Lying becomes so easy when you do it all the time. It almost becomes a reflex- when it shouldn’t be. I know what I should have said tonight. I knew it two-seconds after the lie left my mouth. Lies. I think that is the worst thing that has come from me smoking. I’m cuddling in bed with my boyfriend and he was like- “you smell like smoke.” Of course if had smoked today or even the day before I might have been a little prepared for it. But I haven’t smoked for two days now and I thought I was wearing a clean sweatshirt. In any case, the sweatshirt I am wearing has been washed- so it just goes to show how deep the smell of smoke seeps in or how bad I am at doing laundry, one of the two. In any case, I’m not sure he bought the lie that left my mouth tonight. He asked me point blank, “Have you been smoking?” and I said no. Which I should have said- “Not recently in that sweatshirt, I’m not sure why washing didn’t remove the smell” (and made a joke about it) or “yes, are you mad that I have been keeping it from you?” He later made a comment/joke about me being his “little covert smoker”- which is why I am pretty sure he is on to me.
In any case, I should tell him. As I should have months ago… for some reason I have this feeling that is going to be more mad about me keeping something from him than his is going to be about the actual smoking. I mean sure he doesn’t want me to smoke for protective, “I want you to live as long as possible reasons”, but I think the betrayal of me lying to him will hurt him more. Really- I deserve what is coming to me. I’ve made my bed and now I have to sleep in it.
And now for some Hawksley Workman… since he sometimes can say things better than I can: