Closet Fascination

A blog about a journey, smoking, not smoking, vaping and everything in between


July 2009

The Smokers Club

I found this interesting documentary two college students did about smoking and I though I would share it with the readers. It is not really fetish related, but caters to my interests, namely exploring why people try smoking and why people continue to smoke. Plus, there are some good moments in the film and overall I think it was well done. One thing I noticed is neither of the people making the documentary smoked a lot, at most half a pack a day. The in fact, Maria was the one who smoked less, but had more trouble staying smoke free. I think what it showed is the huge psychological component to smoking and that it doesn’t really matter how much you smoke, but how attached you are to it.  It also made me appreciate how easy I have it when I go through my “I don’t want to smoke phases” as I am not surrounded by it. Both of the documentarians were surrounded by friends that smoke. I think if that were the case with me, I probably would be smoking all the time right now. The social barrier to my smoking is the biggest and I have been a little unfair to my boyfriend in saying that it mainly him who prevents me from smoking. It really isn’t. It is how I perceive my entire social group would react to my vice/indulgence that stops me from taking it up. Part of me really hates the fact that I care what others think at the age of 26. I’m happy not smoking but also unhappy that the reason I don’t smoking has very little to do with myself. Especially after finishing Atlas Shrugged, I felt really silly for not doing something that could potentially make me happier mainly because others would not want me to. While the whole book did not resonate with me, certain parts did especially this quote:

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

Anyhow… without further delay, here is the documentary:
Part 1:


Hope you enjoyed!


Story Update

I just posted Chapter Four of Strange and Beautiful. Hope those of you that are following enjoy. Chapter Five is on its way. I actually wanted to make sure I knew where the story was going before I posted this chapter.

Random thoughts about Smoking

* Warning* Do NOT read any further if you do not want to be spoiled on the book or movie “My Sister’s Keeper”

Random thoughts about smoking in movies…

I recently went to see My Sister’s Keeper. It is a movie based on book written by Jodi Picoult. Overall, I was happy with the adaptation. Except for one thing. The portrayal of the “troubled older brother” was to put it frankly: lame. In the book, older bro Jesse is a bad ass 18 year old arsonist. He set fires mainly to uninhabited buildings for attention from Dad who is a firefighter. His younger sister has been fighting cancer since she has been about two and the main focus of the family, so much so that know one really notices Jesse. IN the book, Jesse is also a smoker. In the book, there is even a scene where things get so intense for the youngest sister, thirteen, who was bred as a donor for her older sister, she asks Jesse for a cigarette and he gives it to her. But then, being the good older brother that he is, takes it away before she does too much damage.

Was there any smoking in the movie version. None. I expected a cut of the scene with Jesse and the youngest sister. But I expected to see Jesse smoke at some point since it seemed to add a bit to his character. But he didn’t. He didn’t smoke and further, he wasn’t an arsonist. I think that bugged me even more than the fact that he didn’t smoke. We were supposed to believe that Jesse was troubled from a few scenes where we see him walking around on the street with a hoodie on, drinking a milk shake and coming home late. Lame.

I have a feeling the smoking was taken out, because of the movement to have less smoking by teens in movies since it supposedly influences them and makes them want to start. For more on that see this site.
Okay, so maybe smoking is not disappearing entirely from movies but I think we are seeing less thanks to campaigning from these anti-smoking groups.

In my opinion, this idea that no smoking should grace the silver screen makes me question whether this will hinder art in a way. In the case of translation from book to movie, the removal of smoking, not to mention the character’s main plot line from the book made his character flat and almost pointless. I don’t know… it just bugged me.

Random thoughts about public smoking…

I also went to an outdoor rock concert and I have to say, I haven’t seen that many people smoking in one place since bars still allowed smoking. Apparently my roommate and I were standing in the smoking section. Well actually, there really was no such thing but it felt like everyone was smoking. She was getting really annoyed by it and I was just getting turned on. Not to mention, I got a huge urge to ask the girls next to me who were smoking B&H menthol lights for a cigarette. I didn’t… but part of me wanted to. In some ways I would love to “come out” to more people so that I can have the occasional cigarette and not have it be as big of deal. Which leads into the next topic I want to talk about…

More Random Thoughts about Renting and Smoking…

The place I had initially found fell through so I have once again been looking for a place to live. So I revisited whether to get a smoking apartment or to not get one and while I did not explicitly set out to find a smoking- friendly apartment it looks as thought that is what I am probably going to get. This both excites and frightens me a little, but I honestly doubt I will be smoking that much inside since my boyfriend will probably be over a lot of the time. It has a balcony too though which is appealing… I’m glad in the sense that I know no one will think twice about me lighting up and that I have the option to should I choose to do so. I like that I have the option to, even if I do not choose to exercise that option. But the more I think about it, what are the chances I don’t smoke at all if I am in a place where it is permitted? Slim to none seeing as I still managed to sneak away for cigarettes whilst living in my non-smoking abode. That said, I’m sure nothing will beat the thrill of smoking in my apartment or even on the balcony of my new apartment. I can’t wait.

