Although you, as readers, have seen me waffle between extremes I really do feel like I have made progress. I no longer feel guilty or wrong for my fetish. It simply is and in many ways although I do not completely understand it yet, I understand it far more than I did before. This understanding is what helps me feel okay with it. I’m glad this process led me to be more honest with my partner. We are closer than ever before.

I also have discovered much about myself in regards to my desire to smoke. I am glad I indulged myself in this area because although I never did complete the transformation, I have a better idea of what it might be like to smoke all the time. I’m no longer as curious about it, nor do I feel anxiety about my desire to smoke. The desire simply is and it comes and goes. At this point in my life, I’m not ready to fully surrender myself to smoking and I think that surrender is necessary to truly enjoy smoking to its fullest. Being constantly worried about whether or not I am addicted and the anxiety from not smoking when my brain was telling me I should is not worth it. I realize, for me, I either will have to commit entirely to being a smoker or not smoke. While there is a lot I love about smoking, while I was smoking I realized that there was much I enjoyed about not smoking. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. When I am smoking, I always wonder what it feels like to not be smoking and vice versa. It is really weird, but having this understanding helps me appreciate each state for what they are.

I think the reason why my anxiety for purchasing cigarettes is gone is because I have finally untrained all those year of PSA brainwashing. I call it that because I was taught to fear cigarettes and smokers, a fear that I think only heightened my fetish. My fear was irrational before and not healthy. My fetish exists because smoking is taboo. It will continue to exist as long as society deems it to be taboo, which will probably be for a long time now. For now, I am happy not smoking. For all I know, in two months I will be hit with cravings like the ones that I had at the end of April.

Through the course of my experimentation, I began to question smokers who say they hate smoking. I happen to like smoking, and while I have never been completely addicted or had my smoking become habitual, I’m fairly certain I have gone through physical withdrawal. It sucked, I will not even lie to you. I think if someone truly hates smoking that should be enough to get you through the process of quitting. I understand the hold nicotine can have, not being able to concentrate, the anxiety, the depression when the lovely drug stops coursing through your veins. The first week really sucks- for me I felt really empty inside. But all that passes and within a week or two… you’ll be fine. That’s why I think that people who say they hate smoking but cannot quit, really do not hate smoking that much. If they hated smoking that much, one or two weeks of suffering would be worth it, would it not? Maybe I do not understand, and really I do not presume to understand what it would be like to quit something that has become so enmeshed in one’s life. But I guess it bugs me that they might not be completely honest with themselves or others. And would it not be better and healthier for them psychologically to accept the fact that they do enjoy it?

I think you have to understand completely your motivation to smoke if you are going to quit. Telling yourself you hate it, when you really do not will just lead to frustration when you give in. Maybe some people do truly hate smoking. I guess I’m not one of them.