a bit more smoke from cigarettes last year than any non-smoker. Probably a heck of a lot less than a regular smoker, but still more than none.

I’m not sure this is as common with pipe or cigar smoking. Generally, that might not come up in general conversation unless you bring it up. To be quite honest, I would have less trouble admitting to people I smoke a pipe or cigar compared to a cigarettes. I guess it is that cigarette smoking stigma.

But I guess I won’t knock societies’ tolerance of pipe or cigar smoking too much since it is what is allowing me to venture forth with the pipe smoking hand in hand with my boyfriend. He is totally on board. We are going to visit a tobacco shop together when the pipes I ordered come in. I was thinking of ordering tobacco online, but we a great tobacco shops here and I wouldn’t mind getting the advice of the shop owner since he is well-known for being really knowledgable and helpful. Plus, then I won’t have to worry about how much duty will cost.

On that note… I will sign off for the night. Happy smoking, whether you proclaim it to the world or not. I understand either way.

Super Excited…but

Pipe smoking certainly isn’t a cheap hobby. Which means that as excited as I am about getting into it, I will have to wait until I am gainfully employed. I am fine with this as my motivation is different this time. It is actually quite nice to have to have the boyfriend involved, rather than someone that I was keeping my smoking from. He is quite supportive, although I’m not sure why he is so surprised that I am super excited. I know I mentioned in one of my comments that I would let him lead the way, but I decided that I would probably have to lead this endeavour or I might never get my chance. Plus, he seems happy to let me do the research and such.

Missouri Meerschaum Gentleman Corn Cob Pipe

From my research, corn cob pipes are the best for beginers because they require no break-in period and impart a sweet taste to the smoke. I have picked out the corn cob pipe I will order as soon as I have a job. It is a Missouri Meershaum Gentleman Corn Cob pipe. Not the most visually appealling, but I figured it would be choice because I can buy two with filters for about $25 including shipping. Two because then my boyfriend can try too. And if he doesn’t like it, well it is apparently a good idea to rotate through the pipes you smoke.

I’m not sure what kind of tobacco I will buy, or even if I will attempt to buy it online or actually go into a shop to buy it. I’ve heard aromatic is good for first time pipe smokers, so I was thinking of choosing one of those, but I have no idea what. There is an area where I need to do more research. I was thinking at looking at some reviews. I have no idea what I am going to like, so it is going to be an adventure.

Halfling Pipe

Once I have the basics down and decide whether or not I want to continue or not, I found a few more pipes that I found to be a little more aesthetically pleasing and appealed to my geeky fantasy side. They happen to be Lord of the Rings replica pipes that are fully-smokable. I’m wary that they might not actually be “good smokes” but if I like pipe smoking, I probably will buy one as a collectors piece and if it happen to smoke well, than all the better. My favorites are probably a tie between the White Wizard Pipe and the halfling pipe.

White Wizard Pipe

So now I have to work even harder at getting a job so that I may start this wonderful hobby. I suspect about a $50 start-up cost, which isn’t too bad. More expensive that smoking cigarettes, or at least more expensive than how I smoke cigarettes, but half that cost is on reusable pipes, the other half of the cost on tobacco, although I suspect that I can buy tobacco cheaper if only because I think the tobacco shops will sell smaller amounts. Anyhow… I doubt I will post much more about pipes until I actually go out and buy the tools and start smoking.

Favorite Smoking Erotica Part 5

I don’t even think this one technically counts as erotica. Most people that read this blog, will probably find it kind of silly and juvenile, because it kind of is. I think I love this story, because it is short and I could really see a lot of myself (back when I first read it at age 17) in the main character Alli. I like the way the story is written though, it sort of sets it apart from many of the other smoking stories. Re-reading it, based on the clever one-liners delivered by our heroine, she kind of reminds me of a Juno like character. I also like the way it ends… with us not knowing if Alli ever becomes a more regular smoker.

Here is short excerpt from The Alphabet Sisters, since the story is short to begin with. Enjoy!

I’m a good girl. I’ve always been a good girl. Kind and considerate. A joy to my parents, a friend to my friends, the teacher’s pet, and all that. I still blush when someone says ‘shit,’ and run to confession when I let one slip. Oh, sorry, I’m Alison. I’m 15, in my second year at Beechwood High, an honor student with Ivy League dreams. Last year I hung around with two
friends I met in middle school, girls pretty much like me. Studious, quiet, and of course really straight. In a word, boring. Our lives are about as exciting as sand, but we like it. Happy lives may make for dull stories, but I also think sand is underrated.

My best friend Christy has the distinction of never having gotten a B in her life. Even I can’t lay claim to that. My other best friend Barbara is a reader. Whether it’s the classics or romance novels, I’ve never seen her without a book. I think she showers with the laminated edition. She’s really pretty too behind those silly glasses, and I think the boys would notice if she’d drop her book long enough for them to get a look at that porcelain skin and golden hair. Maybe later, and that’s probably just as well. Every day it seems we talk about our dream romances, but it’s just talk. We have more important goals for the near term, and we’re determined not to end up like Becki Scarvanough, who dropped out of school freshman year to have a kid. There’s time for serious romance later, maybe when we were thirty or thirty-five. Or senior year.

