I knew that my desire had never really gone away- but the way it came back was completely unpredictable. I was on holidays with my roommate, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s cousin. The cousin- well he was hot so from here on I will refer to him as “the Hot Cousin”. If I had been single- I would have totally been into him. We chatted about lots of thing and somehow I brought up the train and how when I took my train trip across Canada we usually hung out in the smoking car/observation car because you couldn’t smell people’s B.O. that way. From there, we went on to complain about smoking bans, neither of us admitting to smoking at this point. At this point- I thought he was a triathlon-doing, non-smoker.

We went into to town from our little cabin and went out for dinner. At dinner- Hot Cousin commented on the fact that a lot of people around town were smoking. So Roommate asks, “Have you quit, I haven’t seen you go out for one yet?” to which Roommate’s Boyfriend answers, “He quit because of the Triathlon he is doing, although that never stopped him before.” Hot Cousin nods and Roommate asks, “Do you think you will start up again after the triathlon?” and he said , “Probably.” She then asked him why he would start again after taking the trouble to quit. To which Hot Cousin utters the words that had me drooling over him for the rest of the weekend, “Because I like to smoke.” She wrongfully assumed that this had to do with the nicotine and suggested he get one of those nicotine inhalers, to which I interject and say, “It’s not the same.” Hot Cousin nods, and affirms this by saying, “I like the feeling of inhaling, watching the smoke come out when I exhale.” I now checked my mouth to see if drool was actually coming out. That’s when the cigarette fantasies started again. Nothing like a beautiful boy professing his love of smoking to get the ball rolling again.

We watched Pineapple Express- the ultimate stoner movie. Actually- Seth Rogan does some pretty wicked snap inhales. Somehow- not really surprisingly this got us talking about smoking again.Apparently the real reason why Hot Cousin had quit smoking is that he has no weed. So Hot Cousin apparently likes his tobacco best mixed with a little marijuana. He said it was like mixing his two favorite things in the world and that he doesn’t really like to smoke either on their own. Now I am not a huge marijuana fan, but I was intrigued by this since I have never tried it. I’ve had both things on their own, but never together. I think what I dislike about marijuana is that because it is illegal, quality is always variable which means that the same amount of weed smoked does not always get you as high. Or you could completely incapacitate yourself with very little of a good product. But you never really know what you have until you’ve smoked it. Cigarettes, because they are regulated- despite brand differences are a very consistent product. Regardless, at this point in our weekend, we had neither tobacco nor weed.

The next day was spent skiing and fantasizing about smoking. Or at least that is what I was doing on the chairlift. I know the others were hoping that Roommate’s Sister would bring some marijuanacrossjoint when she came and she delivered. So that evening- after a day of skiing some weed was smoked. It wasn’t very good and all it did was make me crave a cigarette even more. Hot Cousin kept muttering his disappointment of not having any tobacco to mix with the weed as he rolled the cross joint. I kept fantasizing about how if he had said tobacco, I’d ask him to roll me just a plain cigarette. Especially since the weed was not very good, why have it mess with perfectly good tobacco? Part of this affirmed my fetish for cigarettes. I mean weed is just as dangerous, you still smoke it- inhaling probably worse crud into your lungs since there is no filter and it is illegal. I do enjoy watching the exhales almost as much. But did it turn me on? Nope. Not even a little. Seeing Hot Cousin inhale and exhale off of the cross joint, just sent me into fantasies about him doing the same to a cigarette. His style with a joint was not bad, so under the influence of the weed my mind wandered into cigarette fantasies.

I think that part of the reason why it does not turn me on as much is that the social taboo is not the same despite the fact that pot is illegal. There is a little a bit of a social taboo, but it is different. People still find ways to try and justify their pot smoking, saying stuff like it is not as bad as smoking cigarettes as if cigarettes are the mark of something that is bad for you. I mean the majority of time in health class is devoted to preventing you from smoking cigarettes probably because they are more readily available. Even amongst my pretty straight laced friends, marijuana use is more “okay” than cigarette use. The only exception to that is my boyfriend who sees marijuana as infinitely worse as it is illegal. Like my roommate for example- asking Hot Cousin why he doesn’t just stay quit- citing many of the “quit smoking” aids available, and yet she openly wishes she could find a marijuana dealer so she can get high more often. Tobacco smoking is seen as something “to be quit” whereas pot smoking is seen as “recreational” or “medicinal”. Marijuana is less physically addictive and less people go on to habitually use it like cigarettes so I think this is where people start pointing the finger at cigarettes being “bad”.

All and all it was a great holiday though… it was just one that at many times had me wishing I had stopped off and picked up a fresh pack of cigarettes. At start of the holiday this had not occurred to me. Actually- I am just getting over being sick, and with my cough I was unsure of how the even the pot smoke would feel. I was scared I would hack up a lung. But amazingly- nothing of the sort happened… I guess I understand slightly better now how smoker continue to smoke through colds, coughs and the like. I think I will spend the rest of today contemplating acting on some of my cigarette fantasies. I’m just worried that they are too good to be true…