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Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between

Month

November 2009

Cigarette Fantasies- The Sequel

Although I do not really have time to write an extended post, I feel as though I need to comment on last nights events. For more background, you might want to read the first Cigarette Fantasies post where I was first introduced to Hot Cousin. I saw Hot Cousin rather unexpectedly last night. Right now, I am pretty much overworked and really feel no desire to do said work so it wasn’t too hard for my two ex-roommates to convince me to come over to their house for some drinks and some games.

As we made our approach to the gates of the condo complex, we see my roommate’s boyfriend and Hot Cousin standing at the gate. I saw the cloud of smoke from Hot Cousin’s beautiful exhale before I realized who it was. It was my fantasy from so many months ago come true. Hot Cousin was smoking cigarettes again. Guys smoking is hit or miss for me. Sometimes it turns me on, but most often guys do not have the style I crave. They rarely smoke the cigarette like they love it and often just smoke it like they are trying to get the job done. For a guy to mesmerize me with their smoking, there has to be certain amount of romance to their smoking. They have to really look like they love it. Hot Cousin is quite good at this. He channels cool black and white movie stars of the past and you can tell he is unashamed of his smoking and that he loves it just by the way he inhales and exhales.

Hot Cousin is the real life embodiment of the character Drew from Strange and Beautiful. At least his smoking style is…

Of course, this has sent me into fantasies along the lines of going out at buying cigarettes for myself. What stops me now, is that smoking often is never as good in real life as I make it out to be in my fantasies. Or more importantly- how good I remember it to be from back when I was 18. I’ve had more adverse effects in my past year of experimentation that, no matter how strong my fetish cravings are, I fear I have made myself sick a few too many times to actually want to smoke cigarettes in real life. As far as my health goes, it is probably a good thing that my sense of self-preservation has kicked in. But, the other part of me is sad that I cannot indulge sporadically without sickness- at least not beyond a few puffs here or there.

I still plan on exploring other smoking options- ones that do not necessarily involve inhaling. I’m not sure they will have the same fetish allure that cigarettes have for me, but- the idea of still being able to play with smoke, exhale it- appeals to me. And on that note, I am making myself get back to work. In another two weeks I will start working on a new chapter of Strange and Beautiful. The story ideas are all in my head, I just need the time to write them down.

An Update of Sorts

Part of the reason I haven’t updated has to to with the fact that I am insanely busy. To go along with the insanely busy, my practicum pretty much consumes all of my thoughts leaving little left over for contemplation regard stuff I talk about here. Truth is, my practicum with its ups and downs has taken the place of my fetish as the drama in my life. I seem to have a need for drama in my life, whether it be self-created internal struggles with the question of to smoke or not to smoke or the externally created dramas of the profession that I have chosen. Lately, my passing desire to smoke has little to do with sexuality and more to do with a way of letting off some steam. Only I never spend excessive amounts of time fantasizing or salivating over actually going through with it like I did almost a year ago. Some might say that I am repressing my desire and that this will be dangerous in the long run. But unlike the past, I am no longer denying myself in the same way. It is hard to explain, since it would probably seem to you, my readers, that as long as I am not smoking I am denying myself. I’m not even sure I can explain it… but something is different than before. I think it has to do with holding a more positive view of what having a fetish like this entails as well as letting myself smoke and experiment when I feel the need to. I’m not sure it is ever in the cards for me to be a full-time smoker. I’m almost positive infact. I keep this tentative using words like “almost” and “not sure” because who knows where life will take me. But as of right now for me to switch from casual/occasional/sporatic smoker to full-time smoker would involve a huge paradigm shift in my mind.

What still goes strong is the fantasy side of the fetish. I’ve written, in my mind, many alternate endings/ continuations to the Strange and Beautiful story. The problem is: I have no time to write any of these down. So for those of you reading that story, I am thinking Christmas will be the next time I have time to sit down and write. Speaking of time… I must get back to my work. I hope all is well with those of you who still read this.

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