Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between


December 2009

Another Year Done

Well, I have to say- 2009 was some year for me. I’ve come to realize and accept a lot of things about myself this past year. For one, I’ll always be an occasional smoker at the most. I guess I’m not dedicated enough to really commit to smoking more than that. Smoking does not make me feel as good as it did went I was younger and I reacted much more negatively this time than I did during my experimentation back in 2001. Sure, I managed to overdose on nicotine then too, but I can’t attribute all negative effects I had to the nicotine. Granted, the cigarettes are different than the ones I smoked back then. Canada has had fire safe cigarettes since 2005, so maybe it is that. Who knows? All I know, is cigarettes used to taste better and feel better when I smoked them and I don’t think it is all in my head. Frankly, and I didn’t know if this would be possible, but I’ve had enough negative experiences now to pretty much eliminate the desire to smoke in real life. This makes me slightly sad, but

I am glad I have come to accept that I have this fetish and that it is not going away. Despite my failure with cigarettes, I have come to start entertaining the idea of trying other forms of tobacco. There is something about tobacco in general that I find appealing, something about smoke in general that I find appealing. 2009 was my year of the cigarette… 2010- year of ? Only time will tell.

Happy New Year Everyone!


Happy Holidays?

This time of year always seems to get me down. Last year, I was busy obsessing over telling my boyfriend about my smoking fetish. I’m glad I was honest with him. It makes it so much easier, not to mention I can be myself around him. No longer do I have to keep certain comments to myself. Last night, for example, we moved the shower curtain that previously resided in my sketchy apartment. It had a funny smell- Raid mixed with stale smoke smell. The thing is- I’ve never smoked in my apartment. I had every intention of doing so when I moved in, but the place just never had the right atmosphere. I would much rather smoke outside than do it in my gross little apartment. Anyhow- I said, “This shower curtain smells like I was smoking in the bathtub, which is totally something I would do, only I haven’t. Curious.” He laughed. I laughed and then we proceeded to try and wash the weird stale smoke/Raid smell out of the shower curtain.

This year… this year I think I’m down because I know that come January I’m not going back to school nor do I have a job to return to. It sucks and my attitude sucks even more. I’m doing my darndest to stay optimistic, but it is hard. Not to mention right now I am paying rent for an apartment that I no longer actually live in, but have a lease for another two months. I long for a distraction from my life, but I know what I really need to be doing is facing my problems head on. So that is where I am right now… in a weird state of limbo where I find myself listening to the acoustic version of Help I’m Alive by Metric as well as Gimme Sympathy.

I always have the perspective that things will get better and this is just a phase of my life. I also know I’m the one responsible for pulling myself out of this funk. I just hope the motivation shows up soon.

On that sad note… wishing everyone who reads this a Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year if I don’t update before then!

Oodles of Free Time

Since I finished my practicum, I have no clue what to do with myself. My practicum was insanely busy because that is the type of profession teaching is. You pour your heart and soul into it and you hope to get back what you put in. I hope to find a job soon, but in this economy even the public sector is suffering because of budget cuts.

Boredom often sets me fantasizing about smoking again. But that is as far as I have taken it. Truthfully, smoking will always be better in my fantasy than it is in real life. For every good real life experience, I have a bad. My best recent experience was the the four cigarette streak I had last May. The one that scared me into not smoking again. The wedding was okay- but was more of a thrill to be smoking semi-publicly or at least in front of people I know. I think due to my fetish the experience is almost too built up in my mind.

To fill my time, I’ve been doing some holiday baking. It was supposed to be stuff that I was going to give away, but alas I let it sit out for too long and in my boredom I’ve become the cookie monster. It is really quite horrible.

Another activity I have been undertaking to fill my time is writing my story. Chapter Twelve is now up and awaiting you. And there will end my ramble for the night. Hope everyone had a good one.

Last Cigarette Ever- A Review

This is sort of a mini-review on the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother, which happens to be one of my favourite sit-coms. Actually it is the only sit-com I watch. Tonight, they had an entire episode on smoking. It was actually pretty funny. I was a little scared it would end up being a giant PSA on quitting smoking, but it was actually just really funny. Especially the part where Marshall is kicking the shit out of his thirteen year old self for ever trying smoking.

Marshall at thirteen: “This is my first and last cigarette ever.” I think I thought something similar. I wonder if anyone ever means it or merely uses that as their internal excuse to try or do something that involves inhaling delicious toxins into their bodies.

I also really liked the part where Barney talks about how he only smokes for certain occasions. Post-coital, coital and pre-coital etc. Then they ask him why he smoking and he says, “I’m always pre-coital, Ted.”

Sure they did put a lot of negatives and everything was exaggerated, but that was what made it so hilarious. What is especially interesting, is none of the characters quit that episode. But I doubt that we will ever see smoking on the show again. The only time we saw some smoking before, was Colbie Smulders who plays Robyn, enjoying one in the bathtub.

Some of the characters made more convincing smokers than others. The least convincing was Lily, although they did give her this kick-ass man voice.

What does make me sad, is the only way they could have smoking on the show is by framing it as being “The Last Cigarette Ever”.

Here is the trailer:

Also- I have posted chapter 10 and chapter 11 of Strange and Beautiful. I think I will wrap it up soon. Or I’m going to try… I’ve pretty much taken the idea and characters where I wanted to, I just need to tie up some loose ends.

Blog at

Up ↑