We call ourselves the “alphabet sisters.” Ali, Barb, and Christy. We were inseparable our freshman year, our own little clique and in our own little world. I know these things can’t go on forever, but apart from finding someone just like us with a D name, like Darla or Debbie, it’s hard to imagine our little troika being altered by anything, like boyfriends, activities, boyfriends, or change. I mean reality only bites if you let it off the leash.

I didn’t see too much of Christy the first part of the summer. I just assumed she’d been on vacation or away at camp. That’s where I was for a couple weeks. I love summer camp. I also love poison oak. You get the picture. I got back on the July seventeenth, and immediately called C. She was all excited about a club of some kind, and of course she invited me. Barbara was away on a family vacation, so I was especially anxious to see Christy for the first time in weeks.

“Sure, I can meet you tonight,” she said on the phone. “But I’m involved in this thing. It’s a little hard to explain. Just come. If you hate it, we can leave.”

“Okay,” I answered, knowing Christy well enough to gather there was an element of surprise involved here. But I like surprises and I trusted my good friend. Besides, it was either that or watching some neuron screw up becoming a millionaire.

Christy led me to the athletic fields behind the high school, and I assumed we were meeting a couple of her other friends. The trouble with “other friends,” of course, is that when my friends meet my other friends, both groups invariably fail to enjoy being with the other as much as I do, and instead insist on either monopolizing my time or standing around looking dopey. In fact, I’ve recently made it my policy that my friends are never to meet my other friends, except, I guess, at my wedding, when I won’t care about any of them anyway. But I digress, and anyway, Christy’s secret is probably that she’s set us up with a couple of really nice guys.

“Are they cute?” I asked. “Is my make-up alright? I look like shit. Oops, sorry. I wouldn’t have worn this T-shirt–”

“Relax. It’s not — You’re boy crazy.”

“I am not.”

“You are too. But sorry to disappoint you, A. This is an all-girl thing.” I was afraid of that.

“Who are they?” I asked.

“I met them a couple months ago through Stephanie Peterson.”

“Stephanie Peterson?” NOW I was freaking. I had a laser sharp image of Stephanie Peterson’s reputation. In middle school she’d been a lot like us, but last year she’d fallen in with a bad crowd. I mean BAD … Well, not BAD BAD. Sean Barraclough and Janie Monroe were BAD BAD. Stephanie was … a little bad. Just bad enough to be cool. On the other hand, I could just be overreacting as usual. Maybe she was still alright. Actually her rep isn’t that bad … Although she did go out with Paul Foster. That’s it. She’s slime … But she did have the sense to dump him …

“Hi Stef,” Christy said. “You know Alison. Ali, this is Valerie, our fearless leader, and Eve, Amie, Amber, and Paula.” Hmmm. A group already heavily laden with the letter A, except perhaps on their report cards. Paula did drugs, I knew that. Valerie was starting her senior year, which was equally scary. Pretty, smart, and popular, all in the extreme. Puts your place in the lower third of the food chain into perspective. Amber smoked. I’d often seen her smoking in the girls’ room or outside after school. I had no clue who Eve was, except she was now lighting a Salem. Amie was apparently Amber’s guest. And I was Christy’s.

“Where do you wanna go?” Eve asked.

“Let’s just hang around for a while,” Valerie replied. This immediately prompted all the girls to reach into their handbags. It didn’t surprise me that Valerie proceeded to light up, or that the others soon followed. What dropped my jawbone onto my Nikes was when a cloud of smoke drifted past me from my immediate left.

“Christy. I didn’t know you …” The girls all laughed.

“It’s a summer thing. I’m trying it out. Something different.”

“Face it. You’re hooked,” Eve said.

“No way,” Christy replied. “Wanna try one?” she asked me.

“You know I don’t do that, C. I think it’s kinda gross.”

“That’s what they all say,” Valerie replied. “It’s okay. You’ll make you own decision.” There didn’t seem to be much of a decision to make.

For the rest of the Alphabet Sisters, click here.

Researching Smoking Alternatives

I’ve been working really hard lately at getting a job but while not doing that, I have been researching smoking alternatives. It is amazing the difference at the amount of information available for pipe, cigar and even hookah smoking. When you look for similar information on cigarette smoking you are bombarded with articles trying to convince to you to change your mind. Never start. You will get addicted and you will DIE! And if you tell people you are trying it out, they tell you stop before you get addicted and eventually DIE of some smoking related disease. Any maybe they are right… maybe if I had never ever touched tobacco I would have never known its allure and I wouldn’t be talking about my plans to try to find a way to keep it in my life. Maybe… but maybe not. With a fixation like mine, I think it was only a matter of time before I tried it.

