Today, I decided to forego the morning cigarette as much as I was enjoying having one first thing. I mean I really could have used one, what with the four or five hours of sleep I had not to mention how anxious I am feeling about all the exams I am writing. But based on how I felt both Tuesday and Wednesday (great at beginning of day and progressively worse as day went on) I decided to tough out the tiredness, the blah feeling and the anxiousness. And you know what- as much as I loved the way nicotine makes me feel, the effects are only temporary and once they are gone, everything that was bothering you before comes back and life seems that much worse because but three hours ago your brain was riding a nice dopamine high. That is how the cycle begins. I think what I hated most is the feeling that I had inflicted this upon myself. I was far more anxious about everything yesterday than I was today. Today I felt like shit, but it was a nice even steady state all day. I found that easier to deal with, because based on my schedule right now- it totally makes sense. I’m stressed, but it is understandable.
I guess this adverse reaction- signals to me that I really do not want to become tied to the cigarettes permanently. The idea, while attractive from a fetish point of view, bugs me that I have less direct control over my emotions and state of being. I hated the feeling that I had self-inflicted a mini-depressive episode because my brain decided that it wanted more nicotine. Sure, it would have felt good to give in, but only because the contrast between the two states would have been huge. Even seeing people smoke today gave me a mixed reaction. Part of me, thought, “Mmmm cigarette.” Part of me, thought: ” Do you want to start the cycle again?” I think more and more I think I am going to work towards not smoking because hands down, despite the fact that part of me loves smoking(namely my brain and such) , despite the fact that smoking actually turns me on, on the whole I do not feel that smoking increases my quality of life enough to keep at it. Nor do I think I am capable of keeping my smoking down to some sort of low level. I’d have good intentions, but one would become three, which would become five and I have shit self-control when it comes to stuff like this so likely it would not stop there.
Along with this- I will have to work something out with the fetish. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop myself from being turned on by smoking. It is kind of involuntary. Actually I have no idea how I am going to deal with this aspect, since being turned on by smoking is part of what drove me to smoke in the first place and the two are pretty intimately linked. But that will be a discussion for another time… tonight I learn about the weather.