My YouTube Girl Crush and More

I will confess: I watch girls smoke on YouTube. I cannot remember how I discovered searching for smoking videos on YouTube. Probably much the same way I discovered smoking fetish erotica, by stumbling upon in some random search. I tend to be a very picky consumer though. There is tons of crap on YouTube because anyone can put it up and as far as smoking videos go, I really really hate staged, overtly sexual videos. As soon as girls really try to make smoking seem sexy, I think: ewww. I no longer find it sexy. I think this is why I prefer erotica to the videos, because scenes described in stories can play out any way you want them to.

I prefer videos with natural sound and if the girl is interesting and articulate, I like it if they just smoke and talk naturally in the video. I found this girl named Eugenia and developed an instant crush on her. Her YouTube username is fusswhip and I love her because… well the thing is I can’t quite put my finger on it. She’s cute, that is one thing. She reminds me of Ellen Page. I guess there is something I find so sexy about the way she smokes. She occasionally does videos catering to people with the fetish. I’m pretty sure she accidently stumbled upon the community when she posted her first video where she smokes, but I could be wrong. I think part of her appeal is how natural she looks. She rarely is very made-up and even her pure smoking videos are not too staged for me, even though I know she is making a “smoking video”. Lately her post have been more video blog in nature with her smoking and just talking about her life. Her lighting isn’t always that great because she is not set up for it. I would recommend videos, but I think it would be better to just go peruse the collection. Plus, I’m not sure anyone will like her as much as I do. I really, really want her to do a video where she talks about how she started and all those other fun things while smoking. Those for me are the best stories.

Also, if anyone has been reading the one and only story I posted, I posted the third chapter. I’m not sure where to take it from there, but I am slowly but surely working on it. It is pure fluff and the main character has tons of me in it, but I may remind you is completely fictional.

Opening Pandora’s Box

My favorite mythological story has always been the one about Pandora and her jar or box. I always identified with it for some reason, especially as a teenager when my capacity for abstract and introspective thinking was being awoken. Smokedawg actually beat me to posting on this since it was my comment that inspired his post, and I had only just started writing this.

The story of Pandora is pretty simple. She was given a jar and told not to open it by the gods. Eventually, curiosity got the better of her and she opened it, releasing pain, suffering onto the world. She tried to close the jar, and managed to keep one thing inside the jar: hope. Pessimistic interpretations will say that this mean the world is hopeless, as hope is still trapped in the jar. I tend to hold a more optimistic view, that despite all the pain, evil and suffering in the world, there is always hope. I identified pretty strongly with this story during the dark days of my teens. I was a pretty unhappy teen but I always had hope that things would get better.

I’ve always had a slight fear of opening the Pandora’s Boxes of my life. For a long time, I wouldn’t drink for fear of becoming an alcoholic. That fear is not completely unfounded as I have quite a few alcoholics in my family. Plus, the fear was the strongest when I was a teen and wanted to drink for all the wrong reasons and knew it. I was drawn to alcohol for its numbing effects, not to be cool or to fit in. In some ways, I think my fears served a good purpose. Now I have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I drink, but rarely to excess and never to help me deal. It is always social and I no longer have any desire to drown my sorrows with alcohol.

Smokedawg described some of the “boxes” I have opened through the exploration of my smoking fetish. This was his take on my discovery:

For C.F., it seems (at least my take from reading her blog), the Pandora’s Box moment was when she discovered smoking fetish porn, fiction, etc. on the Web. Up until that point, she seemed to realize on some level she had a thing for smoking (i.e. it turned her on to do so), but discovering that she wasn’t alone in the world, and that there was some reason to find it erotic, put her fetish into full steam. From that came a desire to smoke, and then came her desire not to let the smoking control her and turn into an unhealthy addiction. She realizes that she cannot put the fetish back in the box, but she is also learning that she can channel it and put it to use, rather than being used by it. On a secondary level, revealing her fetish to her boyfriend was another Pandora’s Box moment because up until that time, she was the “good girl” who didn’t smoke, as far as he knew. He doesn’t seem to have embraced her fetish, but he seems to have accepted it and he didn’t reject her for it, so that was good.

He does a pretty good job of analysis, but by no fault of his own gets a few things wrong. Before I found smoking fetish fiction, I knew I had an attraction to smoking and that it turned me on thinking about it but at this point my experience with smoking was a couple uninhaled puffs from a couple cigarettes. And I’m not sure I was ever completely aware it was smoking that turned me on until I found the stories. But finding the stories was the first box I opened and one that I probably tried closing numerous time over the past few years. Recently, when I started obsessing about smoking in ways that non-smokers never do I think this was a reaction to my many years of trying to box up the fetish. It just doesn’t work.

I liken my recent plunge into finding more out about the fetish to taking a machine apart to see how it works and since I’m not a very good mechanic, I’m pretty sure the machine will not go back together the same way it was before. Nor will it go back into the box. Like Pandora, no matter what this self-discovery brings I always have hope for the future. Or at least that is my interpretation of the story…

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