I realized that I never actually explained why I abandoned smoking cigarettes, since they are still my fetish object of choice. I still occasionally get a horny craving for one, but they pass much quicker now. I realized that I don’t get near enough pleasure from them to make them worth the risk, at least not when I am only smoking them occasionally. And when I smoke regularly (one a day on consecutive days) I find I crave smoking more (of course!) and that I feel like shit when I don’t yield to this desire to smoke more (withdrawal much?). Plus, to make $12 a pack worthwhile you actually have to smoke more than occasionally or they eventually go to waste.

Cigars, pipes and hookah are all things that many people enjoy on a more occasional basis. So I’ve been doing my research, exactly as I did before I started smoking cigarettes. I can’t help myself, the scientist in me requires me to gather as much information as possible. I found some decent resources but so far, if you are looking for an in depth read on pipe smoking The Weber’s Guide to Pipe Smoking would be your guide. What I found interesting is reading about the origins of tobacco use (outlined mostly in Chapter 2 of the guide). The long history of tobacco leads me to believe that it might be around longer than anti-smoking enthusiast would like. Sure they might be winning the war on public smoking, maybe even the war on cigarettes. But I’m not sure they will ever fully win the war on tobacco. I mean, technically pot is illegal, but how many people indulge in that? They could make tobacco illegal, but people would still find ways to smoke or use it.

From my research, what I am liking best about pipe smoking/ cigar smoking, is the endless varieties that are available. Something for every mood. It seems more like smoking that one could enjoy like they do a beer or wine. I like that you could even make your own blends of tobacco.

I looked into the risks of pipe and cigar smoking, and generally they are similar to cigarette smoking. Increased risk of mouth and throat cancer… and lung cancer risk increases, especially if you inhale. My plan was to smoke both the pipe and cigar the way they were intended to be smoked: without inhaling, although I am sure I will be tempted. And while there is a risk… it is a risk I am willing to take. I know far too much about cancer and how it occurs through my studies. Almost anything can increase your risk of cancer. Eating charred steak actually increases your risk of stomach cancer. The deep-frying process used to make French Fries actually allows the flesh of the potato to partially turn into acrylamide, a potent neurotoxin. But even knowing this, have I stopped eating steak or french fries? No… If I stopped doing stuff just because they caused cancer, well, lets just say I would have to stop going outside, start growing my own pesticide free food and possibly go on one of those crazy meat-free raw diets. I’m not sure how I would grow the food without going outside… you get the point.

Now that I have my rant about the risks we take in life done… I’m going to get back to my research. If anyone has any good websites or such on pipe smoking, feel free to comment. I already got plenty of good info on cigar smoking from the kind folk at SFK. I think I’ll post another one of my favorite smoking erotica stories tomorrow.

Pipe Smoking: My Curiousity Grows…

I mentioned in previous posts that I found pipe smoking intriguing, but I’ve never found pipe smoking erotic… at least not until today. And I’m not sure if it is the pipe smoking per se or my boyfriend’s interest in it that was more of a turn-on. See, I really have no desire to see my boyfriend smoke cigarettes. My fetish is most about me or other women smoking and occasionally I see I guy that is smoking that I find attractive. Actually I know that I wouldn’t find it sexy if my boyfriend smoked cigarettes. It just doesn’t suit him.

But today, we were walking down the street and passed a tobacco shop. We peeked inside, not entering and he said something about maybe smoking a pipe. It caught me by surprise, but pleasantly. I said I was interested and had been for a while. He then said it would be something we could do together and I started to get turned-on, just thinking about doing it with him.

I’m not when this will happen, but I’m in no hurry really. I’m just happy he is open to smoking something… and why I have the desire to get him to smoke anything is beyond me. Probably partly to have him understand what I see in tobacco at all. I’m starting to see that there are many facets to my fetish that I previously didn’t see. I almost think I have a thing for the smoke… I guess only time will tell.

Thinking About Sexuality…

It’s been just over a year since I broke down, bought cigarettes and smoked. I think thanks to this blog, I have come far, not only on the smoking issue and where I stand on that, but on my sexuality.

My sexuality hasn’t changed but my willingness to be open about it has. If I were not now in a relationship, I would be completely comfortable openly having a relationship with a woman. I’m not sure why I woke up this morning with that feeling, potentially because I had a dream about me and a childhood friend. We were friends until I moved away after grade 9, last night we met up and ended up making out. In the dream of course. Then it was weird for a bit, even though in dream land the past two times we met have always ended in making out too. I haven’t had those dreams, but apparently last night my dream had back story. We were just going to talk about it, when I woke up.

Generally, when I wake after I have a dream like this, I feel a little confused. Not as confused as I did before I figured out I am attracted to both sexes, but still a little disoriented. I’m mean I’m happy with my boyfriend, why, subconscious do you suppose I am having dreams about kissing my ex-best friend?

I actually have no idea- but what I was confident about this morning that I can be completely open about my sexuality, which is weird considering I live in one of the most homophobic provinces in the country.

I’m not sure where this self-confidence came from, but I like the way it feels. I feel less unsteady now. Less like I’m fumbling around in the dark without a flashlight. Now if only I could get a job…

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