Part of the reason I haven’t updated has to to with the fact that I am insanely busy. To go along with the insanely busy, my practicum pretty much consumes all of my thoughts leaving little left over for contemplation regard stuff I talk about here. Truth is, my practicum with its ups and downs has taken the place of my fetish as the drama in my life. I seem to have a need for drama in my life, whether it be self-created internal struggles with the question of to smoke or not to smoke or the externally created dramas of the profession that I have chosen. Lately, my passing desire to smoke has little to do with sexuality and more to do with a way of letting off some steam. Only I never spend excessive amounts of time fantasizing or salivating over actually going through with it like I did almost a year ago. Some might say that I am repressing my desire and that this will be dangerous in the long run. But unlike the past, I am no longer denying myself in the same way. It is hard to explain, since it would probably seem to you, my readers, that as long as I am not smoking I am denying myself. I’m not even sure I can explain it… but something is different than before. I think it has to do with holding a more positive view of what having a fetish like this entails as well as letting myself smoke and experiment when I feel the need to. I’m not sure it is ever in the cards for me to be a full-time smoker. I’m almost positive infact. I keep this tentative using words like “almost” and “not sure” because who knows where life will take me. But as of right now for me to switch from casual/occasional/sporatic smoker to full-time smoker would involve a huge paradigm shift in my mind.
What still goes strong is the fantasy side of the fetish. I’ve written, in my mind, many alternate endings/ continuations to the Strange and Beautiful story. The problem is: I have no time to write any of these down. So for those of you reading that story, I am thinking Christmas will be the next time I have time to sit down and write. Speaking of time… I must get back to my work. I hope all is well with those of you who still read this.