I pose that as a question, because I know, as with past experience, there will come a time when I will need to explore this side of myself again. Which side you might ask? The smoking side… What has changed is that the two sides of myself are no longer doing battle. They have drawn up a sort of a truce- where neither one is being suppressed. Suppressing the desire, only made me want to smoke more. There is no peace in that. I constantly feared that I would become hopelessly addicted if I yielded to that side of myself, but I know now those fears were unfounded. Sure, I took a chance, I played with fire- but I discovered something about myself that I might have never discovered had I not taken the risk.
I discovered that I am far more enamored with the fantasy of smoking, than I am with actually doing it. I enjoy doing it while I am doing it- but more often than not I end up making myself sick. The problem is- it is fairly unpredictable. It is not like at the beginning where the affects of smoking overwhelmed me and I could sort of tell when I had pushed myself over the edge. Now- I can smoke a whole cigarette, feel perfectly fine and dandy while doing it and almost an hour or half hour later a wave of nausea will hit and bam I’m sick. It is awful, because I can’t predict it at all. At least at the beginning when I would overdo it, I felt it right away. I used to want to conquer smoking, but I have realized that to do so, I have to become a full-fledged smoker. To do that- I have to endure nausea, which is probably one of my most hated feelings in the world.
To cut a long-story short- I always said that if smoking ceased to be pleasurable, I would stop doing it because if I am not getting any pleasure out of it, what is the point? At this point in my life, I am not willing to make the sacrifices needed to become a full-fledged smoker. I’m not going to stop myself from smoking if the want ever arises again. If anything, I have found that just makes me want it more. But for now, I’m not sure I will finish the last 10 cigarettes in my pack. I was thinking of telling my boyfriend about the past few months of smoking and then destroying the remains of the pack together. But as sick as the cigarettes make me, I think I might hang on to this pack as a souvenir of sorts of this time in my life… I think I am almost too emotionally attached to destroy them, but I don’t have much, if any, desire to smoke them either. I’ve pretty much decided that if I smoke again, I want a new pack as this one is far too old.
I have gained so much over the past couple of months-and I want to thank all of you who have contributed. I never thought that giving into my desire would be the answer. Thanks for helping me wade through the various facets of both my desire to smoke and my fetish. This is not really goodbye, as I am sure that I will have more smoking related things to talk about, not to mention I’m not sure the desire to smoke has left me forever. But in some ways, I do feel like I have a bit of closure. So I guess you could say- I have peace… for now.